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He knew I’d do worse to keep him alive, didn’t he?
Hell,hewould do much, much worse to keep the world from harming so much as a hair on my head – so why was he glaring at me like that, like I’d been ridiculous to suggest maybe he shouldn’t throw his life away for unsurprising intelligence?Somethingwas off, and it was no longer just the unanswered question of his reckless motivations. He wouldn’t argue so harshly and make me feel like an idiot over nothing. He wouldn’t push himself to the edge of anger over nothing.
Was he embarrassed he’d lost the fight? The Mother’s invincible prince of death, not so invincible after all?
But that didn’t make sense either. He’d been overpowered and outsmarted before – had nearly been killed by the Mother and put in chains by Agenor, and none of that had stopped him from being just as casually arrogant as before. So was it tiredness? Pain? Lingering frustration over my weeks of doubting and waffling?
All of that at once, perhaps?
And what was I supposed to say now?
I climbed off his lap, wrapping one of his blankets around my shoulders, hoping a little distance from his warm skin would bring clarity of mind. My head spun like a whirlwind. I could tell him I hadn't wanted any others to die, that we should simply have found a small fae outpost at the edges of the archipelago and conducted the experimentthere, rather than against a full army hungry for glory. I could tell him that he should at the very least have warned someone or made me come with him or put some rescue plan in place rather than staking his life on a few alves’ good intentions. And yet …
He had to know all of that. It was simply unthinkable that that scheming mind of his had not considered any of those alternatives before he charged mindlessly into a horde of fae.
So would any of those sensible points assuage him in the slightest, if I didn’t have a clue why he was ignoring them in the first place?
‘I didn’t mean to criticise you,’ I said cautiously, weighing every word. A safe start – but hell, I shouldn’tneedto tell him that.Hewas the one who always understood me long before I did.Hewas the one who loved my thorns and sharp edges – there should be no need for me to soften the message, to stroke his wounded pride. ‘You simply scared the hell out of me. And … and I suppose this is making me realise how much I’m dreading this war.’
‘Right.’ There was a tinge of heaviness in his voice, as if he, too, had not expected the sharpness of his last words. ‘I can see that.’
‘And I don’t want you to get hurt,’ I managed, my artificial calm cracking. ‘You do understand that, don’t you? That I really, really need you to stay alive through all of this?’
His shoulders loosened a fraction as he closed his eyes, and suddenly he looked far more like himself again. Gone was that strange, haunted tension in his features. Gone was thecramped way he’d held his wings against his shoulders, as if this conversation might turn into a deadly fight at the slightest unfortunate turn.
Was this a surprise to him?
None of this conversation made sense. Absolutely none of it did.
‘So …’ I started, evaluating my options with frantic thoughts. There was little chance I could make him see right now, in the heat of the moment, how utterly nonsensical he was being. A temporary compromise would have to suffice until I could get to the bottom of this. ‘Could you promise me you’ll try to let me know when you have to take any serious risks?Beforeyou do it? I promise I won’t try to stop you – I just prefer to be prepared when things might get dangerous for either of us. Alright?’
He looked so gods-damned unbreakable, perched on the edge of his bed like a perfectly sculpted statue come to life – inch upon inch of wiry tendons and rippling muscles, a weapon forged from living flesh and bone. And yet the crack in his voice was unmistakable as he averted his eyes, dark hair falling like a veil over his temples, and muttered, ‘I’ll try.’
‘Thank you.’ I poked him in the side with my foot, the one spot where I knew he was just a little ticklish. ‘To compensate, I promise I’ll take you along whenever I’m planning on doing anything stupid. Don’t want you to miss out on armies to decimate.’
That was his own laugh again – that husky, melodious sound I was still getting used to and had already started craving like an exotic but delicious delicacy. The fist around my heart unclenched a little. ‘I’m once again deeply grateful, Thenessa.’
‘As you should be,’ I informed him with mock-lightness, poking him again until he whipped around to slap my foot away. That inflammable agitation had mellowed from his face, thankthe gods … yet at the same time, where in hell had it gone so quickly? ‘Should we be off to lunch, then?’
He glanced at his own naked body, the planes of his chest and the carved lines of his abdomen luring the eye straight down to the magnificent, half-erect equipment below. ‘Are you sure you want me to appear at lunch like this, cactus?’
‘What? No!’ Gods, it was a relief to feel the outraged heat blossoming on my cheeks, to hear the triumph of his laughter again. Nothing wiped away my discomfort like this most familiar of routines, his effortless provocations, these challenges I couldn’t win no matter how hard I tried. ‘Will you think of my poor old father’s heart, for goodness’ sake?’
‘Your poor old father has seen worse from me,’ he dryly said as he rose and made for the closet. ‘Although he might take it more personally now.’
‘My bet is on the bread knife,’ I said.
He laughed. ‘My bet is on Coral. Which is a fine reason to get dressed, admittedly.’
And just like that, everything was as it should be again – as if those arrows had never bitten their way into his body. As if he’d never snapped at me so sharply. As if I’d just imagined it, the fear and the confusion, and there was nothing to worry about but phoenixes and Thysandra’s determined refusal to talk.
Still …
The unanswered questions lingered, a taunting whisper in the back of my mind. Someday he’d see sense, wouldn’t he? Someday, he’d talk?
And if I could do anything to help it, that day was coming sooner rather than later.
Chapter 9
