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“It’s over. It was a onetime mistake. Merely old feelings that got the best of me in a weak moment. It’ll never happen again, I swear. Please, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”
The sting of betrayal hits me right in the gut, but it’s Lori I’m really upset with. She knew and hadn’t told me. I flat out asked her about Lawrence, and she lied.
I scrub my hands over my face, blowing out the breath I’d been holding. “You cheated on me?”
Cat freezes as I meet her gaze, her eyes widening and skin paling as she realizes she told on herself. “Lori didn’t…?”
My jaw clenches as I shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest.
“But I don’t understand…then why were you…wait…” She blinks rapidly as she pulls on the opening of her plaid shirt. “Were you breaking things off because you aren’t in love with me? Do you have feelings for someone else?”
I avert my eyes from hers, unsure how to answer that question. I do have feelings for someone else. If I’m being honest, I have from the beginning and never should have started a relationship with Cat in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t acted on my feelings like Cat did with Lawrence, but I’m still guilty. I’ve been keeping things from Cat since the start of our relationship. Any hurt I may feel from her actions seems unjustified.
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” I answer, cautiously meeting her eyes again.
She nods, biting down on her bottom lip as more tears fall. “But you do have feelings for someone else.” It’s more a statement than a question, so I don’t bother giving her an answer. She already has it. Her nostrils flare as she studies me with narrowed eyes. “Is it Lori?” she asks with a clip of accusation and anger. “Were you falling in love with my best friend while you were dating me?”
I shake my head, nervously pulling at the short whiskers on my chin with one hand as I shove the other in the front pocket of my jeans. “It’s not like that.”
“I think it is. All this time, I’ve watched the way you are around her, seen the way you look at her. But I kept telling myself that I was imagining it. It wasn’t my imagination though, was it?”
I sway on my feet, cramming my other hand in my pocket. “You don’t understand, we met months before you and me ever—”
“The two of you hooked up before we met and didn’t tell me?” she shouts, pushing on my chest. “Have the two of you been sneaking around behind my back this whole time?”
My face contorts in anger and disgust at her words. “Of course not. Are you even listening to yourself right now? I wasn’t the one who cheated.” Cat blanches, the fury on her face replaced with shameful sorrow. “If you don’t trust me, surely you know Lori would never do something like that to you.”
My need to defend Lori causes Cat’s face to sour again. “No, she would simply neglect to tell me she’d already been with the guy I’m dating.”
She turns on her heel and heads into the living room toward the front door with me on her heels.
“Lori was only trying to protect you, she only wanted you to be happy.”
“Oh yeah,” she scoffs, slinging her bag on her shoulder. “She did a bang-up job of that, I’m extremely joyful right now.” She steps up to the door, pulling it open before looking back at me. “And you, why didn’t you tell me?”
When I don’t give her an explanation she nods slowly then walks out, slamming the door behind her.
Well, fuck. That didn’t go well at all.
ILLUSIONS OF ASH
After the night alone with Jim at my house, I became a little timid around him. He made his intentions known and crossed a line doing it. I thought about telling Nicole at least a hundred times, but my fear made me question everything. What if I was wrong, what if it hadn’t happened the way I thought? Even if it had, what if he said it hadn’t? Would Nicole believe him or me? What if telling only led to me losing them both? I didn’t want to lose my sister. For the first time in years, it felt like we were close again.
My stomach was tied up in knots for weeks while I tried to decide what to do. I finally got the courage to talk to some of my friends about what happened, thinking maybe they would be able to give a non-biased opinion on the situation. I wanted someone to tell me what they would do in my shoes.
The first friend I told, who knew about my crush on Jeep Boy, basically told me I was simply projecting my own feelings.
“I’ve met Jim,” she said. “He seems like a good guy. I don’t think he’d do anything like that to your sister.”
I made sure the next friend didn’t have any preconceived notions about him. At first, she seemed to think it sounded like Jim was “hitting” on me, but the more I explained the situation the less she seemed concerned. Apparently, the fact that he was ten years older and dating Nicole negated his behavior as inappropriate. But it was that final bit of information—my crush on him—that really changed her mind.
“It sounds like he’s only trying to be nice to his girlfriend’s little sister, sweetie. That’s a good thing, don’t read too much into it.”
Here’s what I took away from those conversations: There was no way an attractive, older guy who was already dating my much prettier sister would have any interest in me. If I were to claim otherwise, I’d only end up looking like a fool and drive a wedge between Nicole and me.
I made the choice to keep my mouth shut, told myself that they were probably right. It didn’t make any sense that Jim would be pursuing me. Telling myself that lie made it easier to go back to the way things were, and that’s what I wanted—to pretend like none of it ever happened.
25
