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I have a tendency to obsess a little over unsolved mysteries, things I can’t explain. Maybe because there’s already so many strange things about me, I have to make the world makesense. And somehow, although I can’t begin to explain it, that music doesn’t.
Sunday’s family dinner, and Rachel’s eager to talk through her wedding plans. Yes, the school band I hired for her is still happy to perform. Yes, I’ll play her wedding march, and her first dance. Yes, yes, yes, I’ll wear the roses in my hair, and the pale lilac dress, and do everything in my power to make that day so fantastic she forgets the groom she’s attaching herself to. Never mind that he’s boring, rude, lazy, without much ambition, and quick to criticize my amazing little sister.
Why wouldn’t she sign herself away to him? It’s only for the rest of her life.
Well, not according to the divorce rate.
“What is it with you today, Rina?” our mother asks, sounding frustrated as she stuffs a frosted cupcake in my hand. “You’re barely with us.”
I dip my finger in the creamy goodness and fake my brightest smile. “It looks divine, Mom.”
She blinks and immediately remembers she had something else to say. “Oh, and Rachel, darling, did you hear? We’re getting a discount on the cakes.”
I catch my sister staring at me as I hide my smirk behind a cupcake.
At the first chance, while we’re cleaning up, Rachel corners me.
“That’s not fair, you know,” she whispers with a pout. “You should have to fumble your way through an excuse and pretend your life is peachy like the rest of us!”
I shrug, unapologetic. “You know I don’t like to lie.”
“But blinding our poor mother with your perfect, toothbrush-advertising smile is fine?”
She rolls her eyes to heaven and back, but I can tell she’s not truly annoyed.
When we were growing up, Rachel hated that I could get away with murder…until she worked out I could also help her get out of trouble when she played nice.
Sounding a little more serious, she adds, “Buthoware you? You do seem a little more out of it than usual.”
I don’t try any tricks with her. More so than anyone, even Rain, she’s too used to me to fall for anything but the truth.
“Out of it,” I admit. “I’ve had a song in my mind since yesterday.”
She snorts and loses interest.
Music is like breathing to me. I always have a song in mind.
But not like this. Never like this.
* * *
I get back to work on Monday, but I don’t hear the sound of my flute as my fingers dance over the hard metal mechanically, following well-learned movements. I am an understudy, learning the ropes in case a second chair can’t make it to a performance, which happens a few times per year. The part-time job guarantees me a second-chair position as soon as I’m done with my master’s. If I want it. I’m not certain I do.
I do love music, but I don’t particularly enjoy practicing in a group. Or playing someone else’s composition. Still, it pays the bills. My parents never made me feel like they resented me, but despite their decent jobs, they’d never been able to save while I was a kid, in and out of the hospital all the time. Money is important to me because someday, it’ll be my turn to take care of them, and I intend to. I live cheaply, sharing with Rain, and sit on a pile of savings, planning for that future.
At college, my lazy teacher lets me take over at least six hours per day, although I’m technically just his assistant. My lectures—usually a favorite among my students, because I keep them interactive and fun—are objectively shit. I’m distracted and frustrated.
I find myself humming those maddening notes again and again. At home, I give in.
I play it. On my piano, on the flute, on my violin. I sing it until my throat is sore. The stray cats I feed stay longer to listen and purr.
We’re in agreement, little buddies. That song is a delight. And I need to know where it comes from. I need all of it.
I need it more thanair.
If Rain gets tired of the song, she doesn’t say anything.
I’m not an early riser by nature, so I usually party on Friday, Saturday, or both, to ensure I get a chance to sleep in after a night out. This week, I change into a tight sparkly dress Wednesday after dinner.
