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She’d settled into the sand next to my boot, wings folded and little talons tucked in beneath her body, watching me with dark eyes that almost seemed to contain a glimmer of sympathy. That only deepened the pit in my stomach. If evenAlyrawas feeling sorry for me, I had to be a bigger mess than I had realised.
‘I fucked up, didn’t I?’ I muttered to her, resting my chin on my knees.
That was true, the tilt of her small white head admitted, but then again, I had been trying my best, fae were so very dramatic about these things, and the weight of the world on my shoulders was a fine reason for the occasional lapse in judgement.
I groaned, rubbing my face. ‘You’re starting to sound like Lyn.’
Lyn was small and winged, my thoughts informed me through whatever mental bond existed between us, and therefore an excellent advisor to follow on most occasions. Had I considered just waiting for her to solve everything?
‘I’m not even sure she can solve her own problems,’ I said bleakly. ‘Let alone mine.’
Alyra ruffled her feathers, a gesture much like a shrug, and gently rested the side of her little head against my boot as she waited for my thoughts to unfold. Before me, half of the sun had already vanished behind that thin outline of the continent, and coppery flames danced over the sea and the sky. Too much beauty – far too much beauty – for this miserable night of anger and heartbreak.
‘I can’t lose him,’ I whispered.
A certainty, and yet it wasn’t a comfort. Because if I wanted Creon – and hell take me, Ididwant him – that meant the time for careful manoeuvring was over. No more diplomatic little lies. No more strategic distance. I would be his for the entire damn world to see, and if that meant pissing off people we couldn’t do without, if that meant ruining my friends’ love lives and losing the home I’d created for myself in this world of wolves against wolves … Well, those would have to be the natural consequences.
Could I live with so much selfishness?
But what was my alternative – to stop wanting him? I gave myself one painful heartbeat to contemplate the option, to imagine my world without him in it, or worse, to imagine my world with him in it, but not asmine.
Even a flash of that thought made me feel like committing bloody murder.
Which meant I had to anger people. Which meant I was not, after all, good enough to do what my friends and allies and humanity needed me to do – which meant Valter and Editta may just have been right when they suspected, young as I had been, that I would one day be the death of them. Which meant—
‘Emelin!’
My head snapped up, my heart in my throat.
Naxi came hurrying towards me over the dusky beach, tiptoeing so lightly that she left no footprints behind in the sand. Her blonde hair fluttered wildly around her face in the sea breeze, and so did her flowery pink skirts, a sweetness that did not fit the rugged, serene beauty of the Cobalt Court in the slightest.
‘What’s the matter?’ I said, alarmed. Shehadto know she wasn’t disturbing me at the most tactful moment. Had something happened with Lyn and Tared? With Creon?
‘Oh, don’t panic,’ she said with a chuckle, dancing the last steps towards me and shaking her hair out of her face. ‘Very sorry to interrupt your wallowing, but we just saw a small flock of fae arrive at the other side of the island. Something needs to be done about them.’
‘Oh. Right.’ My stomach sank.Something.I’d have to go after them with Creon, then – more death, more bloodshed, and I hadn't even figured out what I was going to say to him. ‘How many of them?’
She shrugged. ‘About thirty.’
That suggested they weren’t here for us – the Mother would have sent a larger force, after what had happened to the Sun fleet. I hauled myself to my feet with a suppressed groan, picked Alyra up, and settled her on my shoulder.
‘That should be doable, shouldn’t it?’ I said slowly, attempting to give the impression I had even a tenth of a brain left to devote to this newest complication.
‘Should be,’ Naxi said brightly, and I recalled with a shiver what Creon had said.Very little empathy.‘The important thing is that none of them escape.’
Because even one fae getting away could tell the Mother we had been spotted around the Cobalt Court, and she might just react to that news by simply destroying the bindings before we could get our hands on them.
‘Right,’ I said, bracing myself. ‘Does that mean we’re going after them with our full company?’
She gave me a knowing grin. ‘Not excited?’
There seemed to be no need to answer; she knew very well that my level of excitement lay far below zero. Nonetheless … She might well be the only truly unbiased member of the group I had left at this point, and even if her rules forbade her from telling me much, she might be able to help me just a little.
I cleared my throat as we walked across the beach, a straight line to the entrance of the cave, where Creon and Beyla now stood ignoring each other. ‘Naxi?’
‘Hm?’ She sounded amused.
‘I just wanted to ask – Tared and Lyn …’
