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My lids close, and I inhale deeply. Hesitation lingers in my fingers as I wrap them around the handle. When it swings open, I meet her dark eyes swimming with tears. I take a step back, gesturing her inside, then shut it before Giselle gets ideas.
She stands in the center of the living room with her back to me. I don’t even have to ask how she got up. Tony, the doorman, was given explicit instruction not to let her up unless she looked like a woman ready to stay. I can’t say she looks ready to stay, but there was no way he was turning her away. She’s a mess. Black makeup streams down her delicate face. Her hair sticks up in every direction. Lipstick is smeared across her face. And she’s missing a shoe.
In short, she looks fucking scary and deranged. And she just traveled through Manhattan looking like that. To come here.
It should mean something. It does mean something. But I don’t know what yet.
Even if I hadn’t seen her tear-stained face, her slumped shoulders and hung head tell me everything. She heard the recording. I wasn’t sure if Angel would give it to her after I left, though I should have.
But I’m not fool enough to believe she came here to apologize. She’s not the type to fall on her sword. Shame and regret may fill her, but she came here to fight.
When she turns to face me, I’m not disappointed. Her tear-filled eyes hold nothing but accusation. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth? The minute you found out, why didn’t you tell me?”
I lean against the wall, arms folded over my chest, meeting her angry glare with one of my own. “Because you wouldn’t have believed me.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to believe you?” Her hand slices through the air before slapping her chest. “That was for me to decide.”
I lift a brow and scoff. “Didn’t give you a chance? A choice? You’re joking, right? How many times did I beg you to hear me out? How many voicemails and texts have you ignored? Do you know how hard it was for me not to force you to listen? Even after I realized you weren’t going to hear me, much less believe me?”
Her chin juts despite more streams cascading from her eyes. “You should’ve told me, anyway. You should’ve forced me.”
I take a step forward, then another, until only a foot separates us. “What good would it have done me?”
“It would’ve created doubt!” Her teeth show like a feral cat.
“You should’ve had that in spades, Lily. I told you I didn’t cheat.”
“It was never about cheating!”
I roll my head, trying to get my temper in check. My teeth grind unless my jaw aches. And it doesn’t work. She’s spewing her venom, but I’m about to show her whose poison is deadly. “No, it can’t be about that, can it? Because that would make you the cheater, right? I mean, you’re the one who went home with a total fucking stranger and spread your legs for him. Or did he bend you over? You always have loved it from behind.” Her palm swings for my face, but I stop her before she connects, yanking her to my chest and leveling my eyes on her. “I gave you twice already tonight. You sure you want what happens if I give you three?”
She yanks against my grip. The steady trickle that’s flowed from her eyes since she walked in the door becomes a river. “I didn’t go fuck him.”
“And I haven’t fucked anyone but you in three years!” Her eyes get wide. Disbelief swims in the dark depths as her mouth falls open. “Not a single person, and when I thought I did, it made me sick.”
“No. We weren’t… Why would…”
I let go of her hand, taking her face between mine. “Because I love you, Lily. But all these months, I have blamed myself for what happened to us. I thought, maybe, you believed my bullshit about our ages, my job…” My lids close as I collect my thoughts—push myself to say what I know has to be said. “I always knew you took what I said about loving Krista out of context, so it’s really on me. I never clarified that I meant I would always love the little girl I shared lunch with and the girl who gave me Casey. Maybe I was using it to keep you at arm’s length. I don’t know. But I was—I am in love with you and have been since you walked naked into the ocean under the moonlight, but I realized tonight that while a big portion of the blame rests on me, it’s not entirely my fault. You have always had one foot out the door.”
Her head shakes fast. “N-no. No, I didn’t. I wa—”
“Yeah, baby, you did. I didn’t see it either for a long time. But it all replayed tonight. I saw it—every ultimatum, every time you tried to force my hand. It wasn’t because you wanted me to take us public. It was because you knew I wouldn’t. It was your defense mechanism when you started feeling too much, when you felt caged by all the emotions and feelings you didn’t trust. Mine. And yours.”
“No. No. That’s not… No!”
I bend at the knees until we are eye to eye. “Then tell me why you would say the one thing you knew would make me leave tonight? If you believed my bullshit and didn’t realize it was my fear that held me back, then why?”
“I-I’m so sorry. I don’t know why—”
“Yes, you do.” My eyes close once more as I inhale her scent. God help me I don’t know if what I’m about to do will fix us or break us. I open my eyes and gaze deep into hers, letting her see all of me. Letting her see how this is killing me. “I need you to go.”
Her face crumples. Desperate sobs wreck my heart. She latches onto my wrists as her head shakes so fast she sways on her feet. “No. No, no, no. Please don’t. I-I’m sorry. Liam, I didn’t mean it. I n-never m-meant any of it. I love you. I do. I do. I swear I do.”
“You are killing me, little flower,” I whisper as a single tear escapes my eye.
“Th-then pl-please don’t do this. Please.”
“I need you to go home, Lily. Take a hot bath. Let your emotions settle. Figure out what you want. If you decide it’s not me, it will fucking kill me, but I will let you go.”
