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His breath hitches right before his lips flatten to a thin line. He’s quiet, and I can practically hear his skepticism as he contemplates how to answer.
“It’s okay if you don’t,” I say, rushing my words.
“It doesn’t matter whatIbelieve, only what you believe. If believing in a higher power gives you the peace you seek, then that’s all that matters.”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore.” Silence stretches between us before I finally admit, “I’m mad at God.”
“Because of your mom?”
“What ifit’s his punishment?”
“Then I’d have to question, for what?”
“I broke the rules, and Mom got diagnosed with cancer. If I hadn’t been rebellious, maybe God wouldn’t have punished me and taken her away.” My voice cracks at the end. I’ve never told anyone—not even Nicole—these thoughts. But they’re what haunt me ever since I came home that summer. They’re what make me doubt everything I’ve learned ever since I was old enough to comprehend. This doubt, this anger, is what made me take off the cross pendant. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I kept wearing a symbol that gives me nothing but doubt?
“No, Cassie, that’s not—” He kisses the crown of my head and lets out a resonated sigh. “Are you referring to us having premarital sex?”
I close my eyes, knowing how bad this sounds and knowing that my self-doubt tarnishes our memory. “I don’t want to ruin that memory, but part of me believes it’s God’s way of getting back at me.”
“Cassie, plenty of people have sex, lots of sex, and bad things don’t happen to them. You’re taking way too much blame when nobody is at fault.”
I nod but still find his words hard to accept. God failed me, but I failed him first.
“Look at this way. Your mom got diagnosed while you were gone. Chances are, the cancer was already taking hold before you even left. Before you met me.”
My gaze meets him. “I didn’t mean to imply that you were the reason.”
“Shh.” He cuts me off, but I know he feels hurt by what I said. I can tell by the slight shift in his demeanor. “I already knew I wasn’t good for you.”
“Stop. That’s not what I meant at all. I made my choice, and I don’t regret it. I regret God. Yes, I failed him, but he failed me too. The one time I needed him to come through for me, he failed.”
“Is that why you took off your necklace?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. Daddy has all these plans for me. They all involve the church in some shape or form. But after I fulfill my commitment to Mom with this rummage sale, I’m done. After I graduate, I’m moving far away and working toward building my own future. One where I take care of myself. I hate this world that views men as superior and women as submissive.”
“I picked up on that.”
I suppose his statement shouldn’t surprise me. The congregation’s viewpoints are obvious to outsiders. That’s the thing. I never thought about questioning their beliefs since I grew up with them.
“Yes. Who dares question the hierarchy? Even though that line is disgusting. Daddy believes it’s the woman’s right to cook, clean, and take care of the husband. Women were placed on the Earth to serve their leaders. Only men can be spiritual leaders, as said in the Bible.”
“Uh, as much as I like the ‘taking care of the husband’ part, you know that’s pure bullshit, right?”
“It’s what I have been taught ever since I was a little girl.”
His eyes widen as he opens his mouth, closes it, and then opens it again. “I can see how that message would mold your thinking, but I don’t believe that’s true. I mean no disrespect to your dad, but I believe people cherry-pick passages and steer them into their line of belief. There are too many parables in the teachings to know the messenger’s original intent. I don’t believe that you must conform to some guy’s will because you’re a female. That’s pure bullshit.”
“It’s hard to shift that thinking. I feel so weak.”
He places my knuckles up to his mouth and kisses them, his gaze never straying from mine. “Do you realize you’re the strongest person I know? There isn’t a submissive bone in your body when it comes to me. You always stand up to me, and whatever crap I spew, you toss right back. What you need to figure out is why you can do that with me and not with others.”
“Because when I’m with you, I can be myself. You let me just be me.”
“You deserve to be happy. Don’t let others knock you down.”
I love this man so much. Leave it to me to fall for the guy with the most challenging path. But he’s right. I’m done kowtowing to others. From this point forward, I’m going to start living for myself for once.
Bellow’s bark vibrates through the door pulling me back to reality. “I better let him out.”
