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The tick in Derri’s jaw said the other man recognized the lie, but Derri knew better than to call him on it. Instead, Derri leaned closer and lowered his voice as if they weren’t the only two people in the room. “Listen, I know you feel some kind of…something, for those two, but this is what we’ve been working for. This is why we—” His throat worked. “We sacrificed everything to get here. I refuse to watch you fuck it up.”
Them. They’d sacrificed their relationship. That was what Derri was trying so hard not to say. It’d been the two of them for as long as Zander could remember. They’d grown up side by side, friends then lovers. They could practically read each other’s minds. Zander would’ve done anything for Derri and Derri would’ve done anything for him.
He had.
Derri hadn’t been a fan of Zander’s plan when Zander had first brought it to him. He’d wanted to leave with Zander. But Zander had wanted him to stay, to be his man on the inside. In order for it to work, they’d had to cut their romantic ties.
It’d felt like severing a limb, the night he’d walked away from Derri to become someone else. And in all that time, Zander had kept telling himself it was worth it. It would all be worth it. That eventually he would reunite with Derri. They would pick up where they left off.
But as he sat next to the man he’d sworn he’d love forever, all Zander could think about was Vince and Scotty. Was Scotty sleeping right, eating right? Was he letting Vince take care of him? Zander was able to allow Vince to call his doctor for a refill of his meds and he’d sent Trem as an escort with Vince to pick it up. Was Vince taking care of himself, too, or was he focusing all his attention on Scotty?
Were they missing him?
Because he was missing them.
“Thank you.” He touched Derri’s shoulder briefly. “I know I haven’t said it enough, but thank you for sticking this out with me. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Agony darkened Derri’s eyes. “I did it because I love you and I wanted you to come back home. To me.”
“I know,” Zander whispered. Fuck, he knew. And it tore him up inside that this was the result. That he couldn’t give Derri what he wanted, what he’d been waiting for. “I’m sorry.”
Derri just stared at him, face like granite.
“Derri.”
“You want them? The addict and the cop who will surely take you down once he finds out you’re now the one in charge? That’s who you want, Kian?”
Zander flinched at the sound of his birth name. He wasn’t the same man who’d made those promises to Derri. “I’m not Kian anymore.”
Derri jerked as if Zander had slapped him in the face. “Then who are you?” He jumped to his feet. Zander had never seen him as emotional in all the years they’d grown up together. “Because the man I know, the man I love, would never put others before me.” He slapped his own chest. “Before us.”
Zander stood, reaching for him, but Derri backed away. “Derri.” Fuck. It exhausted him, having to explain, having to hurt his closest friend. His only confidant. But he would stay there as long as it took for Derri to understand what Zander himself couldn’t. “Things have changed,” he said softly. “Neither one of us is the man we were when we started down this road.”
“Maybe not, but I didn’t think you’d leave me behind.” Derri’s voice cracked.
Zander’s heart cracked right along with it. They were trained killers, he and Derri. You had to have ice running through your veins to do that kind of thing. But in private, when it was just them, they’d shared their fears, their hopes, and their dreams. He didn’t know about Derri, but having the other man to talk to had been the one thing that had kept him from going off the deep end. From losing his mind. Especially when he’d begun suspecting the truth about his uncle.
Derri had been his rock.
And he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of it.
“Derri.” He didn’t know what else to say. How to make it better. Because the truth was, Kian had been Derri’s world and Derri had been his. But Zander… Zander’s interests resided elsewhere. He closed the distance between them and pulled the other man into his arms.
Derri melted into him.
He closed his eyes, pressing a kiss to Derri’s temple. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He’d never expected them to be where they were now. All along he’d thought that once he got rid of his uncle, it would be Derri and him. Side by side.
But circumstances changed, hadn’t they?
Derri didn’t speak but he hugged Zander, burying his face in his neck while Zander stroked his back. They would be okay, he and Derri. He would make sure?—
The door opened and Zander’s eyes flew open as one of the guards entered, expression apologetic. “Sorry, Boss. I know you said you didn’t want to be disturbed, but he?—”
“Zander?” Scotty stepped out from behind the bodyguard’s bulky frame, face pale, hurt filling his eyes as he took in Zander and Derri wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Scotty!”
Zander was calling his name, but Scotty couldn’t answer. He was stuck for a moment, taking in the sight of that guy, Derri, in Zander’s arms. And he was struck, too, by a pain so sharp he had to exhale on a hiss.
