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“What?” I said, blowing out a breath of unsteady air. Because why not talk to my fucking brother while trying to join Ethel on the fucking wall.
“Where the fuck are you?” he repeated. “We've all been trying to call you. I swear to fuck if you left town, I’m going to… I don’t know what the fuck I’ll do.”
“I left.” Was my voice steady? Maybe? Sort of? Why was Ethel crooked? I cocked my head and squinted, studying the dead deer hard.
Or maybe I was crooked.
“Jesus fuck, Killian!” Declan growled. “People are fucking dying—your pack is dying—and you just fucking leave? You left us again. What the hell is going on in that fucking head of yours?”
“I’m sorry,” I grumbled. “I just want fucking quiet. I just want… I need it to be quiet, Declan. It’s too much… it’s all too much. I just… I just want quiet.”
I stumbled over my words, my tongue heavy in my mouth.
“Are you drunk?” he asked quietly.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told him. My eyes burned with tears I couldn’t fucking hold back if I tried. I paced the room in wild, uneven steps with the gun pushed against my temple. “It won’t fucking matter.”
“Killian—”
“I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I’m the fuck up. I’m a fucking coward. I’m a… I’m not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s… it won’t matter tomorrow.”
“Killian, where are you?”
“It doesn’t fucking matter.”
“It does matter,” Declan replied. “Please, just tell me where you are, and I’ll be there. You don’t have to be alone.”
“No, no, no.” I shook my head as I pressed the gun tighter to my skin. Tears came faster. “I’m alone. I’m always alone. No one fucking feels this way. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m so fucking tired, Declan.”
“I know,” he whispered. “Did you go to Iron Falls, Killian? Or somewhere else?”
“I have enough to make sure you don’t have to pay for anything. It’s all in the bank.”
“I don’t care about that. Just tell me where you are. We can get through this together.”
“And make sure the rest goes to… to…” I blew out a hard breath as my chest constricted painfully. Fuck, I couldn’t even say her name. “Make sure she gets the rest, okay? I can’t keep fucking up her life. I ruined her, Declan.”
“You didn’t ruin her, Killian—”
“I did!” I exclaimed. “I love her so much, and I fucking ruined her. I break things, Declan. I break good things. Our family. My marriage. I don’t… I don’t deserve them.”
“Yes, you do. You didn’t break our family,” he said over me. The tremble in his voice and the increase in his breathing weren’t lost on me. That was my fault. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Such a fucking screw-up. “You’re a part of this family, Killian. You’re stuck with us, you hear me? You’re stuck with me. Just tell me where you are, please. Let me help.”
I closed my eyes, my head tipping back. Tears came faster as the room spun around me.
“Tell Mom… tell Mom I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m really fucking sorry, Declan.”
“No, no, Killian! Stay on the phone, please!”
I rushed to end the call and fumbled the fucking phone as the room pitched sideways. I fell. The gun went off. My phone disappeared to who the fuck knew where. Pain exploded in the back of my head as I hit the fucking coffee table.
I groaned. Somewhere in the distance, someone shouted my name. My stomach threatened to riot right there—downfall of drinking on an empty stomach.
Fuck, I couldn’t even manage a single goddamn shot right. Except Ethel didn’t look right—yeah, she was definitely missing a fucking ear.
I sighed and slung an arm over my face as darkness crept in.
Fuck, I shot Ethel.
