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"In a sense, yes, but I feel like she had a guided, premeditated hand that forced her to take her life to find any version of peace that might be better than the one she endured. If you ask me, my father murdered her. He knew how ruined her soul had become, but he only laughed harder, enjoying it."
"He sounds like a sick man." Her hand brushed the edge of my face, centering me into our moment of shared grief.
"The moment I learned my mother had killed herself, I decided then and there he couldn't keep being the head of our family. For Sofia's sake, I had to step up and show him the true monster he created in his fun. By breaking me, he only made me stronger than him, so I became the head of our home at the age of twenty-two, eight years ago."
"Eight years?" Her surprise could be read. Everyone who didn't know thought it had been recent because of how other members of the table talked to me.
"Technically, my father isn't dead, so others still believe him to have our seat, but I hold all the power. I thought by showing him the compassion my mother taught me, I'd be a stronger leader for my own home. Instead, some think I'm too soft to do what needs done."
"I applaud you for that. I couldn't imagine letting him live after all the hurt he caused your family." Shaking her head, she nestled deeper into my chest.
"Just like I applaud you for loving so hard, every soul seeks you out." Part of me wanted to ask her about Costas, but I felt like that would need to be a conversation for a less heavy day. Plus, Tony and I needed to discuss that first too. "You've seen your own glimpses of pain to have let it harden you, but you choose to love instead."
"But I'm also a wreck more often than other people. Like right now... you have to waste your time with me because I can't keep it together." Breaking again, another tear fell from her long lashes. How I hated seeing her so sad.
Kissing over the eye that just leaked her sadness, I kept my eyes closed, staying right next to her. "Love is not just for the good days, Sunshine. I'll love you while you're sad. I'll love you when you think there might not be another good day to come. There's no fast fix for grief, so my promise as your partner is to provide companionship for every emotion you enjoy and the ones you must endure. I'll never leave you alone through the storms you weather."
"Draven..." she exhaled my name with more emotion choking her up.
"I only left my mother alone for one day, Sunshine. It took one day for her to end her life, so I promise that I'll never do that to you when you need me."
"You can't blame your absence anymore, Draven. That one day of leaving gave her the gift she finally needed." Her hands took hold of the sides of my face as I released one tear. We'd started this conversation because she lost a kitten, but it took a turn for me with something that still cut me deeper than a knife. Millie understood what I couldn't voice. "I bet your mother had been waiting every day for you to be gone in order to finish what she needed to find peace. She didn't want her son there when she finally committed. It was her way to protect you too."
"How do you know what to say when I need to hear it the most?" I breathed her in.
"Because I love you too," she confessed. Keeping our bodies flush, legs tangled together, we made a silent vow for this to be real. Every day, I'd wake up choosing to love her and Tony. With that choice, I promised to be there through it all.
***
Costas
My stare kept out the window for the whole night in the living room toward the back of the house. Millie's grief had hit something deep inside of me. So, instead of being the best for the job today, I found myself doing what I promised I never would. I stalked my mother's social medias to see her new life.
Her smile stretched wider than the width of the moon as she held her family close. Having another son, he looked like he grew up in a loving home with her and her husband. The boy had to be around seventeen now, looking so much like our mother that it hurt my heart he favored her beauty. Scrolling another image down, I saw something I hadn't expected. An obituary sat right below her profile picture. The name read her now late husband's name, survived by her and her son, and me...
She included me in the list of surviving family members, Costas Malone, because I kept her name. How had I missed this piece of information? How had my informant not told me? My hand fell over my heart, clutching the skin like it could penetrate deep enough to get the searing agony out of it. If only I could cradle the organ causing me endless suffering. My finger hovered over the little icon that would allow me to message her. Logically, I knew the repercussions would be too great for something so trivial, but I wanted to. I wanted to see her response and hear her love once again.
"Ma..." I tried to contain my emotions. Blinking rapidly, I held my phone in the same spot, but I let my gaze turn to the view outside. With the morning sun rising, it peeked over the forestry we had on the property. The surreal scene made the hurt deepen because this had been six months ago. My mother lost another loved one after finally creating a stable life for herself in my absence.
"Costas?" a small voice drew me from my plaguing thoughts. Millie wandered out of Draven's room because she had stayed with him and Tony last night. His room sat back here on the main level with Tony's neighboring it, hidden behind the main square of the compound, so I didn't think about when she'd wake up. The hour seemed too early for her, but I knew last night had been too hard on her mind and soul. "Are you alright? You usually hear me or know I'm near you."
Inhaling to soothe myself before facing her, the breath turned sharp inside my lungs, freezing further movement for expansion. Swiveling my body to turn around, I found her right beside me, glimpsing at my phone. Out of instinct to protect my mother, I tucked the phone in my pocket. The hasty movement upset Millie that I would hide something from her.
"I didn't mean to intrude or to glance at your phone. She's a beautiful woman, though." Nodding her head, she took a step away from me.
Something felt worse inside of me by not sharing with the girl standing next to me. Out of all the things I needed today, Millie's kindness and understanding sat at the top of the list. "She's my mother."
"Oh?" Her eyes widened, expecting to hear I was having an affair or something with a married woman. "She seems lovely. I bet she loves having you for a son."
Scoffing, I shook my head. "No, I'm not the dream son she wanted, but she had him after I left."
"A mother's love doesn't favor one son over the other," she tried to defend.
"By leaving her to find my father, it changed things. We don't keep in contact." Clearing my throat, I gently smiled. "I should get back to my post. I'm due there on the hour for shift change."
Walking by her, she surprised me by gripping my hand to stop me. When I turned to glance at her over my shoulder, I noticed her eyes were still puffy and red from crying over the loss of the kitten. Unsure of what she'd say, Millie just gave my hand a firm squeeze. To the unknowing eye, nothing exchanged besides the hold between our hands because no words were shared. To me, she gave me everything I didn't know I needed, recognizing my hurt and telling me she felt it inside her soul too. She felt for me what I could never express to anyone else.
fifty-seven
