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My surroundings blurred, and I closed my eyes, unable to stop what was about to happen.
"Let go, let yourself go!"
Almost as if my body had been waiting for these words, my self-control shattered, and my primal instincts took over. All the energy in my womb contracted at once, only to shatter like a big bang with the scream of his name. Space and time disappeared; there was only me in all my facets and smallest particles, one with the universe. Torn to pieces to be reassembled, quivering and gasping. Held together by the man who gave me this unprecedented happiness. And all through his words alone. Or had it been more than just that?
He caressingly supported me, and each of his touches made me tremble again. I couldn't help but enjoy his closeness with my eyelids still closed. My rapid breathing and racing pulse were slow to calm down.
It took several minutes until all the pieces were back in place, and I could stand and was the master of my senses.
"That's exactly how I imagined it, back in the pavilion on the roof terrace of the Metropolitan Museum of Art," he whispered before hesitantly letting go of me and taking a step backward.
I turned to face him. There was pain in his golden irises.
"That's exactly what I wanted back then," I breathed. My hand was already raised to gently touch his cheek, but I still remembered that things had turned out differently. Zuri had appeared on the roof terrace, and Tanael had turned me down cold.
Disappointment and anger rose up in me at this memory. Not so much anger at the man who had caused me the pain I had felt back then, but at myself, because I had sworn to myself that it wouldn't happen to me again, that I wouldn't let myself be hurt again by him.
So, I reached out with my hand, which was supposed to be a gesture of tenderness. It flew out, smacking his cheek. He didn't react to the blow, almost like he had seen it coming.
"How could you, Tanael!" I shouted angrily. "I told you, no more games! Stop it and leave me alone! Do you hear me, you devil?"
His eyes widened, and I could literally hear the clink of breaking gold in them.
It wasn't fair to blame him for everything because I hadn't said no. I should have stopped him at his first words and left him alone, but I hadn't. I knew he would have respected my wishes.
But now I was standing here. Still a little weak on my feet from this breathtaking moment of ecstasy, intoxicated by feelings I would not have thought possible amid a brutal reality that did not allow for dreams.
Despair flowed freely through my body. How would I ever be able to stay away from him after this? Now that I wanted him even more than before. I felt close and connected to him. For so long, I had tried to ignore it all and focus on the feeling of safety: hate.
I resolutely put together all the memories of the moments when he had hurt me. His coldness, his lies, his actions.
The Angel of Death who had led Alex to the realm of the dead. The man who let me get close to him every time, only to push me away. The angel who kept me ignorant, which almost cost me my life. The god who took my family's memory and locked Edward up. The devil who made me feel like I was just one of his pieces on the giant board of his lies.
Where these aspects had previously weighed heavily, they no longer held their own on the whole scale.
Before me, I also saw the god who had been banished to the underworld out of love for a woman. The angel who had saved the lives of me, my friends, and my family. The devil who went to war for the women of my world. Merciless and compassionate at the same time. The man whom I was drawn to, indeed, to whom I seemed connected. Who I was not afraid of despite his sheer power. Who was so tender and somehow fragile while he held me protectively in his strong arms. He was the one with whom I wanted to share my happiness, sadness, sorrows, and joys.
And that was precisely what frightened me. I could have laughed out loud at this realization because I wasn't afraid of the devil himself but of my feelings for him.
My anger slowly ebbed away. Resigned, I looked down at the ground.
"I'm sorry for the slap," I apologized to Tanael, still standing silently. His posture reminded me of the moment I had seen him leaning against the mantelpiece with his wings open. The same exhaustion and hopelessness were on his serious face.
"This here..." I pointed my index finger alternately at him and myself. "This can't go on like this. You're with Zuri. I don't want to ruin anything."
My eyes fell on him. His head was tilted, and the gold of his irises seemed to pierce me.
"What do you want, Myrina?" he asked surprisingly gently. When had anyone ever asked me that? Never!
I want you, I thought. I wanted him, only him, both physically and mentally. My soul screamed his name. Even in my dreams, I was his and he was mine. He was supposed to take me, become one with me, and never let me go. He was my lover, my best friend, my partner, my universe.
That was what I really wanted. Him!
"I want you to leave me alone!" I said instead, and the lie felt like brimstone in my mouth, eating away at my tongue and tearing me apart inside.
Nevertheless, I held my head high, my eyes dry and my voice firm.
Tanael swallowed audibly.
