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“You should get some sleep, angel,” Gareth said when I remained silent too long. “And maybe put some clothes on,” he continued. “I know I keep it warm in the winter, but I would hate for you to freeze.”
His eyes lingered on the hem of my shorts before returning to mine.
I smiled. “Does it bother you?” I asked. “Seeing so much of my skin?”
“No,” he said. “But that's the thing. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, I'm always enamored by you.”
My heart flipped in my chest. “Then why won't you be with me?”
“I've told you?—"
“No,” I cut him off. “Truly? I'm not afraid of you. I'm being up-front with you about what I want. What I need. I know it's not an attraction issue, and after living with you for a month and us being able to have fun even doing something like watching silly reality shows together, I'm guessing it's not a personality thing either. Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing? Because I’d be a chore?” I swallowed hard, emotion catching up to me.
“Fuck no,” he growled. “You could never be a chore to me.” He sighed. “You've been used your entire life, Serenity. Every choice was taken from you. Every pleasure, every luxury. You've been used and bargained for and promised to others. I’ll never be that person who uses you as a means to an end. And even if I was an asshole and didn't care about all of that, I still wouldn't, because you deserve someone gentle. Someone who doesn't have a dark past. Someone you can have a future with that doesn't include looking over your shoulder and finding either enemies or extra guards there. I want that future for you, the one where you make your own choices about who you want to be with, not because you were forced to knock on the scariest person's door you could find.”
He furrowed his brow, silently begging me to understand.
I couldn't find the right words to respond.
“Goodnight, angel,” he said, turning out of the kitchen and disappearing down the hallway.
It took me a full two minutes to ensure I wouldn't break down into tears.
I slowly sipped the rest of my mocktail in the kitchen while I contemplated what he’d said.
No one had ever spoken to me like that. He had such a clear perspective on my life. No one had ever put me first or had my best interests at heart.
Not the way he did.
And while I appreciated his sentiment, it didn't change what needed to be done.
More than that, it didn’t change the fact that I chose him on purpose.
I needed to tell him. Needed to find a way to make him understand.
I’d knocked on his door because he was the only one who’d ever made me feel alive.
The next day, when I was certain that Gareth and Brooks had gone out to handle some business meeting, and that no staff members could happen upon me, I plopped myself on the couch in the living room and turned on his giant TV. The space was my favorite in Gareth’s home, second only to his kitchen, because we’d spent so much time together right here on this leather couch. The TV was nestled in a wall of built-ins, the shelves lined with books and other decorative trinkets that gave the room a cozy feel. The couch was in the middle of the room, its back facing the entrance, and two other chairs flanked its sides, making the TV the focus in this room.
Gareth was routine in the fact that after he finished work for the day, he made sure to have dinner with me, followed by something as safe and innocent as watching a reality show. I cherished the moments, reveled in the small glimpses I got to see him with almost all his guard down. The only wall he left up was the one I was desperate to breech—the intimate one.
Settling into the couch, I committed to learning as much as I could to help me in that endeavor, but even now nerves racked my body as I typed in a very particular word into the search bar on the TV.
The search came back with too many results to count.
I sat up a little straighter. Who knew there was so much porn available at the click of a button?
Even as I selected one, I had the urge to look over my shoulder at the entrance, my body instantly doused with fear at the thought of getting caught. I knew that reaction had been built into me over time, and this was something I would never have risked in my own home. And even knowing that Gareth would never punish me for something like this, my body's muscle memory had been trained for years to fear my father's wrath.
But he wasn't here.
No one was.
And I needed to educate myself.
I’d always been a visual learner, and sadly, the books I’d researched didn’t have what I was looking for. Gareth was a very experienced man, not to mention the dominating kind, so where better to start my research than in the visual world of porn?
I started the video, half burying my face in my hands, watching the scene play out through my fingers, feeling absolutely scandalized. As the minutes ticked by, I realized that this might not have been the right choice. While there were some parts that were certainly interesting and that I wouldn't mind reenacting with Gareth, the buildup to that moment didn't take much on the actors’ parts. In fact, the two main characters barely shared a few words with each other before they were ripping each other's clothes off.
