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“I didn’t mean to hear it.”
“But you did.” He sighs before wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I turn to put my face against his hair, shuddering as relief and heartbreak war inside me. “You know, I followed you guys when he ran out of the pub. I wanted to—I don’t even know. Just be there for him, I guess. Sometimes us survivors need another survivor, you know?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, already knowing where this is going.
“I saw him go to his knees. Did you?”
I close my eyes, seeing it play again on the backs of my eyelids. It’s been the main show lately. It haunts me even worse in my sleep, my head filling every night with nightmares of me putting him on his knees, sometimes doing terrible things once he’s there, things he asked for on that fucking list we both filled out.
“Did you notice how his whole body softened once he was down?” Carter asks, his voice full of a heavy sadness. When I nod, he explains, “That was the weight of the world coming off his shoulders. I know it, Mais. I’ve felt it. That one movement might seem simple to you, but to me, it means being able to fucking breathe. It means feeling safe. I have a feeling Nolan views it like that too.”
I want to tell him that he’s fucking wrong, but I can’t. It’d be a lie.
“He wanted it to be Trav that found him,” I tell Carter instead. The truth hurts way worse than any lie could.
“No, Maison.” He pulls away to look me right in the eyes, his gaze impossibly intense. “Travis isn’t who he wants. He never was. Nolan needed it to be a dominant that found him, but he wanted it to be you.”
Bile burns the back of my tongue. “I don’t know how.”
Carter looks at me with the same intensity he has all his life. It’s a look that has always made me feel invincible. Has always made me feel like his hero. It was a look that left no doubt in my mind that he believed in me.
My brother looks at me like that for the first time since he was captured and dragged into this nightmare world of mine, and says, “Learn.”
The first person to really teach me about kink was Hunter Meridian. I had forgotten about him after Nolan asked me to try kink, no longer fascinated by the abstract ideas Meridian discussed in his videos while tying beautiful knots. I shoved him out of my mind. He was too close to the reason for the strain on Nolan’s and my relationship to do anything but forget him. Denial, remember? Powerful shit.
I nearly laugh when I log into my dormant account to find that Meridian posted a new video just last night. I actually do laugh, though it’s more of a hysterical laugh that verges on crying, when he starts to say things that feel like they’re meant for me.
“Don’t be afraid to ask for help,” he says as he uses red rope on a mannequin, his long and elegant fingers tying the prettiest knots I’ve ever seen. “Whether you’re new to the scene or a seasoned kinkster, there’s always room for help. Find a mentor or a friend. It’s why we call ourselves a community. A good kinkster should always be willing to help another.”
According to Travis, the local kink community, and the larger online community, Meridian is a good kinkster. One of the best, even.
Carter said that Nolan kneeling had relieved him of the weight of the world. I know from experience that I can take that weight on myself, that I can carry it despite how hard it’ll be to bear. I can do that for Nolan. I just have to learn how.
A good kinkster should always be willing to help another.
Well, Hunter Meridian, it looks like we’re going to find out if you’re a man of your word.
