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I found myself smiling even though it made no damn sense considering I should have been making an excuse to leave. Tilly had told me a lot about her brother since we started living together. She always described him as a fun guy who didn’t take things too seriously. That is not at all the man I had just met.
I swallowed hard and gently pulled away from Eleanor, the need to stand on my own two feet hitting me hard. “It’s fine, nothing to apologize for,” my voice was flat and devoid of any emotion.
No, all the emotions were inside of me swirling around like a damn feelings tornado. Eleanor was watching me closely. Even though I was trying to appear unaffected, I realized that I was still rubbing my chest right where a deep ache had settled.
It was awkward as hell in the living room, but it was also nice watching my best friend interact with her family. It was clear they’re close with each other. They also made sure to include me in their conversation. I didn’t feel like I was on the outside looking in on a perfect family vignette.
Even though Crew said that he would see us at dinner, he never showed up. It was strange to eat in a large dining hall in the mansion. We weren’t the only ones eating either. There were so many people eating with us that I was shocked.
A lot of people were staring at me throughout the meal, but the table we were sitting at wasn’t full even though most of the other tables were. No one approached the table where I sat with Tilly, her parents, and someone named Mayer and his wife, Ivy. It was kind of odd, but I only realized it after dinner was over.
Mayer and Ivy were very nice, but it felt like there was some sort of inside knowledge or joke they were in on. Maybe it’s just because they’re in a relationship, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was more.
Then there was the way they were both rather formal with me. It reminded me how the guard guy treated Tilly when we first arrived. I couldn’t make sense of it and the anticipation of Crew maybe showing up was already almost too much to deal with.
I did not sleep well last night. I wish it was just a matter of being in a new place with new sounds, but that hadn’t bothered me in years as long as I was safe. Sleep was a commodity that I couldn’t turn my nose up at.
When I was able to fall asleep, I found myself dreaming of a blue-eyed, blonde-haired man who looked remarkably like Crew. The difference was that he was very happy to see me in my dream. Happy as in popping a boner happy.
I’m just not feeling like getting up and heading down to the strange commune dining room for breakfast. At the same time, I’m kind of hoping they have pancakes to eat. I could destroy a stack of pancakes right now.
And I promised Tilly that I’d see her at breakfast.
Which is why we are heading downstairs after I found Tilly up, dressed, and ready to go when I knocked on her door. Was I hoping she wasn’t going to be so eager to head down to breakfast? And look so good while doing it while I’m feeling like roadkill? You better fucking believe it.
But you don’t always get what you want. Really, in my experience, you rarely get what you want.
“There are pancakes, right?” I blurt because I’m pretty sure that fluffy goodness is the only way to start out today.
Tilly throws her head back and laughs, but I can only frown in her direction since it wasn’t that funny. I don’t think. Maybe this is falling under one of those inside joke things that I’ve felt a little on the outside since arriving.
No one is doing it on purpose, but it does feel like I’m missing something all the time. I can’t imagine what the big secret could be. Considering I haven’t had anyone try and recruit me to worship at their leader’s feet I can say with some confidence that this isn’t a cult.
I sound a little defensive when I ask, “Do you all not eat pancakes or something?”
“Oh, we eat pancakes,” she assures me. When I give her a look that tells her she needs to spill she just shakes her head and gives me a mischievous look. “You’ll see.”
When we walk into the huge dining hall, I’m struck by how much food is out on the buffet line. Last night there weren’t options as far as dinner was concerned. I’m not sure why I figured breakfast would be similar but it’s not. The entire breakfast menu is out in front of me.
And there are definitely pancakes. I’m pretty sure I see more than one flavor of pancakes.
“Usually it’s plain and a fruit pancake, but the cooks know I’m back and chocolate chips are my favorite,” she tells me after following my gaze.
“Perfect,” I chirp and don’t waste time with the fruit section of the breakfast extravaganza. Maybe later, but I’m not going healthy from the start. Not after the night I had.
We’re not sitting at the table for more than ten minutes when Noah and Eleanor walk into the room. Both of them greet me with bright smiles. Eleanor adds on an exuberant wave, not giving a single fuck about who is watching. Noah watches his wife with adoration and love in his eyes.
Some of the other people eating breakfast tilt their heads slightly as the older couple heads toward the buffet. What is that about?
The conversation is light around the table when they join us and I’m more than a little happy about it. My thoughts are heavy enough, I don’t want any more attention brought to the way Crew reacted to me yesterday. I wish it were that easy to get it out of my mind.
The way he looked at me, the way he didn’t say a word or allow himself to be introduced to me, the way he stormed out like his ass was on fire has played on repeat in my mind so many times since yesterday that it’s ridiculous. The only good thing is that no one is privy to the replay of embarrassment and humiliation.
With three more bites of my pancakes left, they suddenly turn into a lead weight in my gut as Crew walks in. He has an easy smile on his face as he looks around the room, nodding and throwing some chin lifts around the room. While I try to rip my eyes away from him, I can’t.
He must be able to feel my eyes on him because he snaps his gaze to meet mine. My heart starts to pound in my chest so hard as something zings between us. It makes no fucking sense, but it’s like we’re connected.
That is not something I’ve ever believed in before.
