AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You look so beautiful tonight.”
“You smell fucking heavenly.”
My stomach was so twisted in knots that I barely touched my dinner, the air so thick with his intentions that I couldn’t breathe. He no longer felt the need to be careful or coy with me. I was right where he wanted me. Not only had I kept my mouth shut after what happened in the Jeep, but I continued as if he hadn’t pinned me down and nearly raped me. It was too late to tell someone. They wouldn’t believe me. Why would they? Who continues to be friendly with someone after they assault them?
As we left the restaurant and he whispered in my ear that he wanted to come over later that night, I knew what it meant. He was aware I’d be alone again—that there’d be no one to protect me or stop him. My head was spinning as I climbed into the back seat of his Jeep, every part of me screaming to save myself, but I did nothing.
That ride home is burned into my memory. The way the night air felt on my skin as it blew around me. How the seatbelt seemed to get tighter with each minute that passed. I even remember the song that was playing. Every time I hear “I miss you” by Incubus I’m transported back to that night.
I know what it’s like to look upon the gates of hell, to be terrified of walking through them and realizing you have no choice. That’s what it was like, looking into his eyes as he stared back at me through the rearview mirror. The devil himself was beckoning me to the fire. I was already damned.
When I opened the door for him later that night, he rushed me—his lips on mine, his tongue invading my mouth, his hands taking liberties with my most sensitive body parts.
The message was clear, he wasn’t asking permission anymore.
There were no tears, no pleas for him to stop. He didn’t physically harm me at all. I can’t even say that I was fearful. There was only numbness. I didn’t fight him off when he touched me and complied when he instructed how and where he wanted me to touch him. It was as if I turned off the parts of myself that made me who I was. All that remained was a mechanical machine.
Though he checked many things off his list that night, he left my virginity intact. I believe that it was another test, one that I tried not to fail. He wanted to see what I’d do, if I’d continue to keep this dirty little secret.
I think he enjoyed playing his games with me, he got off on seeing how far he could bend my will to his.
I would love to tell you that things ended there, that I was able to put a stop to it before he completely broke me. If that were the case, though, you might’ve never known I had a story to tell. If I hadn’t made my war cry loud enough for everyone to hear, you might not even care.
28
Lori
Spencer was quiet, too quiet, in the truck on the way back to my house. Paul managed to turn the best night of my life into the worst with little effort. I wish Spencer could understand all of this without me having to explain it to him, that he knew what it felt like trying to hold the shattered pieces of yourself together. Paul has been a plague on my life for seventeen years. Is it a crime that I didn’t want to let him taint this night?
He parks his truck in my driveway, his eyes remaining forward as his jaw tics. The knots in my stomach tighten as I watch him, unsure what happens from here. This is another reason I haven’t bothered with dating. I don’t like feeling as if I need to explain myself. Especially not about this.
“Well, I’m sorry,” I say, even though I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. My actions tonight—my interaction with Paul and kissing Spencer—were about survival, and that’s something I shouldn’t need to ask forgiveness for.
Spencer’s head finally turns to me, and I’m surprised when he regards me with loving, caring eyes. “I won’t even pretend to understand everything that happened back there, but I’m fairly certain you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“The kiss?” I question. His reaction to me kissing him was unexpected, but I can’t say he was wrong. That kiss was an act of defense, I used the one weapon that’s always been in my arsenal.
“I wish you hadn’t done that…at least not in that way, but I get why you did it. I was acting on my feelings instead of considering yours or listening to what you were saying.” He reaches across the bench seat, placing his hand over mine. “And, for that, I’m sorry.”
My eyes fall, studying the way his large hand covers mine. “That stuff with Paul…it’s complicated.”
That’s the nicest, easiest way to describe it. Completely fucked up is probably more accurate. The truth is, even after years of trying to understand and define everything with Paul, I still feel at a loss. He was my friend and mentor, then he was this person doing things to me that I didn’t like or want. Still, he hadn’t held me down as I cried and pleaded for him to stop. Could I even consider it assault? I’d told him no, that I didn’t want to do those things with him, but in the end, I’d allowed him to do them from fear of what would happen if I didn’t. Then I stayed quiet for the same reason, and because I was confused and scared. If I had been fifteen instead of eighteen, maybe it would be considered statutory rape or sexual abuse. But…
His thumb begins to caress my wrist, and I take a deep breath as I meet his eyes again.
“Did he threaten you? Is that why you’ve stayed quiet?”
I shake my head. In the beginning, I think a part of me stayed silent to protect him—the man I looked up to and grew to care for. Then the guilt and self-blame set in, and I feared what people would make of a situation I couldn’t even comprehend. As time went by, the lying and pretending became more about my survival than anything else. That’s why I play nice when he’s around. Why I plaster a fake smile on my face and allow him to kiss me on the cheek even though it makes me sick.
“No, he didn’t need to. Paul is a revered man in this town. I know exactly what would happen if I were to say otherwise. I’d be the one attacked, and it would be my character brought into question. We both know the kinds of things they could uncover in my closet. And when it comes down to his word against mine, who do you think they’re going to believe? Not the woman who’s known for sleeping around. Paul helped me get my career off the ground, and by all outside accounts we’ve remained friends all these years. Maybe there was a time when speaking up was still an option for me, but I was too afraid then. It’s been seventeen years now, and all I can do is play the hand I’ve been dealt.”
He sighs as his jaw tics. “I know you don’t want me to do or say anything to him, and I’m going to do my best to respect that. But it isn’t fair, the cards are stacked against you. Isn’t there anything I could do to even your odds?”
Panic causes my muscles to stiffen, the last thing I want is for Spencer to do anything that could mix him up in my mess with Paul. “I’m not looking for a white knight to come in and save the day.”
His eyes study mine as a soft smile tugs on his lips and he nods his head. “Understood. I promise I won’t try to fight your battles for you, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to fight them with you.”
My heart races, a flush spreading all the way to the tips of my ears. “Seriously? That’s really what you want, even after all that mess with Paul tonight?”
