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He didn’t look up to face me, but it didn’t stop me. I'd have his full attention soon.
"Did we have problems before...? Conjugal problems?"
As I expected, my question made him stop and turn to me.
"What do you mean, love?"
"Am I not...to your satisfaction? Maybe after the baby, I'm not the same as I used to be. You need to tell me, James."
"What kind of a fucking questions is that? No, we didn't have any problems; no, nothing is different, and yes, you are...I don't even know how to answer that."
"Then why aren't we fucking, James? Make me understand. Make my wounded, confused brain comprehend it."
He looked anguished by my attitude and looked at Chelsea for support. Lucky for me, she was too mesmerized by her toy to give him a distraction.
"Rita, we don't have any problems."
"Not an explanation, doctor."
"I just don't want to hurt you, is that so bad? Just give me until I get you to a doctor, have another CT and put my worries at ease. Please, just don't think this is about you. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on."
Ugh, this shit again. What did I have to do to convince him I wouldn’t die at the mercy of his dick? Squats? Jumping Jacks? Grind my ass to the couch arms for thirty minutes?
"James, I'm not gonna break," I said and walked to him. When we were face to face, I dragged my finger on his chest. "I'll let you do all the work, I promise."
"Rita." Oh, there it was. The doubt. I was not getting anywhere with this man. "It's not about physical effort. Sexual activity could make your blood pressure rise and..."
"Oh my God, you are such a nerd. Please stop talking." The moment was gone, and I took Chelsea in my arms. "Come on, baby girl, let's go and wash those dirty hands before daddy bores us both to death."
I walked out of the room with the baby, and I heard James calling my name, but I didn’t turn around.
The rest of the day moved with the speed of an anemic snail. Chelsea kept my attention all day, so I managed to avoid James, except when I needed him to find where we keep her pacifier, her bottles, baby stuff. I was ashamed to say that not only did I not remember where they were placed, but I also didn’t know what half of them were used for. She had a chair that rocked itself for God's sake.
When nine o'clock rolled around, she was down, sleeping on my chest while I lay on the living room couch. The Tv was off, the lights were dim, and there was no sound to disturb this moment. She was just a little angel sent to earth. After watching her for several minutes, I decided that the best thing was to put her in the crib so I moved slowly, still unsure on how to handle her little body. That was probably how I felt the first time we brought her home.
I put her down and put the pacifier next to her pouty baby lips, and she immediately grabbed onto it. Smiling, I turned the sleeping light on and turned to walk back to the living room when I found James in the door way.
"Hey." He looked hesitant, like I was about to bite him.
"Hello, James. Did you come to say goodnight to Chelsea?"
"No, actually I wanted to check on you. You skipped dinner, Rita."
"I had some crackers and an orange on the couch. I don't have that much of an appetite."
Since I woke up in that hospital in Boston, I had felt confused, but James always found a way to put me at ease. Now, all that feeling of comfort was gone. The tension was thick and heavy between us, and I knew it was all because I snapped, but it was better to play with my cards on the table.
"You spent a lot of time in your home office," I said, eyeing him.
"I wanted to give you some space. You seemed pretty upset earlier, and I didn't wanna be in your way."
And he hid like a hermit? That was how my husband managed our fights?
"Yes, James, I was. I still am. I'm frustrated and confused because I don't remember a damn thing about me and you, and I don't know why you won't...Anyway, we should talk about it, not avoid each other like we have the plague."
He nodded and signaled me to walk out in the hallway because my voice was starting to rise, and neither of us wanted to wake up the baby.
"Rita, I don't know what to tell you. I'm worried for your health. I saw you falling and collapsing on the sidewalk with no apparent reason, and I am scared as fuck that it might happen again. I'm sorry if I'm making you feel bad, and I am sorry I avoided you."
