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He shrugged off the blanked I had draped over him and crossed his arms, as if becoming impatient with my presence. His blunt dismissal was another blow to my chest that already felt like it was caving in.
“Look, Jack, I understand–”
“You understand?” The beautiful face that had been absent of emotion only moments before suddenly came alive with anger and bitterness. “You don’t understand shit, Ava,” he replied harshly. “I should have never started this,” he muttered, almost as if he was talking to himself.
I felt my stomach drop out and tears start to well in my eyes. “Are you breaking up with me?”
****
Chapter 34
Jack
My head was spinning, and I could barely look into Ava’s watery, pale-green eyes. All the things I’d been repressing came crashing down on me – my shitty parenting, my feelings for Ava, my predatory father, my fucked-up attitudes about sex.
A part of me couldn’t stand that I was hurting her, but a larger part of me, the part of me that felt sickened by her interaction with my father, the part of me that felt exposed and vulnerable, needed her to leave. Did I want to break up with her? I didn’t know, and in that moment, I didn’t care. I just needed to be alone.
Hearing her tell me that she understood, understood, how I was feeling filled me with rage. However, rage was a welcomed emotion compared to the others I was feeling. I just wanted to lash out and push her away.
“I don’t know, Ava. I just need to be alone,” I repeated dully.
Her hands came up to cover her face, as if she couldn’t look at me, and I felt this small space inside my heart collapse at the emotional damage I was inflicting, but I had no capacity to care about that, much less stop myself.
Ava rubbed at her face one more time and opened her mouth to say…something. She took one look at my expression which must have conveyed what I was feeling—empty, cold, angry, bitter—and closed her mouth.
She gave me a sad, slow nod and trudged back into the pool house. A part of me wanted to pull her back, apologize for being such an unbearable asshole and beg her to stay, but I couldn’t. My father showing up was like seeing yourself in the most unrelentingly hostile way, like an evil mirror that showed you everything about yourself you’d been avoiding.
I knew what he’d been doing, talking to Ava, touching her. When I came out and found his hand on her, her face filled with horrified anxiety, I nearly started swinging on him right then. I stopped because I knew how Ava’s family operated, knew she would freak out if she realized how fucked up my family really was. The sad reality was, it’s much more fucked up than she even realized.
Ava reappeared with her bag, and I hadn’t even moved, lost in a whirlwind of bullshit emotions I only wanted to escape from. She stood in front of me, staring at me as if I might relent and ask her to stay. My hand jerked with the need to wipe the tear that hovered on the tips of her eyelashes, but I couldn’t be around her, not now. And based on what she’d seen of my family, maybe not ever.
“Okay, I’m leaving,” Ava said, her slim shoulders drooping with resignation.
“Bye.” I was being such a dick.
Ava gave me another penetrating look, as if I had been possessed by some demon and the real me was buried in here somewhere. This is where she learned that this was the real me, or at least part of the real me. Better she learned sooner, rather than later.
She shook her head and turned to go. Watching her leave after I had done everything I could to push her away made my molars grind together, a lump of gravel sitting in my throat. Everything felt wrong, like I had a hundred spots on my body that itched but I couldn’t reach any of them. Hatred for my father, my family, and my history burned through me like a brushfire and now the only thing I wanted do was fucking forget all of it.
In the old days, if I got into a fight with my dad, I would immediately call some girl to fuck, but the thought of that left a sour taste in my mouth. For as much as I demanded that Ava leave, and even implied that we’d broken up, I didn’t want anyone else.
Instead, I returned to the pool house, grabbed a nearly full bottle of vodka and started drinking.
****
Chapter 35
Ava
I walked into school, still in a daze even though my conversation with Jack was two days ago. Needless to say, I hadn’t heard from him. I called him a couple of times because I was truly concerned about him, but he never called back, and I had too much pride to continue reaching out to him.
I trudged to my locker, still trying to process what had happened. I spent most of the weekend crying but trying to hide it from my parents. I think they knew that Jack and I had a fight, but obviously not the extent of it. I hadn’t felt anywhere near this terrible when I’d broken up with Chad. I’d had felt mostly relief that it was over and irritation because he wouldn’t accept my decision. With Jack I felt—lost. I was shocked at how much of a void his absence created. It made me realize how much I had leaned on him, how much I missed his humor, his insight, his kisses, his presence—him.
I put my books in my locker, reflexively and surreptitiously searching for him amid the crowds in the hallway, but only finding stupid Mike and Casey posted up at their usual spot, right by my locker, lips locked. I don’t even think their lockers were in this wing, so I was unsure why they chose this spot to make out, but they were dedicated to it. They were here every morning.
Rolling my eyes, I shut my locker and slowly plodded to my next class. Maybe Jack would be okay today. Maybe he just needed some time apart, time to pull himself together after that incredibly creepy scene with his father. His father had been making some pretty disturbing insinuations, insinuations that made me all the more eager to talk to Jack.
I knew I’d see him in chemistry today, so that would be the test. If he approached me, I would give him a chance to apologize to me. If not, I didn’t know what my next move would be.
