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I pause for feedback. I get none. I’m not sure if she’s accepting my analysis of her personality or is simply ignoring me.
“I asked you last week what marriage felt like to you and you said a cage. You said it felt like being in a box with all the sides taped down. That’s a pretty big statement.”
Still, nothing.
“Sensation seekers often feel this way when things begin to become mundane or too routine—as marriage tends to become. Last week, I asked you a very simple question: Do you want to leave your husband? You didn’t answer then; I’m hoping you’ll answer now.”
There’s a long moment of silence.
“No,” she says.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do, somewhere deep down you know the answer to that question and it’s my job to pull it out of you. Let me ask you this: Do you not want to leave your husband because you feel guilty about breaking the vow of a marriage? Or maybe hurting him in the process? Or is it that you truly love him?”
No response.
“Or maybe it’s none of that—maybe it’s that you don’t want to leave what marriage provides for you. Is Shepherd an anchor of sorts? Whether you fight or not, do you find solace in the fact that he will always come home to you no matter what? Does this give you a sense of security?”
Her brows raise ever so slightly. “Yes… I think—I do feel that way.”
“So that’s what I want to dig into. There is something inside you that desperately needs security and stability, despite the fact that you are a sensation-seeking personality. And whatever this is, is a dominant thing in your life. I’d really like to understand the whys of this.”
“I think he might be cheating on me,” she blurts, momentarily stunning me but also sending a rush of relief through my body. Finally, something to dig into. However, I’m also surprised by this confession because I have had a hunch that she has been cheating on him. I’ve just been waiting for her to tell me about it. It fits with her sensation-seeking personality type, and is alarmingly common in that subset of people. Oftentimes the man or woman may be deeply in love with their spouse, but the insatiable need for fresh experiences drives them to cheat. It’s a very difficult situation to untangle, for all players involved.
I say, “Thank you for telling me this. This must be extra hard on you, because if he is cheating, this is a threat to the sense of security you crave so badly. What makes you think he’s cheating on you?”
“Call it a gut instinct.” She shifts in her seat. “He constantly goes out with his friends, but comes home later and later each time. And he avoids me after. He’s also more distant than ever. Also, he’s stopped bringing up wanting to have kids.”
Her cheeks flush, though her expression remains hard. I’m proud of her. I know it was difficult for her to open up like this, and the fact that she did tells me that this topic is weighing heavily on her mind.
When Rowan first started talking about her marriage, babies were the first topic. Her husband wants them badly, she does not, although the why is still to be determined.
“Have you confronted him about this potential affair?”
“No.”
“What would be the first thing you would say if you did?”
“How dare you. That’s what I would say.” Her jaw clenches, unable to control the anger. “Loyalty is everything to me, and he knows that. In a world where so many bad things happen, having someone stand by you, especially in your worst moments, can be the difference between a good life and a bad one.”
“So this loops into what we were just talking about. Maybe you don’t want to leave Shepherd because of the high value you place on loyalty. The security Shepherd provides you—that you need—is rooted in loyalty. You feel a sense of loyalty to both him and to what he provides you.”
“Yes, I’d say that’s accurate.” A sour expression pulls her face. She tilts her head to the side. “Do you know what else I’m mad about?”
“What?”
“That he thinks I wouldn’t find out. I’m a freaking detective. It’s literally my job to identify and uncover clues, to solve mysteries.”
“So it feels like a slap in the face to what you love the most—your job.”
“I guess you could say that. Feels like he doesn’t even respect me enough to consider that I might find out.”
“Or is it maybe that he doesn’t care? Maybe he’s at that point in your marriage—he doesn’t care if you find out.”
Rowan looks at me, the implication tough for her to digest.
