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My chest constricted, and the food I’d just consumed rolled in my stomach.
How could I?
“Are we ready?” I asked, scooting away from Haven in the booth. I couldn’t even look at her.
Somehow, Haven belonged to me and yet, I sat there, betraying my mate.
We walked to the car and got in. I stared out the rear passenger window, trying not to crack. “Collyn?” Haven asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t you dare lie to me, Collyn.” Her tone surprised me. Usually her voice was soft. “I can take a lot of things but I can’t stand a liar. I told you two everything, now tell me what has you shutting me out?”
“Let’s pause for a moment and talk once we get home, please.” Fitz reached across the console and took Haven’s hand in his.
I wanted to reach for her as well but something stopped me.
“Okay,” she whispered, but the word stuck in her throat. I had hurt our mate.
Once we arrived at the house, I suggested we go sit in the living room. That was becoming the spot where we talked things over.
“Collyn, speak to me.” She leaned over from her place on the couch and touched my leg. It melted me completely. I took her hand and then pulled her onto my lap. She was stiff at first but then relaxed into me. It killed me that I had taken out my hang-ups on her.
“I saw someone while we were eating. She looked just like Sela.” I pulled one of my hands into a fist and rubbed it over my sternum.
“You saw her, too?” Haven turned to ask Fitz.
He nodded. “I did.”
“So you saw someone who looked like your mate who passed away and that somehow evolved into giving me the ice prince treatment?” I deserved every word.
Fitz threw his head back, and I groaned. I hung my head and to my surprise, she stroked my hair. It was time for me to grovel. “I didn’t mean to, sweetheart. The guilt shot through me and it paralyzed me. I didn’t know what to do or how to explain it. There I was, sitting next to you, the most beautiful woman and yet, the guilt overwhelmed me to the point where it was hard to breathe. Haven, I’m so sorry. That was all me. You did nothing wrong and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
Haven turned to me. “And you felt guilty as well?”
Fitz nodded. “I struggle with it. I really do.”
“I see,” she said and got up. She reached for her phone. “It’s almost noon. I should get to my desk and settle before my meetings start. And I could use some time to myself.”
Fuck me.
She walked away, and that’s when I realized that there was a pain stronger and deeper than losing Sela. It was the pain of Haven walking away.
Chapter Eighteen
Haven
I didn’t leave the house, although that had been my plan. In the end, I settled in my home office instead and got to work. My meetings went well, and before I knew it, they were over. At least, I thought they went well. Half of my mind was on Collyn and Fitz.
I’d told them most of my secrets and revealed the parts of me that the world didn’t get to see. I’d even become so unabashedly bold around them that I brought them to my nest. For the night, we’d shared my sacred space. My wolf’s den—her nest.
Breakfast with them went well—until it didn’t.
I had never lost anyone in my life. Yeah, I’d been rejected, and friends had come and gone, but death hadn’t taken any of them.
I’d certainly never lost a mate. So, I didn’t know what it felt like and so, didn’t know how it felt to move on from a loss that great.
I couldn’t empathize with them, but hiding it from me didn’t help a damned thing. In fact, it had created a rift between us, and I’d gone to hide in my office.
