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“When I get ready and selfcare, I feel like I’m the most powerful person in the world.” Taking in her words, I leaned on the counter and waited. Digging in the shipment, she took a minute to analyze which one she liked the best. Finally picking it, she set it on the counter. “Found it! Only the best for the one who buys other books.”
“I wish I could buy more today, but I’ll be tight on cash for the next few weeks… maybe months.”
“Tim still not working?” she hissed, knowing my home life problems.
“No, and I’m trying to be hopeful, but I really feel like he doesn’t want to help keep us afloat, and he keeps ordering delivery food even though I don’t have the money for it. I broke his TV the other day, so he went out and put a new one on my credit card that doesn’t have much life left.”
“This is only a question out of love, but I am curious. Why keep him around?” She rang up my book. As she did, I listened to the little beeps each number made she punched in. Never wanting to ruin the covers, no stickers were added to keep their integrity. She also had a few computers that people could search a title and see the price online, or they could do it on their phone through her website.
Already leaning on the wooden surface, I clicked my nails with the hand that didn’t hold my face. “Lately, it’s been harder, but I keep reminding myself he’d been different before losing his job. Like maybe this is a depression, and I can’t leave my partner when he needs me most.”
“And what has he done to help this depression he’s in?” With a final click, the total rang up. “$13.77.”
“To be honest?” I chewed my lip and dug out my credit card, pondering what answer I could give that wouldn’t make Tim sound so horrible. Resigning to the knowledge of not having anything, I stuck my card into the holder. “Nothing. He hasn’t done any job searches, and he doesn’t clean up after his gaming mess of wrappers. I finally had to give him an ultimatum to change, but that was a few days ago, and he’s only walked to the gas station and back each day.”
“You’re tired, Mills.” She placed my book in a brown bag before taping the opening around the book to keep its shape.
“Aren’t we all?” I tried to rouse some humor, but it didn’t work.
“Um, sure? But most of us have something outside of work, helping our fathers with prison tasks, and being the new mother to our boyfriend.”
“You mean like friends?” I asked, and she nodded. “I have Kasey, you, and the book club!”
“Mills, you can always count me as a friend, and I like Kasey too, but those women in the club aren’t your friends. You don’t do anything besides books with them. Do they know your home life outside of you having a boyfriend?”
“No,” I breathed in reluctance.
“You need to get out and meet more like-minded people! There’s a whole world of them to connect with, but you have to put yourself out there to meet them too.”
“Actually, I’ve met two new people lately, and it felt so natural to talk to them.”
“But…” She knew something kept me away from them.
“But they’re men. I don’t feel like Tim would be okay with it.”
“Have you asked him?”
All thoughts of meeting Tony rushed back, and I remembered how Tim didn’t even give me the time of day with my words. “I tried to, but he didn’t listen. I just chalked it up to not doing it to respect him.”
“Every day, you should be having a conversation that enlightens you. One that makes you feel something within the marrow of your bones, and one that doesn’t read from a book. If you want to know a key ingredient into feeling your soul grow, it stems from intellectual conversations that root inside of you, blossoming into new ideas. That’s how I help keep my depression at bay, so maybe you should give it a try too.”
“Depressed? Me?” I nearly shuttered.
“Girl, I can’t even tell if you brushed your hair before pulling it back into a basic bun on your neck.” Touching my hair, I could feel what she meant because I didn’t brush it. Sleeping in for a few extra minutes, I went on a shorter run and pulled it back. Hell, I didn’t even shower after my run…
“I never thought I could be depressed because I get through my day still,” I murmured.
“Tell that to the rest of us. We just turn on autopilot to get through the day and shutdown at home. It’s a vicious cycle, so take care of yourself. Meet your needs. I do it through hair dye and shaving, but you’ll probably need something else to stimulate your soul.”
“Thank you, Astrid. I’ve really appreciated this talk.”
“Yeah, you can count this as your stim today, but you really should see where those other friendships can go too. Who cares what gender they are?”
“Even if one of them is an inmate?” I tempted the thought from what the other women said earlier.
“What’s he in for?” Her eyes narrowed over the bridge of her nose.
“Killing his sister’s rapist.”
