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“Antonio. Antonio Russi,” I gave her my real name.
A delicate smile with closed lips graced me. “Emilia Carmichael.”
Getting up, I stretched for a minute then began running the loop around the river. Needing to clear my head, this new fog inside of it didn’t care it might make me blind to those who would seek harm against me. If I didn’t run this feeling out of me, I’d be a sitting duck for anyone to claim my life. Wearing a target never bothered me on a normal day, but Emilia just changed that status.
six
Millie
“Imet the most peculiar man today,” I said, entering my untidy home. Tim sat in the same spot wearing the same mess from whatever takeout he got again. More trash sat around him, and it didn’t even bother him. Not even recognizing my presence, he didn’t say a thing as his fingers played more video games. “Did you hear me?”
No response. Sometimes, being with Tim made me feel more alone than if I truly lived in isolation. His fingers kept moving fast over the buttons on the controller. Exploding sounds mixed with gunshots from the TV behind me. Whiskers came running to me with his meows and love, but he ran into a leg of the collapsing coffee table first from his lack of depth perception. Walking to fill his bowl, I couldn’t stand not being heard.
“I had an orgy with five dudes on my run this morning. They took turns in my ass and pussy,” I stated to draw his attention my way, filling the cat food up.
“That’s good, babe. Glad you had a good day.” It was within this moment that I realized Tim greeted me the same way each day. He never actually listened to me unless I drew enough of his attention away from the screen. How had I been so blind to it?
A toxic rage found me, and I did the strangest thing. Picking up the remote from the coffee table, I chucked it at the television, shattering the center of the screen into darkness. Screaming my anger out, I let him hear how sick of this bullshit I had grown.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me?” I cackled like I found it funny. “Me? The one working her ass off every day for a lazy man who can’t stop his gaming long enough to give a conversation to his girlfriend! I never ask for much out of you, but I’m done, Tim. Either you start looking for a job and start exercising that fast food out of you, or you get the hell out.”
The wrath in my tone manifested in ways it never had before. Maybe it came from two strangers giving me attention this week, or maybe Kasey’s words made his behavior strike a chord. Tim sat forward, knowing there would be no argument over this. Either he shaped up or he could move back in with his own mother.
Going into our room, I left him on the couch, but my hurt wouldn’t end with being ignored. On the bed sat his laptop with his porn video paused that he had been watching to jerk himself off to. A level of anguish settled in me, regretting coming home before heading to the prison for my reading group. Crying, I didn’t know it until a tear landed on my chest following the path that streaked my cheek.
Before my relationship with Tim, I never cared if my boyfriend watched porn here and there. Now, it cut me so deep, I’d never be able to view it the same way ever again. Tim never tried to satisfy me or asked if I wanted a round. He always climaxed to the perfect women on the screen. And if he did use me, he closed his eyes like he needed to picture something else because I wasn’t good enough. It felt like he was having an affair but had it openly to show me how little he valued me.
Crying felt sobering, but I also knew I couldn’t stop my life just because I had a bad evening. Slamming the laptop closed, I quickly changed my shirt and freshened up in the bathroom. As I redid my mascara, I heard footsteps coming toward the room. Rushing to be seen thinking he planned to apologize, I made it look like I was rummaging through a random drawer.
Tim came in behind me, but he didn’t say much like I wanted him to. Looking over my shoulder, I found him picking his laptop up. “That’s odd, I thought I left this open.”
“You did,” I responded. “I didn’t feel like staring at who you look at to get off to while knowing it’s never me.”
Leaving him with that, I left. My legs felt heavy because my heart drowned in too much emotion, the depth swallowing me whole once again.
***
“The end.” Closing the simple Dr. Seuss book, some of the men gave me funny looks for reading Oh, The Places You Will Go. The prisoners didn’t see how incredible it was that we had such a positive impact from an early age. “I picked this to unlock the inner child in you that needed to hear they could do whatever you wanted… before the world told you otherwise.”
Most criminals either were raised in the world of sin or found it through addictions. For the next few minutes, I waited for anyone to interact with me. Sadly, I knew they wouldn’t from going through the motions so many times before. My hope would always be that I unlocked something for them to think about in their quiet moments. Remind them they could be great men.
For now, I let the guards gather the men to take out of the room. Packing up, I should’ve known one person would have something to say. “An astronaut.”
Even through the dull ache now residing in my head, I knew who came to greet me again. Letting my droopy eyes sweep up, I found the handsome mafia prince on the other side of the safety glass. “An astronaut?”
“I thought space would be my adventure as a boy, but the family business squashed it.”
“Well, that business isn’t doing you justice if you landed in prison for running it.” I didn’t mean to sound so mean, but my bitterness still festered from Tim. Flinching, I couldn’t believe what my mouth just let out. “I’m so sorry, Draven. I’ve had a hard day, but you don’t deserve my anger.”
“Have you been crying?” He stepped closer to get a better look of my disheveled face makeup couldn’t fix. It didn’t help my hands trembled as I hurried to apply it in the parking lot of the compound.
“Oh, I’m fine,” I tried to smooth over the conversation.
“Millie, you don’t need to lie to me. I can see you’re upset.” His caring tone did something I didn’t expect. It broke my emotionless dam.
“I am upset. My boyfriend plays video games all day while I work my ass off to provide for us, and then he makes me feel like I’m invisible when I come home. Have you ever felt more alone in someone’s company than by yourself? It’s not fun. And to think, my day started off by meeting a lovely man on my run. I wish to meet more like him because I felt so seen for a few minutes, like I did with you last week and even now. You could actually tell I’m upset, unlike Tim.”
