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‘If I remember this too well,’ I said hoarsely, ‘I may just run off with you in two days and decide never to fight a single battle again.’
Sleep on it, Em.The joyless smile that grazed his lips didn’t betray what he thought of that confession – if he’d even agree to give up on a fight for which he’d spent a hundred and thirty years torturing himself.Figure out what your options are. And then …He interrupted himself, tenderly tucking a loose brown lock behind my ear. His fingers hesitated one last moment before he continued.Then stop avoiding decisions. Stop avoiding yourself.
Chapter 13
Isnuckbackintothe maze of Zera’s temple on my own, as presentable as I could manage, and was promptly found by an agitated Tared who wanted to know where in Orin’s name I’d been hiding for the past twenty minutes.
None of your damn concern, I wanted to say.
But I knew the conclusions he’d draw from that – conclusions that wouldn’t improve the relations among our travel company in the slightest. Decisions, indeed, so many choices to make, and with my mind still spinning from these few minutes of respite, I was no longer even sure what the options were.
Was I supposed to choose between love or victory?
Do you have any idea what this does to me, Em?
But Creon wasn’t near enough to hear me right now, and I needed a little time to think before I gave Tared reason to valiantly murder my lover over my honour. So I hunched up my shoulders and grumbled, ‘I thought it was clear I wanted some time alone?’
His shoulders loosened a fraction at the wordalone. ‘In a potentially murderous temple?’
‘Well,’ I said, snorting, ‘my alternative was a potentially murderous forest.’
He sighed, grabbed my arm, and faded me into the smothering warmth of the kitchen I’d fled mere minutes ago. The room was deserted now; someone had finished the meal Creon had been cooking, but the plates on the table were still clean. I wasn’t hungry in the slightest. Even the scent of warm spices made my stomach turn, the rush of my quick escape still far too urgent to leave room for any other bodily needs.
Tared released me and stalked to the table, scribbling down two words on a piece of scrap parchment Lyn must have left behind. Only then did he say, ‘Creon didn’t find you?’
‘Clearly he didn’t,’ I said, rolling my eyes. ‘If he had, you’d never have found me, because he’d have dragged me off to his hidden den of iniquity and—’
‘Em.’ Not the moment for fooling around, that hint of whetted steel in his level voice told me. ‘I just spent half an hour fearing for your life, and I’m still not sure about the state of your sanity – so could we skip the cleverness for a bit? Where is he?’
‘I have no idea!’ That was true, at least; I didn’t even know if he’d stayed in the temple after he opened the doorway for me again, or if he’d flown off and left it to Naxi to maintain the demon shield keeping our company safe. ‘I just sat in a prayer hall for a bit and tried to make sense of the world, Tared. And could you stop treating me like an idiot, please?’
He parted his lips, then seemed to think better of it and shut his mouth again, watching me for two, three heartbeats in doubtful silence. Outside, far away, I heard what I thought might be Naxi’s voice. Did even she think I had been in danger, on my own in Zera’s temple, or had she simply joined the search because everyone else had?
Tared abruptly released a breath, shook his sword off his shoulders, and threw it onto the table with uncharacteristic carelessness. ‘I’m worried sick about you, Em.’
My heart skipped a beat. Not what I’d expected him to say. ‘How many times do I have to tell you I’m—’
‘Fine?’ he finished, his voice dripping with wry scepticism. ‘We’re walking on ground no living creature has seen in centuries, you’re making grand discoveries of magical forests every other minute, and yet I haven’t seen you smile in days. I may not be a demon, but you seem to forget I’m not blind, either.’
Not blind, and yet just too blind to realise the full extent of what was happening … Thatwasgenuine concern in his steel grey eyes, enough of it to know that Agenor’s note on the phoenixes was not the first trigger by far.
Something twisted painfully below my heart, a feeling dangerously close to guilt.
‘Right,’ I muttered, averting my gaze. A pressing headache was building behind my eyes, my thoughts slowly caving in under the weight of a thousand possible options.When the world looks at you and sees a weapon– but that was not what Tared did, was it? That was not what Lyn or Agenor did? ‘Didn’t realise. I’m sorry.’
He sighed. ‘Do you want to talk?’
I shook my head.
‘Do you want to talk with someone else?’
I managed a laugh. ‘Maybe later.’
‘As you wish.’ There was very little relief in his voice. ‘Anything else we can do for you? Food? Tea? Some noses to break?’
Gods damn him, did he have to be so …decent? The world had seemed crystal clear mere minutes ago, my priorities an orderly list with Creon at the very top of them – but would the alf male before me still be offering me sacrificial noses if he had the faintest idea what I’d truly been up to in the past few minutes?
You’re muzzling yourself.
