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She pulls away from me, crossing her arms. Her tongue runs over her front teeth before it clicks. “You can’t go back when you haven’t even left the starting line.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Her features pucker at my harsh tone, and I sigh. “Why are you doing this? You said Cat talked to you and everything was okay. I don’t understand what you’re doing right now.”
The rims of her eyes go red, filling with tears as they bounce around the parking lot avoiding me. “I’m doing what’s right, and someday you’ll see that. I’ve never been the right girl for you, I’ll never be worthy of your love.”
I groan, fighting the urge to scream out in frustration. “You already are.” I grab her shoulders and lean down, forcing her to meet my gaze again. “You’re the only one who can’t see that.” Her chin quivers as a tear trickles down, and I reach out to dry it from her face. “Look, I know you’re scared, but I won’t let you do this.”
She twists her body to shift out of my hold, and her eyes narrow. “You don’t get to make that choice for me.”
I throw my hands up in defeat, pacing in a circle as I try to figure out what to say that’ll make this stop. When I’m facing her again, I lock my eyes on hers. “You’re right, but I can tell you this…I love you, Lori Stevens. You stole my heart the first night we spent together, and I’ve never wanted it back. It belongs with you. You make me feel whole, you are the person I want by my side. Please, please don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry,” she breathes, shaking her head as more tears roll down her cheeks. “You should be with someone who wants to wear a white dress and have a ton of beautiful babies with you. That isn’t me.”
My hands go to my hair again and I tug, blinking at her with confusion. “Why the hell are we talking about white dresses and babies? Hell, I’d be happy if you’d stop all this nonsense and be my girlfriend. Is this about what my grandmother said?”
Her eyes widen as she sucks in a breath. “You heard that?”
“Yeah,” I scoff. “I did. And all she wants is to know I’ll have someone who’ll be by my side no matter what. That is you. You proved that tonight by showing up here. If you don’t want to sign a piece of paper or live your life barefoot and pregnant, that’s perfectly fine. I don’t give a damn about any of that, I only want you.”
Her head falls. “I can’t. You deserve so much more.”
She turns to get into her car, and I blink at her in disbelief, too emotionally drained to keep fighting her. Even after I laid everything out there, she’s still running. And this time, I’m too damn tired to chase her.
35
Lori
My leg is bouncing as Ashland takes a seat at the table across from me, the bright fluorescent lighting and people talking around us only amplifying my nervous energy. After my editor approved my final revisions, I sent it over to Ashland to approve. She hadn’t read any of it before then, and I’m a little terrified she hated it.
“So, you said you finished reading it? What did you think?”
“It wasn’t easy to get through,” she answers, giving me a sad smile. “But that is kind of the point, isn’t it? You told my story so well, it felt like I was living it all over again. You kept it real and raw, and I loved that. Anyone else would’ve felt the need to change the story or leave information out wanting to prove I was a victim. Even though it would only make me look less like one.”
My body relaxes into the metal chair as I let out a long breath. “I’m so happy to hear that. I’ve been so worried you would hate it. But it’s my hope your story will shine a light on the fact that not all sexual assault or abuse looks the same.”
Ashland nods as she gives me a smile. It’s the first time I’ve seen her smile, and it makes my chest tighten. “Exactly. I knew you were the right person to tell my story.”
“Thank you,” I say, swallowing down the emotions bubbling up. “When I did my final read-through, I thought of one other question I wanted to ask you. Is that okay?”
She scoffs, shrugging. “I’ve told you every detail of the worst moments in my life, I think I can handle any question you throw at me.”
“Right.” I let out a nervous laugh, wiping my sweaty palms down my slacks as I clear my throat. “Well, you had Adrian, who loves you very much. Your life was going well. What do you think kept you from being able to let go of what happened?”
Ashland blinks, sitting back in her chair as she sighs. “That’s easy. I couldn’t forgive myself. Jim had apologized to me a couple times over the years. They weren’t sincere, and I didn’t forgive him, but not forgiving him wasn’t the issue. He didn’t deserve my forgiveness. The problem was I could never accept I hadn’t brought that hell upon myself. I couldn’t let go of the blame and responsibility I felt for what happened. I didn’t believe I deserved Adrian’s love, so I never really let him into my heart.” She pauses, using the end of her sleeve to dry up the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes then locks her stare on me. “You need to forgive yourself.”
“Excuse me?” I squeak.
“You don’t owe me your story, and I would never ask, but I know you have one. You captured my pain too well not to. But whatever it is—whatever that person did to you—you need to forgive yourself. You must accept that no matter what you were wearing, what you did or didn’t say, it’s not your fault. Until you stop hating yourself for what happened to you, you won’t be able to let someone else love you.” Tears fall freely from my eyes, my nose running and chin quivering. She’s right. I’m the only person standing in the way of my happiness.
“I like to think in another life, Adrian and I would have two kids—one girl and one boy. Both with A names so we could be that super annoying family. In that life, we live in a big house where we have lots of family gatherings. Adrian would be a successful businessman, allowing me to stay home focusing on my writing and raising our children. It’s a beautiful, happy life. But it’s not reality because I couldn’t open myself up to love. Don’t let the same thing happen to you.”
* * *
On my way home from visiting Ashland, I considered everything she said about forgiving myself. There’s no question I’ve harbored some self-blame all these years. Still, absolving myself of responsibility never occurred to me. As long as I’m carrying this guilt, I’ll never believe I’m worthy of love. Especially not the love of someone as wonderful as Spencer.
Spencer.
God, I walked away from him again. Left him standing in that parking lot alone, looking completely broken. I need to fix things with him, or at the very least apologize and explain myself. But there’s one thing I want to do first.
