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CHAPTER 1
ELODIE
I look at my roommate and best friend with suspicion filling me. She’s acting off, and I don’t know why. If she’s having second thoughts about me going home with her for spring break, all she needs to do is tell me.
It’s not like I wanted to spend spring break at her home anyway. I’ve told her no every other time she’s invited me to go home with her. I never want to be a burden to someone. I spent far too much of my childhood feeling like I was an inconvenience.
I might be friends with Tilly, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to risk wearing out my welcome. Not with her. There’s far too much to lose. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had and is my roommate.
Not only do I risk our friendship, but our living arrangement. I need this apartment for the next few months, especially since I know Tilly is charging me far less rent than she should be.
I learned a long time ago not to be offended when people offer you kindness that could also be construed as charity, not when I need the break. I could let my pride get in the way and insist that I split the rent to our apartment right off campus evenly, but then I wouldn’t be able to afford living with her.
My scholarship doesn’t cover the dorms and that would just be another expense. Graduation is too damn close to rock the boat now.
“Tilly,” I pull her from her nervous pacing as she pretends to pack her bag. She whirls around and I swear that’s a hint of a glow in her eyes, but I shake it off because that’s not possible. “You know if you’ve changed your mind about me going home with you, all you have to do is tell me. Right? I get it, things change all the time. I won’t be offended at all.”
Her eyes widen in surprise as her words start to tumble from her lips, “No, no, no. It’s nothing like that. I promise.” I arch an eyebrow in challenge, and she puts her hands up in a placating manner. “If I didn’t want you to come then I wouldn’t have been bugging you about it for the last two years we’ve lived together.”
I roll my eyes and huff out a breath because she’s not wrong. She’s been a damn thorn in my side about going home with her. At first, I thought she simply felt bad for me after she found out that I’m an orphan who aged out of the foster care system, didn’t have family, and spent my break time at school working.
Accepting someone’s charity as kindness is something I can justify but allowing them to pity me is something else entirely. That is something my pride won’t allow.
I made it. I lived through some shit, and I didn’t even have it nearly as bad as other kids who are put into the system. I had some foster parents who weren’t great, but I was never abused. I had a roof over my head and enough food to get by. Sure, I wasn’t much more than the check they got, but it could have been so much worse.
It takes some effort, but I push those thoughts away and focus on Tilly. She’s gnawing on her bottom lip as if she’s nervous. When she notices me watching her, she stops, squares her shoulders, and stands at her full height which is a few inches taller than my 5’6” frame.
I’m struck, again, with how gorgeous Tilly is. She’s blonde and curvy in all the right places while still being athletic. Then there are her eyes which can look like blue neon if the light hits them just right. I’ve also seen them darken to almost black when she’s been upset. When that’s happened it feels like a totally different person lurks under the surface of her skin.
It doesn’t make any sense, but that’s always the impression I’ve gotten.
Tilly grabs my hands and gives them a gentle squeeze. An air of authority swirls around her as she looks into my eyes. It has the hairs on my arms standing up and I find that I can’t ignore the power radiating off her.
“Seriously, I’m excited to take you home. The whole reason I’ve been trying to talk you into it for so long is because my gut is screaming at me that it’s the place you belong,” her voice is so earnest that I find myself hoping she’s right even though it makes no sense.
“What do you mean you feel like it’s the place I belong?” I can’t help the note of longing in my voice and I’m not sure I want to.
I’ve never belonged. Not since the moment I was left at a firehouse, I’ve been floating through life without a tether. It’s made finding real connections with people difficult because nothing has ever felt permanent.
The four years I’ve been at college are the closest I’ve gotten to setting down roots. Isn’t that just sad?
I’m technically an adult, but I’m still seeking the basic needs of my inner child. I know that it’s not uncommon for kids who grew up in the system which is what drove me to psychology as a major. My dream is to, someday, be able to help kids who grew up just like me.
“I can’t explain it to you.” Tilly winces knowing that I hate unanswered questions. She waves a hand dismissively after letting me go. “Maybe I’m just projecting because I want you to come home with me and have a good time for one of your breaks instead of spending the days off from class working.” My lips part to explain to her, again, why I don’t mind spending my break around campus, but she shakes her head. “I know why you do it, El, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. You deserve a break and to have a little fun. We’re about to graduate and you’ve never been on a trip for a break or anything. Think of it as a rite of passage.”
“Well, if everyone else is doing it,” I grumble defensively.
I know what she’s saying is true and that I should have some more fun while I can get away with it, but it’s difficult to turn the part of me off that is always looking at the next goal. That’s the part of me that has kept me going when everything in me wanted to give up. That’s the part that made it possible for me to see more in my future than living on the streets, or giving into being the broken shell of a person the people who found out about my past thought I should be.
Tilly barks out a laugh and I’m struck, again, at how she should really be somewhere modeling instead of here in college with me. That’s how stunning she is. I’m not unattractive, but sometimes she makes me feel like a slouch next to her. If she weren’t so kind, humble, and driven then she would be one of the mean girls who always made fun of me growing up because of my second-hand clothes, and how I never had anyone there to support me for events and ceremonies.
That’s all in my head though. There is not a single thing about Tilly which has made me feel bad about who I am or where I came from. I’ve never felt judged or liked she looks down on me.
Which is why she was able to finally get me to agree to go home with her after trying for years.
The thought of having a place to belong warms my heart, but I’m wary of whether or not it’s true. I’ve gotten used to not having somewhere that felt like home. Do I even need a place to belong? Can I continue through life the way I have been? It hasn’t been too bad, right?
“Sometimes the right thing to do is give into peer pressure,” Tilly jokes.
