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“Sela is gone. She’s been gone almost four years now. I miss her just as much as you do, but it’s time for me to find another mate.” His eyes widened. I hadn’t been clear. “What I mean is, I’m ready to find another mate, and I’m wondering if you are, too.”
“It feels like betraying her. Cheating on her. Even thinking about another.” Collyn’s words were hushed as though Sela might overhear us. If our mate’s spirit was trapped, it was our fault. We couldn’t let her go and, honestly, before the last few months, I hadn’t even tried. I’d kept her close to my heart and punished myself for how I couldn’t help her or save her by living this vacant life in her absence.
“She told us to move on. Don’t you remember?”
He huffed out a laugh. “I remember that. I thought she was high on the medicine, but she wasn’t. I refused to talk about it. You didn’t tell me what you found.”
I sighed, not wanting this conversation to end by pushing things, but I couldn’t stop. This era of haunting and walking the floors of this house and this life like zombies had to end. “I found an app.”
“You found an app for what?” He shifted on his side of the couch.
“For shifters looking for a mate.”
He reeled back. “Is that what we’re deciding here? Are we…I don’t know if I can.”
“I know. That’s why I’m bringing it up. You and I…our wolves decided a long time ago that we would share a mate, and I don’t intend to break that bond. I want to join this app and find a mate, but only if you are willing to do it with me.”
Collyn paused for a moment, his face reflecting his churning thoughts. At least we had gotten that far. I thought for sure he would shut me down instantly. “Sometimes, I feel so alone and empty, Fitz. It’s hard to breathe.”
I scooted closer to him and patted his arm. “She wouldn’t want us to live this way. What would Sela say to us or to one of her friends in this predicament?”
Collyn smiled. It had been a long time since I saw that smile from my longtime friend. “She would’ve told us to get over ourselves. Remember when she said that all the time?”
She did. Our mate was quick to put us in our place, and I loved that part of her.
“So, let’s get over ourselves, Collyn.”
He took a look around the house and shook his head a bit. Maybe coming to terms with this life we’d made for ourselves. This shell of an existence. “The app…there can be more than one mate? I mean, there’s two of us.”
I let out a long breath. This was going better than I thought. I had been prepared to defend my position to the end of time, but clearly, I wasn’t alone in this need that burned underneath my skin. The need for a female, a packmate, a lover, a friend.
“Let me show you.”
I gave Collyn the tour of the app, and I showed him where I’d basically almost finished signing up. By the time we were done, he was actually looking at potential mates. I was surprised to see all kinds of creatures and species of shifters on there. “Do you care? What if our match is a bunny shifter or something?”
“I don’t care about what she is. Neither do you. You’re baiting me.” We laughed a bit, and I soaked in the feeling of us, breathing again. Living again, even if it was this small step.
“I am.”
He turned to face me. “You don’t feel guilty? Like this is wrong?”
“Does your wolf think this is wrong? Put away your human emotions for a second and talk to him. What does he say?”
A growl rose up. “I already know what he has to say. He wants another mate. He’s been ready for a while. And I think…I think I’m ready, too. I couldn’t face it. Besides, this takes a while, right? It’s not like we’re going to find a mate overnight.”
Chapter Four
Haven
As soon as I walked into the conference room, Tilly right behind me, the overpowering scent of donuts and pastries along with sugary, vanilla cappuccino hit my nose.
The update must’ve gone off without a hitch.
I skimmed passed the donuts and opted for the coffee even though I’d given up sugar and creamer in my coffee a while ago. It was a crime at the time, but now this sugary drink promised a crash. I would take it in search of energy.
Whoever came up with morning meetings was a pain in my ass.
It was me. I was my own pain in my own ass.
