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Is that how she saw it?
“The worst thing is when your child is in pain and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’d gladly take their place, but you can’t. You can only wear a smile for them and tell them things will get better. Then hope with all your heart that they will.”
I lift my mug to take a sip of coffee. The warm liquid, not too sweet and not too bitter, trickles down my throat. I guess coffee feels nice at times like this.
“Then again, even when your children aren’t sick, you still have to be strong for them,” Sally goes on. “You tell yourself you’re not tired, that you don’t need things. You put on a smile even when you’re lonely. You try to make everything look easy.”
I think my mother was like that.
“But it’s hard. You have to give up so much. You have to put their needs before your own. You worry about whether or not you’re doing enough. You complain about them depending on you for everything but you dread the day when they leave and stop depending on you for anything.” Sally lets out a sigh. “They say mothers are superheroes, and I think that’s true. Sometimes I wonder how we do it. The only answer I can think of is love. The reason we can be strong is because we’re doing it for our children who we’ve loved from the moment they were born, even before. If they were someone else’s children, we probably wouldn’t be able to do it. I know I wouldn’t.”
I stare at the coffee in my mug as I ponder Sally’s words. They’re an echo of what I’ve been thinking lately – that I’m not fit to be Lara’s mother. These past few days have made me painfully aware of it.
“Of course, I love Lara,” Sally adds as she glances at the bassinet. “What I’m saying is that there are some things only a mother can do.”
I know that now. I thought I could take good care of Lara and give her everything she needs, but I can’t. I don’t have the confidence or the heart. Sure, I care about Lara. I thought I loved her, but it’s more of me just finding her adorable, liking having her around, wanting to make her happy and drawing joy from her smile, me wanting to help her because she’s so helpless. I don’t feel the things Sally just told me about. I don’t think I can give up my own life for her. And she deserves that.
Lara deserves a mother, her mother, which means I have to tell Antonio the truth.
“Triss?” Sally gives me a questioning look. “You’re still with me, right?”
I nod and set down my mug. “I have a question.”
“What is it?”
“If you found out someone was keeping a secret from you, would you get mad?”
Sally’s eyes narrow as she leans forward. “Wait a second. Are you pregnant?”
What?
“No,” I answer quickly.
At least, I don’t think I am.
Sally shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s too soon for that. So what is this? Did you find out Antonio’s keeping something from you? I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s no secret that he has secrets, some of which may turn out to be dark.”
Like that nightmare he had about getting shot.
“Anyway, to answer your question, if I found out someone was keeping a secret from me, my reaction would depend on the kind of secret and who that person was. If the secret didn’t concern me, I wouldn’t mind, but if it did, if I had the right to know it and he still kept it from me, I’d be mad regardless of his reasons, especially if that person was someone I trust.”
Just as I thought.
“But then if that person was close to me, if he was someone dear to me, I’d forgive him,” Sally adds. “I wouldn’t let a secret get in our way.”
So the question is: Am I dear enough to Antonio that he won’t push me away after finding out what I’ve kept from him?
I know he’s my husband, but we entered marriage like it was some sort of agreement, not because we were in love. Does Antonio love me? How important am I to him? Important enough to forgive even though the lie I’ve told is so big?
I told myself before that he’d probably understand, but now I’m not so sure. I’m scared. What if he regrets marrying me? What if he asks for a divorce?
I don’t want to lose him.
“Did I answer your question?” Sally asks me.
I give her a weak smile. “Yes. Thank you. And thanks for the coffee.”
I raise my mug before bringing it to my lips.
Truly, the coffee has given me some strength. I just wish it could give me the courage to do what I have to do, too.
