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I just sat there because no matter how I fucking felt on the inside, I needed the reminder that I wasn’t alone.
Chapter 72
Genevieve
Icouldn’t go home. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but I couldn’t be around my parents. I didn’t have me it in me to do so. Fighting with Killian had wrecked me. All my walls and barriers were gone. I was rubbed raw, bleeding out in a proverbial sense. Every awful moment in our marriage leading up to him leaving played on repeat in my mind.
I sat on our back porch, curled up in a ball on the swing with a blanket pulled tight around me. Hot tears burned a path down my cheeks. It was too cold to be doing so, but the bitter bite of the weather offered a weird sort of clarity as I picked apart our life. Every moment, every fight, every obstacle.
When they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, no one mentions how much it hurts. Clarity cut painfully deep. God, I was so fucked up in the head.
I was so mad at him for what he’d done to me, but what about what I’d done to him? I ruined a good man because I… because I what? Because I couldn’t handle my parents? Because taking my therapist’s advice was harder than staying silent? Because I thought Killian would make it right?
I destroyed the one good thing in my life because I was afraid.
As I sat with that understanding, my phone vibrated in my pocket, and I sighed. Assuming it was my mother wondering why I hadn’t come home for dinner, I took it out. The unknown number texting me gave me pause.
UNKNOWN: I know you blocked my other number but I needed to send this. I won’t be a problem anymore. Promise. I’m sorry for what I put you through. I was so wrapped up in myself that I lost sight of what mattered most. You are the very best thing to ever happen to me, and I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you. I’m sorry I let you down when you needed me most. I’m sorry for the part I played in your pain. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better. It kills me. The house, the money, the car… all of it’s yours. I won’t need it anyway. Start over for you. Start over by yourself. Don’t give in to your father. You deserve the world, Genevieve. I hope you find peace amidst your grief.
That man and his stupid timing. I was so tempted to call him but couldn’t bring myself to do so. What would I even say? Nothing I did could repair the damage I’d done to him.
I never deserved a man as good and kind as Killian.
I ended up at Declan’s house despite the late hour. I didn’t know where else to go, but as I knocked, I realized how stupid it was. There were rules, and I was supposed to follow them. This wasn’t doing that.
The door flew open, and a look of surprise crossed Raven’s face.
“Oh! Hi,” she whispered.
“How do you deal with your grief?” I blurted out. Damn it. That wasn’t what I wanted to say. Okay, yes, I wanted to ask her that but not as a greeting.
“Oh…” Raven sighed. She pushed the door open. “Do you want to come in? Cade’s passed out cold thanks to the painkillers, and Declan had to run out of town for… a work thing.”
Even she sounded unconvinced of her own cover-up, but I said nothing. Whatever it was, I probably didn’t want to know. Passed out on the couch, Cade served as a pillow to one orange floof of a kitten and one sprawled-out puppy.
“Is he okay?” I asked softly. “At least, doing better?”
“He’s out for the rest of the season, which is upsetting, but he’s getting better,” she said. “Come on. I have ice cream, and now I have an excuse to eat it.”
“Do we need an excuse to eat ice cream?”
“No, but then I don’t feel as bad when I eat an entire tub,” Raven replied. “And those two are no help. They’re mint chocolate chip people.”
“Toothpaste with obstacles.” I smiled because how many times had I teased Declan for just that?
“Exactly! Did you know they make cheese-flavored ice cream?”
“Oh, poor Declan.” I knew where she was going with that thought process.
“But for us,” she pulled out a brown tub from the freezer, “rocky road at its finest. Will you grab spoons?”
Spoons and ice cream in hand, we silently moved to the back of the house where Cade wouldn’t hear us. Raven tossed around blankets and made a small flannel fort on the ground. And God, Declan really did have a ridiculous amount of flannel in this house. Blankets, pillows, and more. It was everywhere.
We made ourselves comfortable on the ground, propped up against a wall.
“The universe is funny… you being here and all,” Raven said quietly as she scooped up ice cream. I made a face, unsure of how to take that. “Grief is… complicated. Sometimes it’s easier to manage than others… like I can almost forget it’s there. Things feel good, and I feel like I’m making progress, but then something reminds me of it all over again. Something green, someone playing Metallica, things like that. And suddenly my grief comes back like Batman.”
“Like Batman?” I repeated.
