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“No, wait, shut up.” I held up my hand while I gathered my thoughts, daring him with my scowl to try interrupting. “So, what you’re saying is, I’m a distraction. You’re saying you lost tonight because of me. Not because you were playing like a baboon?”
Spencer went tense. His fists bunched at his sides. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Okay, then what?”
“I’m saying I was distracted. Up in my head. We started this thing without really thinking, not seeing what would happen if it didn’t work out. All I’m saying is, I let it distract me. I’m not blaming you, just?—”
Just dumping my ass. “So this is why you’ve been ghosting me? Why you’re suddenly busy?”
“I’m not suddenly busy. It’s the playoffs. You know that.”
I paced back and forth to let off some steam, but my rage kept building, fit to explode. “You’re just like them,” I said.
Spencer twitched. “Like who?”
“The douchebros at work. You’re exactly how they are. I thought you were a grownup, but?—”
“Now, hold on a second!”
“No! No, I won’t hold on. You’re going to listen.” I grabbed his arm to spin him around, but Spencer jerked loose like a petulant child. I didn’t care. He was still going to hear me. “That thing you’re doing right now, taking the blame, only we both know you really blame me? I knew you’d be a distraction. I should never have done this.” I mimicked his voice, his stupid, grave tone. “That’s exactly what Jim does when he knows he’s fucked up. Izzy pushed hard for this, but I should’ve gone with my gut. I was team leader. This is on me. Only, he knows it won’t be. It never is. He’ll get all the credit for trying to listen, and I’ll get called pushy. I’ll get the blame.”
“I wasn’t doing that.”
“Then what were you doing?”
Spencer turned to face me, but he didn’t meet my eyes. “I’m saying we’re both adults. We should’ve both known better. These friends-with-benefits things never work out. One person always—” He shut his mouth fast.
“Always what?”
“I don’t know, Izzy. I fucked up, okay? I know it sounds like I’m blaming you, like I’m doing Jim’s thing, but I didn’t mean you distracted me. I meant I’m distracted. I got all caught up in this dumb superstition, and I dragged you into it?—”
“Like I had no say?” I flung my hands in the air. “You really are a douche, aren’t you?”
Spencer pressed on his temples like he had a headache. My stomach was churning, my guts tied in knots.
“Let me tell you what I see.” I swallowed back bile. “I see a grown man throwing a toddler-sized tantrum. You lost your game, but you can’t just have lost it. You couldn’t have had an off night and not played your best. The other team couldn’t have played better than you. You needed a target, so you picked on me, and you’re using your crap night as a pretext to dump me. Well, fine. Go ahead. I’m dumped. We’re over.”
Spencer gave me this look like I’d just kicked a puppy. “Is that what you want?”
It wasn’t, and I couldn’t tell him it was. I couldn’t lie to him, even like this. I rubbed at my stomach to ease my discomfort.
“I’ll tell you what’s happening,” I said instead. “I got a new job, and I’m moving out. You’re getting your wish. No more distractions.”
Spencer stared at me. “Where are you moving?”
“Downtown. And, Spencer…” I licked my lips. Swallowed. I had to tell him. But it felt all wrong doing it tonight. This kind of news was supposed to be joyful, even when the timing wasn’t ideal. I didn’t want to deny Spencer what I’d had, that moment in the bathroom when I knew it was real. I’d felt happy in that moment. Strong. Optimistic. Would Spencer feel any of that if I told him right now?
“You don’t have to say it,” he said.
I frowned. “Say what?”
“Whatever you were going to say. ‘Let’s still be friends.’ I mean, obviously we’ll always… we won’t not be friends. It might take a while, but we’ve always been friends.”
He sounded so hopeful it made me feel bad, like maybe I’d missed something. Misunderstood. Like I hadn’t just heard him call me a distraction. But my nausea was rising, my anger ebbing away, leaving nothing but sadness in its wake.
“Of course we’ll be friends,” I said. “I’m going to Lola’s.”
“You’re leaving tonight?”
