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Icould hear the gentle rhythm of Little John’s heart against my cheek. I was enfolded in his arms, his claim on me still strong even though night had passed and a gray morning cut into my red-rimmed eyes.
We had both been out all night.
I felt relaxed. At peace. When I moved, I grimaced from an achy, sore body.
For some reason, I recalled Maid Marian’s words from the river, when she told me about the control I had over these men. When she explained the things I would need to show to have “staying power.”
Looking up into John’s bearded face, I felt I had exhibited those things with aplomb. I smiled up at him and ran a gentle knuckle over his grizzled cheek.
His eyes fluttered open.
And Marian’s other words came crashing down around me: “Don’t steal the Merry Men from me.”
My smile faltered into a frown.
“What’s wrong, little star?” John asked, voice gravelly. “Regretting your choice already?”
I tried to twist the frown into a smile. “Of course not. I feel like a whole new person.”
“Is this new person someone you like?”
My brow stitched together. “I’m . . . not sure yet.”
He let out a hum and started to move his big body, which in turn moved me. He rose and lifted me with him, and then took me to the pond in front of us.
We sank to our knees and he began to wash the night—and himself—off my body. I closed my eyes and gave in to the chill of the water, waking me from my dazed sleep much quicker than I would have liked. My smile returned in earnest, my back to Little John, and he cared for me in that moment more than I thought possible from the big brute.
I wasn’t sure if he’d broken me. Or if this new Robin was someone I liked. In fact, I wasn’t sure of anything. Confusion rippled through me.
Robert’s voice clawed at me. “You’ve made a mistake, sister. You’ve undone yourself, opening yourself to pain and disappointment.”
I believed him. In that moment, with John’s rough hands caring for me, bathing me, showing me a side of him I hadn’t known, I believed my brother.
Because I knew this couldn’t last. The dreamlike morning was a fantasy. Once my logical mind returned, I saw this for what it was: a farce.
I’d fallen hard and quick. Little John and I had escaped into each other’s warmth to avoid the dastardly things we’d done. The horrors we had to live with.
I remembered he had killed a man not ten minutes before coming to me. Before claiming me, he had gutted Peter Fisher before my eyes. The squire’s blood still stained the backs of my thighs where John had held me aloft. Or was that my blood, from severing my maidenhood?
I was quiet as we bathed. We both were—lost in our thoughts. I wondered if his thoughts were cheerier; if he finally thought he had snagged me and found someone he could entrust and care for like he had with Imogen.
He’d told me he never loved a woman again after Imogen’s terrible death years ago. Is that still true?
Abruptly, my heartbeat quickened. My lungs burned, and I felt panicked. The trees around the pond spun.
So I walked away. Out of Little John’s reach, even as he coddled and washed me.
“Robin?” he asked in a queer tone. “Where are you going?”
I made it to the bank and kept walking, grabbing my clothes from the ground, quickly throwing them on. When I turned to him, leaving him looking stunning and confused with the water dripping from his body, I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said. “I need to think. Get some air.” Why do I feel so smothered suddenly?
He opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it and nodded firmly. He didn’t try to talk me out of it. Instead, he let me go.
I had felt free coming to the forest. Even captured by the Merry Men, they had shown me things I never would have seen living my stale, mundane life in Wilford.
Now that I had rolled in the dirt with Little John, I wasn’t sure if that freedom still existed. Could it be as short-lived as that? Have I sacrificed the liberty and self-realization I so desperately sought in exchange for protection and the lustful embrace of Little John?
I didn’t want that. I hadn’t yet explored my new life enough to be tied down so quickly to a man. God above, I’d never been tied down to a man. Now I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to.
