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I look down at the box then over at him with a quirked eyebrow. “What do you have there?”
“That box is the reason why I was late tonight. I’m going to ask Julianna to marry me.”
Brenden and I cheer, giving him congratulatory pats on his shoulders, while Jon rolls his eyes and crosses his arms from across the table.
“That’s great, dude,” Brenden says. “When are you planning to ask?”
“Well, I didn’t want to steal any of the thunder from you and Lizzy. So, I’m waiting until after the wedding.”
“Wow…” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m really happy for you man, but aren’t you worried she’ll think it’s a little fast?”
Eric huffs out a laugh, his eyebrows raised as he shakes his head. “Fast? I’ve wanted to ask her to marry me since we were in high school. No, I don’t worry she’ll think it’s fast. I know we’ve only officially been dating for a few months, but I’ve loved her for a long time. Besides, when something is right, you just feel it. Time doesn’t change that.”
“Yeah,” Brenden chimes in. “Lizzy and I are getting married tomorrow, and we haven’t been dating any longer than Eric and Julianna, but I knew she was the person I wanted to spend my life with long before then.”
The wooden chair scrapes across the concrete floor as Jon comes to his feet. “Dear god, I don’t want to hear this shit. I’m going to the bar to get us another round.”
As he walks away from the table, I finish off the beer in front of me and contemplate what Brenden and Eric said. Cat and I have been dating longer than either of them. Should I already know if she’s the one? We’ve finally reached the I love you stage, but it’s always felt more like saying it to a friend or family member.
My forehead creases as I look over at Brenden and Eric who are discussing wedding plans. “But how do you know for sure when something is right—when the person you’re with is the one you’re supposed to be with?”
The two of them exchange a glance, both smirking condescendingly, before giving me their attention.
Eric strokes his beard. “It isn’t anything you can put into words, it’s more of a sense…”
“Like there’s this gravitational pull,” Brenden adds.
He told me the story of how he and Lizzy met once, describing the way his head kept telling him to run, but he still found himself drawn to her. I remember thinking there was only one woman I’d ever felt that with—Lori.
Eric nods in agreement. “Bottom line, if you have to ask then…”
This time, they both give me a sad smile, one that says, “sorry about your luck, buddy,” making me feel the need to defend my relationship with Cat. What do they know about it? Cat and I are great together. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful. Her heart is so big, I’ve never met anyone more caring and empathetic for other people. Cat embodies everything I could want in a woman.
“Actually, I’ve been thinking of asking Cat to marry me,” I blurt. Their eyes go wide, and I immediately wish I could take the lie back. Instead, I dig a deeper hole for myself. “I’ve only been waiting because of Cat. I want her to feel as sure as I do. But you guys are right, when you know you know, and I’m going to do it. I’m going to ask Cat to marry me.”
The two of them exchange another look, Eric’s jaw dropping and Brenden’s eyebrows knitting together.
Eric turns back to me, leaning in before speaking in a softer tone only I would be able to hear. “Maybe we should talk about this later, when you haven’t already had a few.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m in love,” I declare, my voice loud enough for the entire table and maybe even the bar to hear.
“Oh shit, not you too,” Jon whines as he places another pitcher of beer on the table.
I give him a bright smile, but my chest tightens. I’ve dug a hole and poured the dirt back in, completely burying myself.
The idea of getting married doesn’t frighten me like some men. If anything, it’s something I’ve been striving toward and planning for a long time. No, the knotting in the pit of my stomach right now is guilt. It’s the remorse I feel for having lied to my friends. It’s shame because when I pictured my wedding day just now, it was Lori walking down the aisle toward me, not Cat.
ILLUSIONS OF ASH
For a long time, there was a part of me that blamed my sister for the things Jim did. After all, Nicole was the one who brought him into our lives. It was much easier to hate her than deal with the guilt I felt.
It was Halloween night, my senior year of high school, when Nicole showed up at our parents’ house with him. I didn’t pay much attention to Jim at first. Nicole didn’t exactly have a good track record with relationships. She had already been married and divorced. I was pretty attached to her ex-husband. He was good to me, kind. The big brother I always dreamed of having. It broke my heart when they split, ripping him from my life. I had no interest in getting to know someone else who wouldn’t be around long.
They caught me on the way to her car. I was wearing a cat costume, headed to a haunted house with some friends. I didn’t bother to stop, barely even looking at him as Nicole tried to introduce us. Jim did manage to gain my full attention, though.
My stomach fluttered as he reached past me, opening the driver’s side door, his body brushing against mine. No one had ever opened a door for me before. Not even my boyfriend. It seemed like a sweet gesture. But as my gaze shifted to meet his, those butterflies turned to lead. Everything about him, and that moment, felt off—wrong.
His lips curled into a sinister smile as he lifted his hand to softly pet my head. “It was nice to meet you, pussy cat,” he said.
