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“How many times have I kissed you now?” he mocked.
I shook my head and tried to move, but he was so strong.
He asked if he was crossing a line, then began to make a trail of kisses from my collarbone to my jawline. When he got to the end, he whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. I won’t kiss you on the mouth.”
He leaned back to meet my gaze before his eyes traveled down to my chest, telling me how hot I looked. My arms were still pinned at my sides, my cleavage on full display in the deep v-cut of my dress.
“Did you wear this for me?” he said. “I like it. Dresses are very accessible.”
He shifted and his hand made its way to my inner thigh, my dress rising as he began to work his way up. I’d heard the phrase “paralyzed with fear” my entire life, but this was the first time I personally experienced it.
“Line,” I said. It was all I could manage, the word weak and meager, but somehow it still stopped him.
I’ve often wondered why he hadn’t forced himself on me that night. Was he afraid someone would catch him in that abandoned parking lot? Did he decide that the Jeep wasn’t a sufficient location for such an act?
As awful and fucked up as it is to admit, I spent many nights wishing he had. I believe it may have saved me from the months of hell that followed.
27
Lori
My doorbell chimes at six-thirty on the dot, and my heart pounds in my chest as I make my way over to answer it. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous in my life. It could have something to do with the fact that I’ve never gone on a date. At least not a real grown-up type of date. When I was a teenager, I went on a couple of those awkward movie dates. The ones where your parents drop you off and you spend the entire time holding your sweaty palm out hoping your date will take it. I even had my first kiss after one of those dates. It was awful, the dude slobbered all over my face. I honestly can’t believe I was willing to try kissing again after that.
Thanks to Paul, my dating experience never progressed much past that. He came into my life when I was only seventeen years old. Once he was in it, he spread like cancer, inserting himself into every facet of my life. By the time he was done with me, I didn’t even know what it meant to have a normal relationship with someone. I didn’t know if that was even something I wanted or deserved.
I trusted and cared for Paul, and he’d used me up then left me for dead. Every time Paul did something nice for me, I paid for it. The memories I have of him cooking me dinner or giving me gifts aren’t good ones. They merely remind me of how weak and stupid I’d been. I let my desire for love blind me, and I became determined to never let that happen again. My interactions with men became very limited. My experiences with Paul conditioned me to believe that men were only interested in me for one reason, and I wasn’t going to let my feelings get involved.
Then Spencer came along and flipped those ideas upside down. I offered him my body and ran when he claimed to want more, not believing his intentions were pure. But he’s proven himself time and time again. He’s been a good friend and managed to gain my trust. He never gave up on me, no matter what I threw at him. Now I’m letting my guard down and taking a risk for him.
I step up to the door and take several calming breaths, swallowing the bile rising in my throat as I reach to open it. Having never been on a date, I have no clue what to expect. No idea how to act or what to say. This is way out of my comfort zone, and basically a complete nightmare for me.
My gaze is cast down as I pull the door back, my heart in my throat as my eyes slowly make their way up. They travel from shiny black oxfords to crisp navy-blue suit pants and matching jacket, my body overheating as I continue the path to his dark burgundy tie and pale-blue collared shirt. By the time my stare passes over his curved lips to connect with his sparkling chocolate eyes, I’ve forgotten how to breathe altogether.
“You look incredible,” Spencer says.
My flush crawls up my neck to my cheeks as I look down at my dress. This is the first time he’s ever openly commented on my appearance. Though, I’d caught him admiring me more than once that first night we spent together.
The simple A-line dress matches the color of his tie, it’s knee-length with a lace overlay and sleeves. I paired it with black pumps and pinned my hair into a low bun.
He’s still staring intensely as my eyes meet his again, and I know he’s seeing beyond what the eye can perceive.
Spencer always makes me feel exposed in the best way, like I’m free for the first time in forever.
“Yeah, yeah. You don’t look so bad yourself, but I thought you said there would be flowers,” I tease.
He removes his hand from behind his back, revealing a beautiful pink peony bouquet. My heart seizes in my chest as I admire them. No one has ever given me flowers before, and I wonder if he realizes how much this small, simple act means to me.
* * *
Two hours later, Lucy is questioning Spencer about his life in law enforcement, and we’ve officially made it through the tricky portions of the evening. The nearly silent car ride here, me accidentally sabotaging every attempt he made to be a gentleman, and all the uncomfortable introductions to my co-workers.
My eyes roam around the large banquet room. It’s decked out with white linen and twinkling white lights. The red roses on the table providing the only splash of color in the room. There’re huge chandeliers overhead and blue, fluorescent lighting around the recessed ceiling. Every table is full, most of the faces familiar ones, people I’ve worked with in some capacity over the years. The room is buzzing with conversation and laughter, blending together into white noise.
Just as I’m starting to feel comfortable with my surroundings, I see him. Paul is standing next to one of the exits, his wife by his side, talking to a group of people. Admirers of his, no doubt. The walls begin to close in around me as I watch him, everything fading away except for the ice in my veins.
“Lori.” Spencer takes my hand in his and squeezes it, pulling my attention away from Paul. “Hey, are you okay? You look a little like you saw a ghost.”
I spread a bright smile across my face and nod my head. “I’m good.”
