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How dare he try to offer me forever when he didn’t have forever to give?
It’s not that I expected him to give up his whole life and career for a life in Ocotillo. But we’re older now. Wiser. I thought maybe with his wild oats sowed there was a possibility we could make it work.
I excused myself to the bathroom to do a bit of googling and sure enough, the first thing that came up about Rex was an article about the world tour set to kick off in three weeks.
Three fucking weeks.
How didn’t I know about this? Why didn’t he tell me?
A relationship as new as this one (if you can call it a relationship) can’t withstand a massive nine-month world tour.
I wasted about ten more minutes in the shiny marble bathroom looking at other search results, including pictures of the accident and a picture of us at the mall. A grainy photo, sure, but it’s us alright. With the headline: “A Rextrospective of Redford’s Relationship Timeline”. Dear God, journalists will do anything for a click these days. I sent off a screenshot to my co-worker Amina with a text, “Did you know about this?!”
She responded almost immediately saying she thought I knew.
Why would I know?
I’ve just been trying to live in the moment. Enjoy my life with my son and his father, a life I have never been able to have before now. One I’ve always deserved. Don’t I? I worked so hard for the job I wanted. I had a baby knowing it would complicate my life further. I stayed away from Rex because that was what I promised when he left when his help would have changed everything for us.
I deserve for things to be good. And easy.
Now, here I am, in the front seat of Rex’s rental car with Leo sleeping in the back seat. The radio goes in and out on the desert highway and we say nothing.
“Kicking off their world tour in Chicago in less than a month, the latest from Black Flame.”
Rex moves to change the station but I wave his hand away. “Leave it.”
“You sure?” he asks carefully.
“Leave it,” I repeat, because I don’t have other words right now.
I want to listen.
I want to hear.
To be reminded of the life he leads. The one without me.
The song begins. I’ve heard this song only a few times. It’s the latest single from the already-released album, the one I haven’t gotten a chance to listen through all the way. I’m a fool for not thinking he’d be going on tour soon. New albums mean tours. It’s a given.
It's a slower song. By no means a ballad, but it swoons rather than drives.
Rex’s voice comes through the speakers. Aching and melancholy. More mature than it was five years ago.
I listen intently. To every beat. To every lyric.
“If you ask me if I think of her, I wouldn’t tell a lie. If she walked in tomorrow, I’d have to say goodbye…”
I grip the edge of my seat the rest of the way home. Surely I’m in this song. In his heart, in his mind. Always attached by a spiritual umbilical cord.
Goosebumps prick across my skin and I shoot a look at Rex. He looks away quickly, eyes on the road.
I can’t help but wonder why I allowed him to do this to me again. Let me fall only to be snatched out of the air when I was halfway to crashing.
But Isabella Maria Delgado doesn’t crash. I keep my feet on the ground.
I take a peek in the rearview mirror. Leo is sound asleep, his hair ruffled, mouth lolled open. I wouldn’t have him without Rex. Maybe that will help me let him down easy.
The song finishes just as we pull up to the house. I texted my mother to be out waiting for us so she could grab Leo and I could talk to Rex. And, as planned, she’s on the front porch with one of her latest projects. Knitting or crocheting or something.
