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ILLUSIONS OF ASH
After the first time Jim got me in his bed, something in me broke. My mind was cracked. It couldn’t cope with everything I’d done, what he’d done to me. It was split down the middle. One side harboring all the awful, soul crushing truths. The other living in complete denial.
My life was made up of lies, excuses, and make believe. It was too much pressure, trying to keep from falling apart. So much of my energy was spent hiding from everyone, even myself. I was cloaked in falsehoods, pretending to be the same girl I’d been before. But that girl was dead and gone, Jim had killed her. All that was left in her wake were pieces of who I used to be—tattered, dirty, ugly.
There seemed to be no escape from Jim or the girl he turned me into. I was once a person who relished in having complete control, and now had all my decisions being dictated. I wore the types of things he wanted me to, maintained my hair the way he liked it, and kept my mouth shut. If he got any indication I wasn’t playing along, he’d remind me of the consequences by offering to “come clean” with my sister.
I considered calling his bluff a couple times, imagining how freeing it would feel if he went through with it. But I knew how the story would go—that he’d tell my sister the two of us simply had an affair behind her back—and I was certain Nicole would believe it. Because why wouldn’t she? I knew the truth, I had lived it, and still bought into his lies and manipulations. Jim told me repeatedly that it was my fault, that I had tempted him, until it became my reality.
I envisioned my sister, hurt and enraged, telling everyone. They’d all think I had been his whore. And I had, but not by choice. If I’d been younger, even by one year, it would’ve been easier for people to believe that this twenty-eight-year-old man had taken advantage of a naïve girl. But I was eighteen, legally an adult in the eyes of the law, and that painted me as a girl who made poor choices, not a victim.
For a while, I tried to live the lie the best I could. It was about survival. When my friends asked why I hadn’t been around lately, I told them I was seeing someone, that I couldn’t tell them who because he had a girlfriend. At the time, I thought it would be easier to keep my lies as close to the truth as possible. But looking back, I see it was another cry for help. I wanted them to ask more questions and find out what was really going on. They didn’t.
Eventually, my fear began to transform into anger, and that’s when I started to rebel against Jim. Even the trivial things—cutting my hair, getting my tongue pierced, agreeing to meet up with Allen—made me feel freer. Each small win made me want to fight for more.
But with this new-found sense of freedom, I began to realize something. Jim was only letting me out of my cage because he knew I couldn’t fly away. He had made sure of that. I was tethered with secrets, lies, and fear.
30
Spencer
Levi pops a peanut in his mouth, cracking another one open as he eyes the door. “I’ll admit, I was surprised you called me,” he says, smirking as his gaze lands on me.
I place my beer down on the table, reaching for the metal bucket of peanuts. “Yeah, well…I’ve got to find a way to reach Lori. I know that the two of you’ve become pretty close.” I pop the nuts in my mouth, hesitating before I throw the shell onto the concrete floor with the others.
Levi raises an eyebrow. “Does this mean she finally told you that we didn’t sleep together?”
I laugh, rubbing my shoulder. Shamefully, I asked Lori about her relationship with Levi the night of the banquet and was so relieved to learn the truth. “That may have come up.”
“And now that you don’t want to punch me in the face, you want my advice?”
“Basically,” I admit with a nod.
“All right.” His eyes move to the door and back again before he gestures to me, making me wonder who he’s watching for. “Shoot. What’s up?”
“So…” I sit up straighter and scoot to the edge of the booth seat, trying to avoid shouting over the loud atmosphere of the restaurant. “We started dating after the banquet. Thanks for that, by the way. She told me you encouraged her decision to ask me.”
He snorts, nodding. “I may have given her a little push in the right direction.”
“Well, everything has been going great, and I thought we were on the same page.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “And what page was that?”
“Well…I told her how I feel,” I say, shrugging. “That I want us to be together.”
He sucks in a breath through his teeth and shakes his head. “Oh, shit.”
I relax into the back of the booth again, throwing my hands up in defeat before folding my arms. “What? Why is that so bad? Why is she avoiding me?”
“Haven’t you ever heard the saying that you need to learn to walk before you can run? You know her better than I do, so you know what a big deal it is that she’s opening herself up to you. Give the woman a second to catch her breath.”
“Okay,” I agree, nodding. He’s wise for someone so young. I made the right decision coming to him for advice. “How do I know when she’s had enough time?”
His head tilts as he rubs the back of his neck. “I’m not sure I can answer that for you, but I think there is one person that could help you speed things along.”
“Cat?”
“Yep.” He takes a sip of his beer, giving the door and his watch another check, before his attention lands on me again. “She’s the only person who’ll be able to get through to Lori.”
