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“I…” I pause, realizing I’m not entirely sure. Honestly, every time he opens his mouth these days I expect him to say something that will slice my chest wide open in a new and exciting way. He’s so damn skilled at hurting me. The people you love most always are, aren’t they? Past that expectation, I guess I want him to… well, yeah, forgive me. “I guess it is forgiveness. I mean, obviously I want him to forgive me. That’s the goal, right? Without that, we’ll never be okay.”
“Have you ever thought that maybe he deserves an apology from you that isn’t weighed down by that goal, though? Just an apology all on its own. No excuses or reasoning. No pointing out that you’re brothers or that you saved him or that you love him. Not demanding that he understands where you’re coming from. Not begging for things to go back to how they were. Just apologize and walk away. An apology because he deserves one, not because you want him to forgive you?”
I rest my cheek on his hair, watching a bird fly across the gray-blue sky. “I can try. I will try. He… he deserves that, you’re right.”
“Here, practice with me. What’s one thing you’d apologize to him for right now if he gave you a chance.”
I don’t have to think long. “I’m sorry for not saving him the night of his auction. I mean, I fucking couldn’t, there’s no way I could have, the boss would have probably had me killed before I was within one hundred miles of the location, but I’m still fucking sorry for not doing it.”
“You see what you did there?” he asks with a soft laugh. “You said the sorry part and then immediately went into an excuse. Carter knows the excuse already. You shoving the excuse in his face makes him feel bad for being upset. It’s like you’re saying… hey, I’m sorry but it was out of my control, so let it go. He can’t fucking let it go. He was sold at a fucking auction for fuck’s sake.” He winces, then gives me a too-cheery smile. “I say this with love for both of you, you know that, right?”
“Since when do you love Carter?” I ask, my head a little too busy spinning his words around to process that he counted me under the love category too.
“Since he and I had a heart-to-heart after his brother ditched me to go get wasted in his room.”
I flinch. “I’m sorry.”
“Aww, see? You totally can just apologize without giving excuses.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rub a hand over my face. God, I’m so fucking exhausted. “I’ll try. With Carter, I mean. I’ll try.”
“And with me?”
I drop my hand to frown at him. “What do you mean?”
“Will you keep trying with me?” He lifts his hand from my collar, choosing to run his thumb along my jaw now. “Keep letting me help? Maybe take better care of yourself?”
“Yeah.” I pull the blanket tighter around us, correcting where it’s started to slip off his shoulder. “I’ll keep trying with you too.”
Nolan smiles. “You know, you look—”
“Maison?”
I turn my face away to look in the direction of the new voice, aware of how tense Nolan just went beside me. Travis is standing a few feet away, his shoulders slumped and his hands shoved in the pockets of his sweatpants. He looks utterly miserable, eyes rimmed red and hair a finger-mussed wreck. “Trav, hey. You okay?”
“No. Not at all. Not even a fucking little.” He laughs, but it’s too high and thready. Unhinged, almost. I feel Nolan start to tremble beside me. “There’s a town seventy klicks west of here. College town.”
“I’m aware.”
Travis looks up at the sky. Another bird is making its way across it, stark black against the clouds. A strange sort of smile twists along his lips before he brings his eyes to meet mine again. “Your brother is moving there with Casey.”
Nolan’s fingers dig into my thigh.
I release a slow, deep breath. “Okay.”
I lose track of Nolan in all the chaos, not seeing him again until dinner—the last dinner Carter and Casey will eat as safehouse members. Everyone has mixed feelings, but the survivors seem to be excited for them to get started on the new chapter of their lives. Carter talks a little about the college he’s hoping to go to, trying to get Bryce and Nolan to feel better about them leaving. Casey doesn’t say much, but he sports a convincing enough smile for the meal. Jake and Travis are obviously messes, but that’s to be expected. I’m fucking ecstatic, but I’m trying to play it cool.
There’s a lot to get together before any of us feel safe enough for Carter and Casey to move away. Ace found them an apartment and has already run background checks on the landlord, the other occupants in the building, and the occupants of surrounding buildings. Now that Carter has chosen a college course, Ace is multitasking, running checks on his professor and classmates as well as creating a false transcript to go with his new identity. I’m going to handle getting all necessary accounts created for Carter and Casey, money transfers sorted out, phones activated, and IDs printed. I also need to call the man ahead of me in the chain of command and inform him of the change while also begging him to let Carter and Casey return to the safehouse for weekly therapy despite it being against the rules. Once it’s dark, Ace is going to drive into town and install cameras and a security system in the new apartment.
It’s a lot to do, but I’m so fucking excited about Carter finally taking a step away from Travis to work on himself that I don’t even feel affected by it all. That doesn’t mean I forget about Nolan and our nights by the fire. After having him sleep in bed next to me, I feel wrong ghosting him like I’ve been the previous nights. He was right, we don’t hide from each other.
When Ace leaves, I head downstairs to find Nolan. I can’t be down there tonight, but I can invite him to keep me company in the office while I do some more work. I know he won’t be thrilled, especially because I still haven’t seen the doctor, but I’d give just about anything to have him with me. I fucking miss him. He said it himself last night, he misses me too.
Nolan isn’t down in the living room. Or the kitchen. Or the laundry room. Or the gym. Or the pool. Or Dr. Singh’s empty office. Or the reading room. Or anywhere outside.
Maybe he was too tired to wait up? Or assumed I was too busy? Part of me wants to knock on his bedroom door, but the last thing I want is to disrupt his or Matt’s sleep. Besides, I have plenty to do. I’ll see him in the morning.
Except, I don’t see him in the morning either. He didn’t cook breakfast despite it being Carter and Casey’s last day. He doesn’t appear when we’re getting ready to leave either, just me and Jake, since Travis can’t trust himself to bring Carter to town and then leave him there. Something’s wrong. My gut knows it. While Carter and Travis share an angsty goodbye, I slip away to Nolan’s room and knock.
