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44
Brenden
“You’re an idiot,” Allison scoffs, rolling her eyes.
She was sitting in the living room when I got home—bottle of Jack in my hand and eyes bloodshot—demanding to know what happened. Surprisingly, I was happy to have someone to talk to about what happened with Lizzy. Walking away from her a few hours ago was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
As I drove off, it felt like I was being torn in two. And in a way, I had been. My physical body was leaving, but my heart and soul remained there—with her.
“Gee…thanks,” I sneer, resting my head on the couch. “It’s good to know you’re here for me.”
She’s right, though. I am an idiot. I just walked away from the only woman I’ve ever loved; from the only real and healthy relationship I’ve ever had.
Maybe I’m asking for too much by wanting it all. Maybe I’m being selfish and gluttonous.
“Well, I’m just keeping it real,” she huffs. “What in the world brought all this on? I thought everything was going great.”
“I did too.” I lift my head to meet her stare, running my hands through my hair. “Until Jon got in my head.”
“Oh, sweet Jesus.” She sighs, shaking her head. “Please tell me you didn’t break things off with Lizzy because of something Jon said. He’s the biggest moron of all. You should know better than to listen to him.”
I tried to ignore the things he said, but they seeped into my subconscious, taunting all my insecurities.
Then, I began to see everything differently.
The pictures of Lizzy with Xander were no longer memories; they were a reminder of the things I’d never have with her. When she talked about him and the life they had, I no longer felt privileged that she was sharing that part of her life with me. Her love for him had become too hard to witness.
“I know,” I admit, dragging my hands over my face. “But Jon was right. I’ll never mean to Lizzy what she means to me. She’s the only person I’ve ever loved, and I love her so much, it fucking hurts. How am I supposed to settle for anything less in return?”
Groaning, she crosses her arms. “Did she say she loves you less?”
“No…not exactly.” Rubbing the back of my neck, I try to recall her exact words to me.
She tried to assure me that she loves me, but she never disputed what I was saying. She didn’t even try to stop me from leaving, so I’m pretty sure she knows I’m right.
“She didn’t need to. She already chose him—she married him, had kids with him. He was the first guy she slept with, for Christ’s sake. How can I ever compete with that?”
“Why do men make everything into a fucking competition? It’s not a damn competition. “She throws her hands in the air. “Yes, she had those things with him, but it doesn’t mean she can’t have something great with you. Her love for you isn’t less or more, just different.”
I want to believe that, but it’s hard not to feel envious of what he had with her. It’s absurd and a little screwed up to be jealous of her deceased husband, but she shared so much with him. Things she can never share with me.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I can deal with the fact that he’s the love of her life when she’s mine.”
“Trust me, Lizzy loves you. I saw it in her eyes the day she came here frantically looking for you after what happened at Jon’s party. I heard the truth behind her words when she told me herself that she loves you.”
“Wait,” I rasp, scooting to the end of the couch. “You talked to Lizzy before she showed up here with her tattoo?”
This is news to me. Neither of them mentioned that, but it certainly helps explain Allison’s friendlier disposition toward her lately.
“Yep,” she says with a smirk. “She won me over that day. I even went with her to get the tattoo.”
“Well, damn,” I scoff, feeling irritated by the irony of it all. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get Allison to be nice to Lizzy; and now that I’ve ended things, I find out she finally likes her. “Are the two of you like, friends now?”
My stomach sinks as she nods her head, dreading the possibility of being around Lizzy without being with her.
“Yeah, we are actually. She called me after you left there, wanting to make sure you made it home okay. She’s heartbroken, Brenden. I can’t speak on her love for Xander, but I know for a fact Lizzy loves you. She loves you.”
I flop back on the couch again, focusing my gaze on the ceiling, fighting back tears as a lump grows in my throat. “I know, but she doesn’t want the things I want.”
