AllFreeNovel
Share Us
There isn’t an easy way to describe how utterly terrified I felt. It was a suffocating fear.
Before my sister left on her trip, we went out shopping together. Our conversation got deep, as they tended to do with Nicole, and everything I had bottled up inside threatened to spill out.
“So, you believe we should forgive other people the way God forgives us? But what if the person has done something that not even God can forgive?” I asked her, tears uncontrollably spilling down my face.
My sister looked at me with leery concern. “God forgives all.”
I wanted to believe her, wanted to tell her everything and save myself. But when she tried to press me about what was wrong, I shut down.
Later that night, I got a call from a livid Jim. Nicole had told him how worried she was about me. She wanted to know if he knew why I was crying and thought, since we were so close, he might have some answers. My sister didn’t know that she had only made things worse for me.
He didn’t only have the answer, he was the answer.
Jim never asked me why I was upset or what I’d been crying about, he didn’t need to. He simply made it clear what would happen if I did it again.
“If you’re this upset about what happened between us, maybe I should tell her everything. This doesn’t all fall on you. We are both a part of this. We are in this together,” he said.
He knew I was too afraid to tell my sister and used it against me. But it was the word “we” that kept me in line.
29
Lori
There’s one thing that sticks with me more than anything else from my experience with Paul, and that’s how certain he was that I wouldn’t tell anyone. And he’d been right. Even after all these years, I let my fear keep me silenced.
I pretend to be this strong, brave woman, but fear is the driving force behind most of my life decisions. From my job at the paper to turning Spencer down when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Not only did I totally panic when he asked me, but I’ve been avoiding him since. I’ve never been in a committed relationship with someone before, and the idea of it scares the hell out of me. Not to mention how terrified I am that Cat is going to hate me forever.
“Do you want to talk about what’s on your mind?” Julianna asks.
When she called me last week to tell me that she’s pregnant, asking if I would help her plan the perfect way to tell Eric the big news, I was thrilled. Our relationship is finally getting back to the way it used to be. Now, we’re out shopping for baby items, and I’m letting my bullshit distract me.
“I’m trying to think of ways to turn Lori into a boy’s name, just in case. Lorenzo is one option, or Lorne,” I tease.
Her face contorts with disgust. “That’s not going to happen. We will likely go with an E name. Eleanor or Elijah perhaps.”
Rolling my eyes, I sigh dramatically and press my lips together. “Fine. If you’re determined to give the poor kid a stupid name.”
She scoffs, swatting at my arm. “But really, what’s going on with you. Did something happen with Spencer?”
Squealing, I pick up a pair of tiny Converse and dance them around in front of her. “These are the cutest things I’ve ever seen. I have to buy them for my niece or nephew.”
“Those are really freaking adorable,” she gushes, her cheeks glowing. “But you’re deflecting. Stop it. Talk to me.”
I groan and throw the shoes in the cart, narrowing my eyes at Julianna before continuing down the aisle. “He asked me to be his girlfriend.”
“And you’re freaking out.”
“Of course, I’m freaking out. It wasn’t that long ago that he was dating my best friend.”
“Is that really the problem, though? Or do you think maybe you’re afraid of letting yourself be happy?”
“Do I deserve to be happy? I hurt my best friend. She still isn’t speaking to me. What if she hates me forever?”
“She doesn’t hate you. You didn’t do anything wrong. And, if she loved Spencer, she wouldn’t have slept with someone else. I’m sure with time she’ll come around. It’s been pretty obvious from the start that the two of you had a connection.”
“Oh god, isn’t it kind of gross though? Spencer and I being together after he and Cat…” My words trail off as I shiver. As hard as I’ve tried, I can’t seem to block out the knowledge that they slept together. “I mean, she’s like a sister to me. It all feels a little incestuous.”
Julianna comes to a stop and laughs, placing a hand on her stomach as she shakes her head. “You are being ridiculous. Face it, you’re making up excuses. Spencer really cares about you. I can’t promise that everything will work out perfectly or that you won’t have hiccups along the way, but I think you owe it to yourself to give it a chance.”
