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We’re gonna have to have a talk about that as soon as they get here, though, because fuck if I’ma let the little shits tell me what to do with my woman. I smiled in the back of the SUV, her hand in mine, as I recalled all our happy moments these last few months, most of which had been caught on camera.
My heart was full of a light that had never been there before as we drove through the night, and along with the pain, I fought back tears as I realized that everything I’d ever wanted, this woman, our children, was about to be mine.
It looked like everyone got to the hospital before us. I saw Evelyn and her husband, along with the Silverspoons. “How’d you guys get here so fast?”
“We were already in the area, remember? The dinner that you refused because you didn’t want your wife driving that far?”
She said that shit like I knew my woman was going to go into labor. Meanwhile, these pains were kicking my ass, and Amanda and I had switched roles from what we’d learned in that Lamaze class she’d dragged me to. Now that is some Wes Craven fuckery right there. Those videos should be outlawed.
The sadistic fuck who made them was probably trying to scare all men from ever setting foot in a delivery room because after seeing that shit, I told her that the only reason I was doing this shit was because it was her and how much I love her.
Because she wasn’t in pain and I wasn’t giving birth, these fucks decided to take their time. The asshole Doc skipped her happy ass into the room a whole half an hour later, all chipper and shit. “So, I hear we’re doing pretty good in here.”
Bitch, I’m full slumped here in this chair, the fuck you mean doing pretty good? She didn’t even look in my direction but went right for the other one’s belly. Women, they can never read a room.
She checked my girl over, then walked over to me with a smirk. “How’re we doing Thunder?” I growled at her, and she laughed and walked away. “Still roaring, I see.” She stopped with her hand on the doorknob and looked back at me. “I can get you something for that you know.” That’s why she walked away. If I had something in my hand, I would’ve thrown it at her.
I had some peace for about two minutes, and then that shit started again. The nurse had put some shit all over her tummy that was hooked up to the machine next to her bed. Swear to fuck each time I felt a pain that shit spiked, but she didn’t even have a twinge, not one fuck.
“Babe, you want me to get you something? Some water?” She looked at me with concern, and I gave her the stink eye through the tidal wave of pain that hit me at the thought of drinking water. The only thing my stomach could take right now was air. She only said that shit to make me look bad.
She knew everyone was out there in the private waiting room. How would it look if she went to get me shit when she was technically the one having the babies? They’d laugh at my ass even more than they already do.
I’d been very hurt when my own men started teasing me about the throwing-up shit. I thought she’d betrayed me, but it turns out it was my darling little sister. She’s also the one who started the betting pool.
These fuckers have a spreadsheet. Is it going to be one of each, a boy and a girl, or will it be two of the same? What were their weights gonna be, and if it was one of each, which would be born first? Even my in-laws were in on it: traitors.
“No, thank you.” I know she thinks I can’t handle this, but she has no idea that no pain on earth could keep me from being there to hold her hand.
* * *
“Push Amanda,you’re doing well, you’re doing well.” The Doc must’ve said that a hundred times in the last few hours. Baby number one came out kicking and screaming. I was still on my feet. A bit lightheaded, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Baby number two was more of the same, and I was in the home stretch. All we had to deal with now was the afterbirth. The pain was miraculously gone.
Everyone was bustling around the room, getting the babies cleaned up, and I was looking down at my wife through tears. Then my eyes widened as a pain worse than all the others took me out. The last thing I heard when I hit the ground before all the lights went out was, ‘It’s a girl.’ Fuck me, the Doc got one over on me.
THUNDER
“Mom, come take a look. Did he hit his head on anything?” Those were the first words I heard when I came to. What the hell am I doing on the floor? The room came back into view after my vision cleared, and that is when I remembered the last few embarrassing seconds before I passed out.
“Where the fuck is that doctor?” There was no one else in the room except my wife, her mother, and one nurse who was on her way out. I got to my feet with the help of my mother-in-law, who was trying hard not to laugh.
My wife was wearing the nightgown I’d packed for her, real silk and not that nasty shit they make people wear when they come here, and her hair looked like it had been freshly brushed. What the hell happened? Was it a dream?
“How long was I out?”
“About twenty minutes.”
“Where are my kids?” I looked around the room, almost in a panic.
“They’re being cleaned up; they will be back soon. Our sisters are with them right now.”
“You, show me.” I pointed at the nurse, but it wasn’t necessary because two nurses wheeled the babies into the room just then. I felt that weakness in my knees again, but there was no pain, just raw terror now that they were here.
They wheeled them over to us, and I looked at them, trying to figure out who was who. “Is that a girl?” I pointed at the one that looked a bit suspicious to me. Ask me how I knew which one was her. Two of them were screaming their heads off or fussing in some way while the other was asleep.
Yeah, that’s trouble. She came into this shit with no fucks given. I leaned over to get a better look but still wanted to keep my distance, and she opened her eyes, my eyes, looked at me, did some shit with her mouth, and went back to sleep.
I wasn’t sure which one to pick up first. Wouldn’t they get mad when they grow up and ask? I looked at her for support, but one of the nurses was already taking one of them out to pass to her. I followed suit and picked up the other one, and the idiot nurse had the nerve to pick up the sleeping Diva and place her in my arms as well.
