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“Hi,” she says as I come to a stop in front of her.
“Hello.” I’m dying to kiss her, but I have no clue where she’s planning to go with this talk. So, I settle for pulling her in my arms for a quick hug.
“Do you want to take a walk?”
“Lead the way.” My heart hammers in my chest as I take her hand, my muscles relaxing a little when she begins to walk without pulling away. “I admit, I was starting to take your lack of communication this week personally.”
She squeezes my hand, giving me a shy smile as she turns to meet my gaze. “I’ve been a little busy this week. If I tell you with what, you have to promise not to tell Eric.”
My brow creases, but I nod in agreement. “Promise.”
“Julianna is pregnant,” she beams.
“Wow, that’s fantastic news. Eric is going to be over the moon when he finds out.”
“I know. Of course, in true Julianna fashion, she wants to make a big production out of telling him, and I’ve been helping with her little project. That’s why I was at the park, Danielle and I were helping her take some pictures.”
“Well, I must say that while I’m happy for her and Eric, I’m mostly relieved that you weren’t merely avoiding me all week.” I pull her into my arms as we stop, one hand holding her close, the other tucking her hair behind her ear. She sucks in a breath, her eyelids fluttering as I drag my knuckles down her jaw line, sweeping my thumb over her bottom lip. When I lean in, bringing my mouth close to hers, her tongue darts out to wet her lips. “I was beginning to worry I might not get to kiss you again.”
With a slight shake of her head, her mouth meets mine. Her kiss is delicate, though there’s an eagerness in the stroke of her tongue. She wraps her arms tightly around me, her hands kneading my back as if she’s trying to keep them from roaming. By the time she breaks the kiss, we’re both a little out of breath. Her eyes are still closed as I pull away, feeling this overwhelming happiness as I study her beautiful face.
“God, I love you.”
The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. Lori’s eyes pop open, her face blanching as they focus on me. My chest tightens as her arms move back to her sides, and she steps out of my hold. As if she’s going to respond, she clears her throat and her gaze falls. Instead, she turns in silence, and I’m certain my word vomit has screwed things up, until she takes my hand in hers and continues down the trail.
“I can’t,” she says, her voice little more than a whisper. “Not yet.”
My heart grows heavy, but those two words keep it afloat.
Not yet.
ILLUSIONS OF ASH
Stockholm syndrome is defined as feelings of trust or affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor.
No, I wasn’t kidnapped.
But this is the best way for me to describe why I kept coming back to Jim. I hated what he was doing to me and wanted it to stop, but I also cared for him. Or believed I did. He was my abuser, but he also played the role of my friend and brother.
For an entire year of my life, Jim controlled and abused me. I wanted it to end, but he had to be the one to let me go. It was the only way to make it stop. I was his special toy, though, and he wasn’t going to discard me easily. You see, he got me when I was brand new and loved that no one else had ever played with me. So, I came up with a plan to take some of the shine off Jim’s favorite toy. I thought once I was sullied by others, he would lose interest.
This is how I ended up with Adrian—the boy who showed me what love really is, the boy who would save me. He was meant to be the first of many, but Adrian wanted more than my body, he wanted my heart. Only I wasn’t sure I had one anymore.
In the beginning, Adrian was nothing more than a means to an end. I had no clue how much he would change me—or that meeting him would be the beginning of the end for Jim. I was so sure sleeping with Adrian would turn Jim off, but it didn’t.
He still didn’t want to release his hold on me.
The night I took Adrian to meet my sister, Jim showed up. The wrath radiating from him was so intense I feared Nicole would notice. It wasn’t my sister who took note though, it was Adrian.
While Nicole had Adrian occupied with conversation, Jim found and cornered me, as he’d done many times before.
“What are you trying to prove bringing that kid here? Did you think I’d be jealous because you let him fuck you?”
Before I could respond, Adrian called out for me. Jim didn’t move right away like he would have if anyone else had entered the room, he wanted Adrian to see—for him to see me as damaged goods. When I met Adrian’s eyes, I knew he had.
Adrian was told the same story as many of my friends—the one about the guy who had a girlfriend. Though he was the only who knew I wanted out. Once he saw me around Jim, it wasn’t hard to put the pieces together.
On the way home that night, Adrian flat out asked if Jim was the guy, and I didn’t even try to deny it. It was almost a relief to finally tell someone the truth. I spilled my guts during that car ride, telling Adrian everything from start to finish, including how I’d been with Jim the very day we met.
