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“Blaze it!” I yell into the mic. A corny catchphrase we’ve always used for Blaise’s solos.
The rest of us quit our playing as Blaise takes over with a thunderous beat. I release the grip on my guitar, let it hang around my neck, and turn to retreat from center stage, but glance into the wings again and find myself frozen in place.
If I’m hallucinating, it’s a really good hallucination. Because Isabella’s still there in the wings with Leo. Leo sees me looking and holds up both hands, wiggling his fingers at me. He’s wearing a pair of over-ear headphones and he has a huge smile plastered on his face. My heart swells.
Is it crazy to say I’ve pictured this? One day, my kid getting to watch me from backstage, wearing those stupid headphones to protect his little ears while the woman I love looks on… proudly?
I start to turn away.
It can’t be real. It’s not possible.
Apollo blocks my way. “Where you going?” he asks.
I suck in breath. “I’m not feeling good. Something’s wrong with my head.”
My friend grins, grabs my shoulders, and spins me around. “Nothing’s wrong with your fucking head.”
“No, that’s not – she doesn’t want to see me, she’s –”
“She’s right there, dude,” Apollo says.
From behind his keyboard, Holden is grinning mischievously. And Blaise isn’t doing his usual rip-roaring solo. He’s playing an idling series of beats. I look at the drummer and his focus is on me. Not lost in the music.
I let myself smile at Isabella and Leo. I hold up a hand and wave.
Leo clings to her neck and laughs, his head fitting into the perfect swoop of her neck and shoulder.
“Tell her how you feel,” Apollo says.
Before I can reply, I am shoved back up to the mic and I am reminded of the thousands of people who have just been watching me having quiet conversations about losing my mind right in front of them when they should be raging out of their minds. I can’t see their faces, but I know they must be confused.
“I just found out some people are here that I didn’t know were here and I…” I say into the mic. I don’t like the way my real voice sounds in the mic. Not my singing voice, not my “are you ready to rock” voice.
Just Rex being Rex. I’ve never felt Rex has been quite enough for anyone.
Except Isabella has never made me feel like that.
“And they’re two really special people,” I say, a grin spreading across my face. “Like the two most important people in the world to me.”
Blaise’s drumming has stopped and it’s just me and the mic. The quiet poise of the audience, waiting for when it’s their turn to understand and jump in.
“Some of you might have seen in the news I recently got married.”
There are some woops.
“Well, sorry to disappoint, but that’s not true.”
Again, more confused silence.
“It’s a long story,” I say and then laugh at myself. “Another time…” I glance offstage and feel myself smiling, really smiling for the first time in a long time.
Isabella’s leaning her head against Leo’s. She’s wearing a beautiful orange dress. The kind of dress a woman wears when you take her out on a nice date, not a rock concert. It is somehow the most perfect thing she could wear.
“You see, being a rockstar is great, but it’s also shit a lot of the time. So much time on the road. Away from home. Makes a person lonely.”
The young female fans in the crowd “aww” at my pain.
“I’ve met so many wonderful people since Black Flame hit the scene. Amazing fans, crew members, fellow musicians. I’ve had a lot of amazing experiences.” My heart presses on the back of my tongue. “None of them have ever compared to a woman I met five years ago, before all…” I gesture to the set behind me and all the fans. “This.”
