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17
Elizabeth
With a fake smile plastered on and my heart beating against my ribcage, I make my way through the crowd of people to the back of the overly lit room. Two of the four walls have floor-to-ceiling mirrors, making it hard to hide from prying eyes. I catch a glimpse of myself and cringe, questioning why I didn’t just stay in bed this morning.
This isn’t the first time Dr. Gentry pushed me to do something out of my comfort zone, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. I debated not telling her about my bad day, not wanting her to know she’d been right. It was prideful and stupid though. I needed to talk about it.
The whole conversation could’ve gone smoothly I’m sure—if I hadn’t mentioned Brenden.
“You said you were consumed by your feelings until your conversation with Brenden. You’ve never spoken of a Brenden before. Who is he?” she asks, sitting up straighter, her pen ready for note taking.
“Oh, he’s no one. It’s nothing.” I wave my hand dismissively. “No big deal. Just someone I met a few weeks ago.”
“Well, I have to say I find that interesting. For one, you say you’ve known him for weeks, yet this is the first time you’ve mentioned him to me. Not only that, but last we spoke, you were still having issues connecting with other people. And now you’re telling me you’ve met and befriended someone new. I would say that’s a huge deal. Why have you kept such a positive thing from me? Why are you downplaying it now?” Her gaze begins to feel intrusive as her eyes narrow, waiting for my explanation.
“I don’t know. I guess I’m concerned this friendship is inappropriate.” I shift on the couch, folding my legs underneath me.
“Because it’s a friendship with a man?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re afraid it could be a betrayal to Xander?” she pushes, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes, I suppose I am.” I tug on my earring, distracting myself with pain to keep my emotions at bay.
“I see. And have you offered anything more than friendship to this man at this point? Would you like to?”
“No,” I rush out, guilt twinging in my chest.
My answer isn’t entirely true. I may not want to attempt a relationship with Brenden, but I’m attracted to him and the way he makes me feel. It’s that attraction—that pull I experience—making it seem like a betrayal to Xander.
“Do you believe this friendship will benefit you in your healing process?”
“I believe it already has.”
“Do you not believe that’s something Xander would want for you?” She tilts her head, placing her pen down as if she already knows what I’ll say.
“Of course he would.” Tears prick my eyes, the lump in my throat growing bigger.
“Then try not to overthink this. It’s a good thing and a huge deal for you. Don’t let your fears hold you back.”
So here I am, waiting for Brenden in his kickboxing class.
Truth be told, the conversation I had with him has more to do with me showing up than the one I had with Dr. Gentry. He may not have been very forthcoming with information about himself, but still. I feel like I got to learn more about the type of person he is. And…I liked it.
I wish there’d been another way for me to see him, though. I’m certainly questioning my decision to come here. The room is full of women—beautiful, fit women—no doubt primarily here to ogle Brenden. The couple of men in the back of the room, where I’m trying to hide, are clearly here to check out the women. I feel like an idiot. I don’t belong here.
My hands shake as I join the other participants and begin stretching my muscles, my eyes continuously raking through the people in the room. The man directly to my right is watching me a little too closely, a smile playing on his lips. My stomach churns and I move to create more distance between us. Everyone quiets as the door at the front of the room opens and Brenden walks in, all the women turning to look at him.
My pulse races, the air around me feeling too hot as I watch him take his place at the front of the room. My teeth grind with unjustified irritation when he smiles politely and says hello to a few women in the front row. Like their actions are a personal affront to me in some way.
His eyes skim the room as he begins instructing the class, but they never land on me. Feeling well hidden now, my eyes get greedy, taking him in from head to toe. His movements become more involved, his muscles contracting in a mesmerizing way, sweat beading along his skin.
An agonizing ache builds in my lower abdomen. I’m no better than the rest of the women drooling over him. My subconscious nags at me, telling me a friendship with Brenden will never work. It’s obvious there’s a strong attraction between us. There’s sure to be lines crossed and mixed signals. All of this feels too risky. And I’m usually not a risk taker.
Having Brenden in my life feels like playing with fire. He’s beautiful and intriguing, bringing me light in the darkness and warmth in the cold. But fire can also be destructive, burning everything in its path.
At some point in the process of gaping at him, I stop moving altogether, making me stand out in the sea of bodies. A boyish smile lights up Brenden’s face as his eyes fix on me, and my stomach flips.
