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“Well, some people like angry sex. I thought maybe…”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “True. But no, Cass. I’m not angry and if I was, I wouldn’t have used you like that.”
She nods.
“You…haven’t called me Pip,” she says, biting on her cheek again.
She noticed that.
“It’s because I’m still coming to terms with it, but in truth, I’m not sure you’ll ever be Pip again.”
Her face falls at that, and I feel like a bastard for how the words came out. I didn’t mean it like that. “You misunderstand,” I say, pulling her toward me.
“So explain it to me. Please,” she whispers that last part.
“You’re so much more than that. Pip is the little girl I had to leave in order to survive. I don’t want you to be her. I want you to be Cass. Because Cass isn’t a little girl, she’s an incredible woman. A woman who sees me. The man that I’ve become.”
She pivots her body closer to me. “But I’m still that girl. Deep down, I’m still that broken girl you left,” she whispers.
Those words break me a little more. The picture my mind conjures of that little girl, sitting by our tree, all alone crying…it damn near breaks my heart in two.
“I’m sorry I left you. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
“You thought of me. That’s got to mean something.” Her voice still sounds broken, and I don’t like it.
I shake my head. “It wasn’t enough, though. I should’ve tried harder to keep in touch. To ensure you knew I hadn’t forgotten.”
“How were you supposed to do that? You were eighteen, and your mom was a monster. Coming home would’ve set you back. Could’ve destroyed all you worked for.”
Which is the very reason I stayed away. It’s why I had to. But there were other ways.
“I could have called. I could have contacted you.”
“How?” she asks, placing her hand against my cheek. “You knew I didn’t have a phone. It was hard enough to keep the lights on, let alone pay a phone bill and have food.”
“I should have figured out a way.” I clear my throat. This conversation is harder than I thought. “Fuck, Cass. You thought I abandoned you…”
She leans her forehead on my shoulder, breathing in deeply.
“I did. But I also believed you had a good reason.”
I sigh heavily, shouldering so much guilt.
“At the time, I thought I did, but now, they all feel like pathetic fucking excuses.”
The truth is, I fell into a routine. One that I enjoyed. And I pushed my past behind me. Pip included.
“So tell me about what you were doing. Where did you go?” Her voice is full of curiosity. There’s nothing bitter about it.
My eyes glance up to the ceiling before looking back down.
“The day I left, I hopped on a bus. As I told you, there was a tryout. I impressed the coach, and it basically changed my life. What you did allowed for everything that came after boarding that bus, Cassidy.”
She smiles wide. “That’s all I wanted for you.”
I huff a laugh. “I won’t lie and say it was easy. I needed money in a bad way, so when I wasn’t playing, I was working. A lot.”
She bobs her head. “What did you do? I wanna know everything.”
