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"Have you picked the next one?" I perked up, ready for more.
She shook her head in answer. "No, but we're not meeting next week anyway, so I have time. Ava has a conference in Arizona, and my son's traveling soccer team has to go to Missouri."
"My son is also going to visit." Fran beamed. Patting my leg, she gave me a saucy wink. "If you were single, I'd set you up with him."
The darkness within me began to rise, reminding me of its existence. Ever since I spoke to my temptation more often than I should've, I tried to push away the guilt. Though, Tim had been putting me through the ringer lately. After his spending at the club, I didn't even know how to face him. Not that he even bothered to see my hurt. When I came home, he just kept playing on the TV I had to pay off still. After canceling the internet, he called his actual mom to send him some money. I also got a nasty text from her about failing her son. I ignored it.
With no progress for him to see reason, I couldn't help the hollow feeling in my chest as it blossomed from deep within my soul. What was I to do? I felt like I'd been letting him go for the last few months, and he only proved he didn't hold me in the same light anymore. Talking about the sexual trauma of the main character, I had been forced to see my own through her eyes. Mine came from lack of sexual attention, but it hurt on a level I didn't know how to express.
With the meeting coming to a close, I said my farewells and headed out to my car. They were all inside still chatting like a real group of friends, but I didn't feel like I fit in with them. Whether it be my mind isolating me or my intuition telling me what I needed to recognize, I knew this group didn't refill my cup the way the books we read did. They were just the avenue I took to reading them more openly in order to have healthier discussions about them, but Helena never made my thoughts feel healthy.
Could I be finally seeing I never fit into this world of theirs? But if I didn't fit, where could I go? My phone began to ring, jarring me from my thoughts as I squeaked my surprise. Seeing my father's name, the burden of my thoughts lessened, a smile replacing my frown. Breathing out in relief, I answered. "Dad."
"You okay?" He picked up on the unease in my current overwhelmed nature.
"Fine. I just finished book club and am heading home."
"You don't sound fine," he pressed me for more.
"I'm not sure I am?" I made my reply more of a question. Knowing he'd wait for me to finish speaking, I let out a long exhale. "I've been feeling stuck lately. The book group has differing views than mine, but they always make me feel like mine isn't okay. Then Tim..."
Cutting off my words there, I didn't want my father to think less of my partner. Studies showed it never helped a relationship to bash the partner to one's parents, but I couldn't call his mother about it. I'd never hear the end of her son being too perfect for a woman like me.
"Tim what?" he encouraged.
"I don't want you to think less of him because I'm upset," I answered honestly like he taught me to do.
"Sweetie, I am a man of intellectual thoughts and beliefs where communication is always key. If you don't want to tell me what's wrong there, I'll leave you with some insight, if you're open to hearing it."
"Of course, Dad." His ways were how I often made it through the harder parts. "I value your opinions."
"When it comes to relationships, you have to ask what isn't working? Is it something that can be expressed and addressed, or is it something that isn't being heard? One is healthy while the other leads to a path of resentment."
My heart hurt, aching deeper than the ocean abyss, tossing my soul to the sea for it to be devoured. His simple reasoning pointed out my flaws, and I began to cry just a little. "But what if it's the second option during a hard time?"
Sniffling, I wiped my nose and tried to blink away the tears as I sat in Helena's driveway, observing their healthier interaction without my presence. My dad took a minute to speak. "I wish you'd tell me more, but I'm replying based on what I know. Tim has been out of work too long, Millie. He is showing his true colors, so if he's doing something else to hurt you while being a bum, you need to take a step back and analyze if there's anything good left. Does he give you something that makes it hard to let go, or is it your sense of fear of being alone? Do you not want a failed relationship?"
A troubling storm of truth hit when he said the options. There was nothing about Tim that made him worth keeping anymore. I'd been holding onto something that died a long time ago. My father could pick up on my silence, understanding me more than anyone else outside of Kasey.
"If it is the last two, I just want to remind you that some relationships aren't meant to last. They're meant to teach. You don't have to answer this part, but what have you learned from your relationship?" What hadn't I learned? Porn addiction made me unworthy to touch. No matter how much I made, it wouldn't be enough. He heard the answer in my quiet thoughts. "I support you, sweetie. You do what needs done to set your soul free. The right person will hear your sorrows and try anything to fix them from hating your sadness."
"Thanks, Dad." My voice broke as I tried to see through my teary eyes.
"As for your reading group, you don't have to go. They make online ones these days. You might find more like-minded people in those than you will in person."
Closing my eyes, I hated facing hard facts. More importantly, I hated the confrontation. I hated people putting me in this position even more. "I'd rather up and run away," I halfheartedly joked.
"Ah, the idea of a quiet beach is one I escape to as well, but it never gives us what we truly need in the end. Without closure, things begin to fester. No healing for a soul still bleeding."
"I love you, Dad."
"You too, kiddo. I'll let you go, but just remember that I'll always be on your side when you need me." He hung up, making me feel like I won the lottery in having the perfect parent. Sadly, I didn't win in the other aspects of my life. Well, aside from Kasey being my best friend.
twenty-six
Costas
The smell in this repugnant place had me holding my breath. It wasn't the wafting smoke that bothered me so much, but a lingering smell of something else embedded into the building the strip club had been placed in. It made me wonder how sanitary a building like this truly could be and if the workers were clean themselves. Though, the amount of men who came in didn't seem to care one way or the other.
