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We’re passing the bus stop when I confess to him that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be one of the rich Black Mountain kids we go to school with. I bet life would be easier. It has to be.
Ben is real quiet after I say this. He tips his head back and stares up at the clear winter sky.
“Money doesn’t always make life easy,” he says and he sounds sad. He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. “Sometimes it does the opposite.”
We walk in silence for an entire block but it’s not an uneasy silence. Cardinal Street is decked out with holiday lights and right now in the darkness it looks pretty.
“Do you have big plans for the holidays?” I ask him.
“Not really. Gonna work. Gonna sleep in. Gonna enjoy not taking the bus back and forth for a few weeks.”
“You won’t be visiting family or anything?”
“Nope.”
“We’ll drive out to Pennington to see my grandmother on Christmas day. She lives with her two younger sisters. That’s about the only family we have left.”
I wait for Ben to offer some information. He doesn’t.
I squeeze his arm. “Is it weird to say that there are so many things I want to know about you?”
He sighs. “No. But there are things I can’t tell you.”
“Ben.”
His voice sharpens. “You just need to trust me, Camden.”
“But-“
My words are cut off when Ben stops, pulls me close and covers my mouth with his. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lose myself in the kiss, which isn’t hard. He’s an unbelievable kisser. He uses his tongue with abandon, slides his hands through my hair and gets close enough for me to feel all of him through our clothes. We kiss for minutes. Or maybe it’s hours. Nothing else exists during that kiss except the two of us.
When he finally breaks away he presses his forehead to mine and sighs.
“Do you understand?”
He’s telling me that in order to be in his life I’ll have to accept that there will always be a part of him that he will keep to himself. For a while I’ve thought that Ben Beltran is the keeper of many secrets and now I’m sure of it. And if I want him then I’ll have to surrender the idea of finding out what those secrets are.
I do want him. And so I need to try to trust him enough to do as he asks.
“I understand.”
“And you’ll trust me?”
“Yes.”
Ben walks me right to my front door. I hate the idea of sending him out into the freezing night alone and without a jacket.
“Ben, I’m sure my dad would drive you home. Come inside. I’ll ask him.”
“No, I’ll walk.” He pulls me in and kisses me once more. “Good night. And happy birthday.”
“Good night.” I’m holding onto him. I don’t want to let go. I’m afraid that the fragile magic of this night will be broken if I let go.
“I lied,” I whisper in his ear.
He backs up and looks at me funny.
I take a deep breath. “I lied when I said I don’t know if I like you. I think I might like you too much.”
