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He might not have been ready to be a dad. But I don’t know if it’s fair that I’ve assumed he’d have been a bad one.
Because as I watch Rex and Leo building this Lego set from the next room, listening to the way they negotiate the pieces and the moments they talk about life and the way they can make each other laugh…
It’s clear I’ve made a mistake.
“A piece of him,” my mother says in Spanish, her hand on my shoulder.
I don’t shrug her off the way I have so many times when she’s mentioned Rex. The mentions are sparing over the years because she knows how it upsets me. “A man deserves the opportunity to become a father,” she told me. And when I’d inevitably blow up at her, she’d add, “You know what’s best.”
I’m supposed to know what’s best as Leo’s mother.
No one tells you that as a mother, you never know anything. You’re just flying by the seat of your pants at every turn.
I turn my attention to the clock. It’s going on five. That was the time frame we agreed on. Three to five. More than enough and yet nothing at all. I slip out of the fond touch of my mother and head into the living room. “Hey, guys…”
Leo’s head bobs up first. Rex is too focused on trying to pry two Legos apart, his tongue pressed into the corner of his mouth.
“It’s not time, is it?” Leo asks, his eyebrows tightening at the center.
I smile. “I’m afraid it’s time to get ready for dinner, carino.”
The Legos between Rex’s fingers finally split apart, one flying across the room and landing right at my foot. He smiles sheepishly. “They really don’t make these pieces for adult fingers.”
I try to ignore the way he wriggles his long fingers in the air. Reminds me of his guitar playing, and reminds me of some other playing too.
“Can he stay?” Leo whines. “Can Rex –” He looks back at Rex with desperation. “Can you stay for dinner?”
Rex’s face splits with terror that is very familiar to me. The kind you get as a parent when you don’t want to disappoint your kid, but you know you can’t say yes.
“Another time, Leo,” I say and go over to the table, reaching for my son’s hand.
Leo jerks his hand away before I can grab it and goes to Rex, leaning on his arm, trying to get close to his ear. “If you ask really nicely, she’ll say yes,” Leo says in an emphatic whisper that’s much too loud to be a whisper.
Rex awkwardly touches Leo on the shoulder. “Hey, kiddo, your mom’s right. We both knew the plan, right?”
My baby boy wilts. “But –“
“I’ll see you again, though. Soon,” Rex adds with a smile much more positive than the situation deserves.
“Mama says you travel a lot. When will you come back?”
Rex is frozen. Doesn’t know what to say. Could I have been right? Was he not the fatherhood type?
I sink down next to Leo. “Leo, honey, we’ll see him again, okay?”
His lips curl up like he might burst into tears. He droops forward, pressing his hands to his eyes. “Don’t cry,” he whispers to himself.
I open my mouth but don’t know what to say. Little boys learn this sort of thing early, even when moms and grandmothers tell them it’s okay to cry.
Rex and I exchange a look. I didn’t think the hardest part would be saying goodbye. I didn’t even think that far ahead.
Rex takes Leo’s small wrists in his hands and ducks his head down. “Hey, Leo, look at me.”
Hesitantly, Leo drops his hands from his now reddened eyes and looks at Rex.
“I’m gonna see you again. Okay? Really soon.”
“You promise?” Leo squeaks.
