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“You kissed me,” she whispers.
“I kissed you,” I murmur. “And you let me. Because you knew, just like I did when I first met you. That there’s this invisible string, always pulling me to you. And I have no idea how to cut it, Katerina.”
Her tongue darts out, licking her bottom lip. “I don’t think you can.”
My eyes fall shut for a moment. “I thought I was rid of you.”
“I’ve never been rid of you, Xander,” she says softly.
My eyes open, met hers with an intensity that sends a chill through me. My heart pounds against my ribcage as I stare at her.
Do it, the voice in my head is insistent, leaving no room for hesitation.
My hand reaches up, grazes her jaw. “I still hate you,” I say into her beautiful brown eyes.
“I know. But you also want to kiss me,” she retorts, brown eyes fierce, teeming with desire and something else. Uncertainty. “Do it, Xander.”
She’s always so strong, I guess I’m allowed to be weak in the face of her. So I listen. To the voice in my head, to her. My head lowers slowly, my heart continues to thud in anticipation. My mind whirs with disbelief as my mouth meets hers. And then everything stops.
It’s like a jolt of electricity. A pathway into my mind, bringing up everything I thought otherwise buried. The passion that used to consume me, fills me to the brim.
Kissing her used to feel like a drug. And years later it’s still as potent as ever.
CHAPTER 19
Katerina
I’m a big fake. A poser. I have been all my life. I struggle with so much. Imposter syndrome, anxiety. Most of the time I feel weak, inadequate, so much less than perfect. So much less than what I’m supposed to be. I hid it though. I constantly tell myself and everyone around me how strong I am. I build walls, I keep the truth hidden, and my insecurities are shoved so far back in my mind. So far that sometimes I pretend they don’t exist. But they do.
The one true simple reason I fell for Xander was because he made me feel seen. In a way no one else has before. I’m not sure how he did it but when I met him, it was like he could look at me and pull out every hidden thought, all my fears seemed like nothing when I was with him. He’s the only person that’s ever made me feel safe and protected. I didn’t have to speak, he just understood.
Everyone wishes for someone like that. I had him and then I lost him. And now standing here as his arms wrap around me and his mouth molds with mine, I can’t help but think about how much of an idiot I was.
So fucking stupid. How could I have let him go? When he feels like this. Especially because he feels like this. Something in my gut aches, my pulse races and my heart pounds so hard it’s fucking painful.
His lips are warm against mine. My knees buckle under the intensity of that warmth. His left hand drops to catch my lower back, pressing me flush against him. Our lips communicate in a dance I’m not sure our minds understand. Ebbing and driving against each other as if even the thought of being apart would kill us both.
I press my palms against his chest, fisting his shirt and tugging him tighter. My fingers trail the contours of his chest. When his tongue pushes past my lips, swirling across mine like he’s desperate for a taste, I let him. I sink further and further into him, sinking into his body, surrendering myself completely and he kisses me harder.
My hands rise up to his hair, gripping it tighter as he kisses me. A gasp escapes my mouth when he bites my bottom lip before sucking the sting away. I can’t stop kissing him, I don’t want to stop. If I stop it’ll be over. I don’t want it to be over.
“It fucking hurts,” he says against my lips.
“I know,” is all I’m able to say before he’s kissing me again, furiously, his lips searing.
Xander tugs one of my legs up and around his waist, pressing against me. I can feel his hard length, pressing into me. I haven’t had sex in a long time. Intimacy has always been hard for me. Except when it’s with Xander.
When it’s Xander, it’s as easy as breathing. I get a moment of reprieve, a moment to breathe when his mouth moves to the corner of my lips, kissing and biting his way down softly. He sucks on a sensitive spot on my neck making me shiver. I feel his pleased smirk against my skin. I grip his arms about to beg for more when there’s the sound of footsteps climbing down the steps.
It’s like a bucket of ice cold water dousing our bodies. Xander practically rips his body away from mine, jerking away as if scalded. I blink, trying to come to terms with our surroundings, remembering we’re still in the kitchen, in his home where our son lives.
We hear voices nearing, Nate speaks to his aunt rapidly, telling her about a school project of his. When they enter the kitchen, they pause in their steps. Mikayla looks from me to her brother, her eyes taking in our stance and the distance between us. There’s no masking my heavy breathing. Her eyebrows climb slowly, realization dawning in her expression.
Nate however seems oblivious. He walks in, blinking innocently.
“Is something wrong? Dad? Katerina?” he questions.
I shake my head but his father doesn’t speak, staring at a far space on the wall. A muscle ticks in his jaw. The tension in extremely palpable.
