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”I hurt your feelings just now, didn’t I?” he rasps and his eyes are dark with so much concern for my wellbeing that I feel the air constrict. ”I could see it in your eyes that I did.”
My gaze lowers. ”Why do you have to look so close?” I whisper.
”I’m a photographer. I know how to spot the details everybody else overlooks.”
I swallow when his words hit me straight in the heart. He really does understand how I feel and I never knew how wonderful it feels to be understood by a man. ”Then you are coming to my graduation?”
He shakes his head. ”I think it’s best if I don’t. It’s not my place.” His face suddenly turns angry as if he’s furious with himself more than me. ”Even if you have trapped me between those long legs of yours…”
”Oh Phil…,” I breathe, thrilled that he confessed but he whips around and walks away. He gives me one last possessive glance over his shoulder and in my heart I know that I’ll follow that man anywhere. Especially to his bed.
5.
Philip
One week has passed since I last saw Denise. Her graduation is today and I think of her going up on that stage, looking over the crowd, hoping I’ll be there but I won’t. I’m in the darkroom, developing photos. This is my favourite place in the world. The only place where I can hear myself think and I’ve never thought about a woman while in here before, but now all I can think about is Denise.
Sweet, beautiful Denise. Denise who made me a scrapbook, Denise who ran into an alley and looked as if she was ready to burst into tears when I told her I wasn’t her daddy. Denise who is so much younger than me that I feel like a creep for lusting after her. But I can’t stop. I’m wired to enjoy her, wired to think about spreading her legs and filling her up until she cries the melancholic tears of girlhood when I make her a woman The thought is indecent but it doesn’t stop me from thinking it. And I think about the two of us together, my veiny body on top of her silky one. A muscle ticks in my jaw.
I’m a mess.
I’ve canceled all the appointments I’ve had this week, been unable to both sleep, eat and breathe because all I’ve been thinking about is her. I hear her voice in my head when she’s not here and sometimes it’s like I see her from the corner of my eye, but when I turn around there’s nobody there. I’m imagining her. Just like a lunatic.
Either the chemicals in this darkroom have finally gotten to me, or it’s all because of her.
My hands clench around the counter. Sweat tickles my brow. I close my eyes, imagining Denise right now. I imagine yanking her off the stage, dragging her off to some dark corner and fucking her little body with all the pent up energy I have in mine. Gritting my teeth, I begin to squirm. Her pathetic, little moans seem to ring in my ears and I think about how careful I’ll have to be with her. She can’t have much experience, at least I hope she doesn’t. It would kill me if she has accepted guy after guy into her body.
It would in fact infuriate me.
Anger flares in me, even though I know I’m mind-fucking myself but the anger is there and it’s not going anywhere. I whirl around, glaring at the photo’s I’ve hung up on a piece of string. They’re all of Denise. She’s staring at me with her large eyes, her perfect face and body taunting me and I think about her with someone else. It makes me want to consume her. Stuff myself full of her and the passion grows until I can’t contain it anymore. I rip a photograph down and press it against my lips. Crazed, I make out with it and moan but it doesn’t do enough. I crumple it, shove it into my mouth. I chew on it, wanting to swallow it and I do the same with the other one. Shove it right into my mouth in an attempt to absorb something so out of my reach, that it makes me sick with longing.
Fuck.
This isn’t doing anything. It only makes the hunger worse and I kick open the door to the darkroom. In the mirror on the wall, I catch my own reflection and I don’t recognize myself. My eyes are glassy, there’s an abnormally large erection down my pants and my cheeks are stuffed, making me look like a demented chipmunk that needs to mate before he explodes. I spit out the pieces of the photo, then brush off my mouth.
I need to get a grip.
My behavior makes me fear for both Denise and myself. I drag a hand through my hair, trying to regain the image as the respectable photographer. Glancing at the clock, I let out a sigh. If I leave now, I’ll still have time to catch her. I shouldn’t but I get in my car and drive to her school. I sit in the crowd, watch her walk up on stage and accept her diploma. She’s smiling but her eyes look lost…until they land on me and then they flare.
Swaying, she stares at me before snatching the diploma and flies down from the stage. She runs past her mom who’s standing up, ready for a hug and runs straight toward me. Automatically, I open up my arms and she jumps into them, wrapping her legs around my waist.
”You came,” she whispers, her eyes fleeing over my face with the desperation of someone that has chased this their whole life. ”You came.”
”I couldn’t stay away,” I whisper. ”If only you knew…”
”What?”
”What’s been going on with me,” I grit. ”How I’ve been feeling, how much I’ve been thinking about you.”
Her eyes glimmer. ”Kiss me,” she whispers but I shake my head. ”Take my mouth. Take it. I’m yours, Phil…” she whimpers.
”Not here!” I put her down and she stares at me as if she didn’t just talk like a siren to me just now. I’m furious that she nearly had me doing exactly what she wanted right here and right now, but then I realize what she just said. Heat floods me. ”Oh sweetheart,” I groan, ”I was hoping…”
But I trail off when I see Ellen walking toward us. Fuck. I’m thinking she’ll start asking angry questions but she just hugs Denise, then elbows me.
”Good thinking coming here tonight,” she says from the corner of her mouth. ”And thanks for putting so much effort into this. I know you’d much rather be elsewhere.”
”Not a problem,” I mutter, but on the inside I’m torn. I almost forgot there’s a task I need to complete. And looking at Denise’s trusting face, I feel a flash of guilt. She has no idea we’re going behind her back. But this is for her own good. I just hope she realizes it too.
