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So dramatic, mama.
I looked back one more time, and through the cracked window of our living room, I saw my father with his back turned, watching the game like nothing ever happened. He didn’t even care to scream at his only daughter - his only child. This made up my mind. I was done.
I felt sick. The flood of emotions was overbearing. It was like I was reliving all of it again, and the pain was raw and bitter. I wanted to kick and scream, and most importantly, I wanted James to come home from his run so I could scream at him. My heart needed to find a way to discharge, and irrationally, I placed the blame on his shoulders.
The front door cracked open, and James walked in. Chelsea was giggling hard, and he was baby talking to her, dropping something on the floor and coming in my direction.
"Well, the people in the store will never forget our visit. Our daughter took down a cereal box pyramid. I turned my face away from her for thirty seconds and everything went down..." he stopped to put Chelsea in her play corner where all the toys were and found me tearing up, crouched on the couch, wiping my tears away. "What happened?"
His alarm was visible.
"You took me away."
The words floated between us for many seconds, and I could virtually see the blood draining from James's face. He became pale, and his eyes widened, fear swallowing his features.
"Ri-Rita..." he tried to speak, but the words failed him. His attitude to my accusation was answer enough for me. He knew what he did; he took me away from my family.
"You took me away. This is why you didn't want me to remember anything! You were hiding this from me."
My voice got so high when I finished the sentence, I saw Chelsea flinch and drop her pacifier, and I hated myself for it. I was so worked up that I didn't even consider my baby daughter was in the room.
I needed to get a grip.
"James, talk!" I hated this juvenile silence, like the problem would go away if we didn’t talk about it. I needed to talk about it, and sure as fuck, I needed someone to fight with me about it.
"Baby, I'm so sorry...love, Rita, listen, please. Just give me a chance to explain."
His hands were shaking, and he took three tiny steps towards me carefully, like he was afraid I might bolt out the door at any second.
It hit me that the roles were reversed since our last fight; now I was foaming in anger, and he was scared. Scared. The suffocating angst building around him was almost visible, and this made me feel remorseful for triggering him.
"I am letting you explain, so fucking say something."
"I was lost and then I saw you. I lost my fucking head...I am so sorry. Rita, please, you said you'd remember I love you."
Ha? There was no way I could forget it, not after he slow danced with me all night at Zach and London's engagement party and fucked me like a maniac after.
"What the hell, James? I know you do, but this doesn't change the fact that I am mad. I asked you, James. I fucking asked you why my father hates me, and you didn't say a fucking word. But you knew all along. He threw me out because I wanted to move here with you?"
"What?!" he yelled, appalled.
"My father disowned me because of you. Because I chose you!"
James looked away and breathed out slowly, his shoulders sinking, releasing all the tension.
Again, he chose silence, and this made me fucking mad.
"James, I don't plan to talk with the fucking walls, so you better look at me."
He took his sweet time to gather himself and confront me. We locked eyes. I scowled, but all I got in return was a soft look, meant to calm me down.
"Oh, love, that's what this is all about?"
"It's important for me, James. My heart broke a hundred times because I didn't know what happened."
"My beautiful girl," in two strides, he was next to me, and I was pulled into a bear hug so tight, I was afraid my ribs would crack, "don't be mad, don't. Let's talk."
He was so fucking tender, it was hard to keep my enraged act together because three seconds in, I felt my body melting. His warmth was addictive. I felt safe and cherished - he held me like I was his whole fucking world, like I didn't just scream so loud, I almost made our daughter cry, like I could do no wrong in his eyes...
