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I’m not the first team commander to have a survivor attempt suicide post-operation. If Casey had succeeded, I wouldn’t have been the first to lose one, either. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. Especially with the survivor being someone so fucking close to me. It makes me think of how Carter went suicidal in the compound, causing Travis to decide that he needed to tell him the truth. It makes me wonder if any of the survivors here are struggling with similar feelings. If Nolan is struggling with similar feelings.
Not twenty-four hours after the boy drunkenly confessed to wanting to be fucked by me, to loving me, and to finding me safe, and now I’m stuck in a panic spiral that he may be suicidal. Fuck me.
There’s no way I’m letting any of these survivors go. We’re getting to the end of our time here at the safehouse, I know that. I already tentatively asked if Nolan, Matt, or Bryce would be able to get the same deal as Carter and Casey so they could start branching out and returning to living a semi-normal life. The answer was a resounding no. That was scary enough to consider before Casey tried killing himself in that pool today. Now, it’s downright terrifying. If any of them choose to leave, they’ll have to leave for good. I can’t fucking help them if they do that. I can’t keep them safe.
I’ve been searching for houses ever since, trying to find a place we could all move to together. A place in or near Carter’s town so we could all be close to one another. That search feels more urgent than ever now.
Nolan is busy with Matt and Bryce, the three of them clingier than ever. It seems that even though Casey asked us to keep his incident a secret from Carter, that option won’t be viable for the rest of the survivors. Nolan was already there to witness the aftermath, and Matt was in Ace’s office when Jake set the alarm off. I’m not sure if Bryce knows, or how he would know if he does, but it wouldn’t surprise me. The way he seems to be fussing over Nolan and Matt indicates some definite worry.
I have a feeling Bryce will be happy about my idea to move so we can all stay together. I’m hoping like hell Nolan will be too. All who’s left to convince after those two are Matt, Ace, Jake, and Casey. Convincing Jake and Ace should be enough, since the two will probably go on to convince Casey and Matt.
I just have to find a house that can fit all of our chaos. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?
Nolan climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night, a perfect balm to my hours of anxious tossing and turning. He presses his face to my throat and sighs like he’s just shrugged off a heavy weight. I wrap my arms around him and press a kiss to the crown of his head. “Hey. I missed you, today.”
“Missed you, too.” His fingers tangle in the fabric of my shirt against my stomach, clinging to me. “How’s Casey? He was asleep before I could check on him.”
“He’ll be okay, I think. Jake said he saved himself. He was under the water for too long, long enough for Jake to jump in, but Casey came up before Jake reached him. Dr. Singh is going to spend more time with him tomorrow. For now, Jake’s got him.”
“His daddy,” Nolan says with a soft laugh.
I smirk. “Yes.”
“Good for him. For them.”
“I think so, too.”
“Do you ever…” Nolan pauses, his fingers trembling a little against my shirt.
I shift him so I can see his face, even though it’s mostly shadowed. “Do I ever what?”
“Nothing.” He tucks his face against my throat, pressing a kiss to it. I can’t help but feel like he’s hiding. “It’s late. We should get some sleep.”
I can’t help but agree with him, even if whatever he was about to ask is going to be just another layer of shit for me to worry about now. He really deserves to rest, though. Casey is safe. Bryce and Matt are safe. My operatives are safe.
Carter is safe.
Nolan is safe.
Everything else can wait.
“But you’re okay, right?” I whisper, a slight tremble to my voice. I have to be sure. Before I can go to sleep, before I can take another fucking breath, I have to be sure. “I can’t—fuck, baby. I can’t be pulling you out of a pool.”
He lays his leg over mine, bringing us as close as possible. “I’m okay, Mais. No pools. I promise.”
Now it’s my turn to sigh, releasing my own heavy weight. Or trying to, at least. Only about half of it is willing to go.
I think of how terrified Jake had looked today, holding Casey to his chest with the realization that the man he loved wanted to die. I think of the house listings near Carter’s town that I’ve saved, all spacious enough for everyone currently living in the safehouse plus a few more. I think of Travis and Carter going to a barbecue with Meridian’s friend group tomorrow and the frowned-upon surveillance I’ve started on the man.
I think of Nolan, drunk and smiling, asking me to fuck him, confessing his love, telling me he thinks I’m safe.
We’re right on the edge of a future I’m terrified of. A future I can’t fucking wait for. A future where we’ll finally see if all our pieces can fit together with the help of a little gold and magic.
I can’t spend another second thinking of any of it, so I hold him tight and think of nothing at all.
Nolan leaves me in the morning with featherlight kisses and a whispered, “Gonna make everyone breakfast.” I’m half-asleep but manage to snag him until he gives me a proper kiss before passing out for a little while longer. I wake to the smell of bacon and coffee, squinting to see a plate and steaming mug beside the bed. No Nolan, though. I can’t help but think yet again of his drunken ramblings. Does he remember any of them? If he does, did he mean them and is he hoping I’ll bring them up? Or is he not ready and is hoping I’ll leave it be? Should I gently broach the subject to see if he is, in fact, ready, or wait until he brings them up himself?
Dr. Singh would tell me to communicate. Life is much less complicated than we all make it, Maison. You’d be shocked by how much can be fixed with a damn conversation.
