AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Panic seizes me like a sharpened claw and for a moment I can’t breathe.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to wait until you were ready.” Wesley rubs a hand over his face. “You seemed to be taking a break from the whole dating thing, I didn’t want to rush you.”
I’m feeling rushed. I hadn’t allowed myself to think very hard about what we were doing. Sure, it feels good, but I didn’t think it would go farther than a few kisses and whatever it was that we did yesterday.
Still, something in me calls out to him. But I can’t let myself get carried away. Because what if we try this, whatever this is, and end up hating each other by the end of it? We’ve been best friends for years and I don’t want to lose that. I thought he’d be the logical one and understand.
My heart squeezes in my chest. I miss the feeling of him under me, the sweet, comforting smell of him. I force myself to keep my distance, shaking my head.
“So, what does this mean?” I say.
Wesley tilts his head towards the ceiling, eyelashes fluttering like he’s asking for patience. That horrible thing in my chest squeezes harder.
“Don’t make me say it out loud,” he says. “Please, Ollie.”
I stare at him until he clears his throat, running a hand through his already-disheveled hair.
“It means I’ve fallen for you, Oliver. I care about you, and I want you to be happy. Even if that isn’t with me.”
Embarrassingly, my eyes well with tears. I can’t break down. I’m not sure I can pick up the pieces of myself if I do.
Wesley’s gaze is hot, eyes flashing with some indecipherable emotion, and I can’t help what comes out of my mouth.
“I like you, Wes. But only as a friend. It’s nothing more than that.”
I know it’s a lie as soon as I say it, but I refuse to think about that. I can’t let this go too far. He feels like this now, but I’m no stranger to people leaving me when I get too much for them to handle. I’m saving both of us a lot of pain.
Wesley’s face shutters, and he takes a step back. Then another, and another, until he’s by the front door and grabbing his hiking jacket from the coat rack. I watch him put on his pants and hiking boots in a daze, rooted to the spot.
He says nothing as he opens the door and slips outside into the cold, dreary afternoon. The door shuts with a loud bang, and I’m left standing in the middle of the living room.
Alone.
6
When Wesley doesn’t come back, I spend the next few minutes curled on the couch, staring hollowly into the fire. It’s dying, the embers sparking and dimming, and I can’t help but see it as a sign.
Every moment without Wesley makes me want to scream. We’ve been practically joined at the hip since the day we met. I feel empty, like the shell of a person. My stomach rumbles, letting me know I skipped lunch to sit on the floor and watch Wesley dig through the closet.
Forcing myself off the couch, I shuffle into the kitchen. I don’t have the energy to make a meal so I pull out a can of camping pasta and heat it on the stove. When it’s ready, I grab a spoon and lean against the kitchen window to eat.
It reminds me of Wesley in the bedroom, his back turned to me, staring out at the beginning of the snowstorm. My stomach clenches.
Everywhere I look, I see traces of him. His guitar propped against the chair he’d abandoned to kiss me by the fire, the breakfast plates arranged neatly by the sink, a Stephen King novel lying open on the small kitchen table, waiting for him to come back and finish the last few chapters.
His things are everywhere, even when he isn’t. Like a ghost I can’t quite catch.
The pasta is hot and bland. I bury my nose into his sweatshirt as I chew, inhaling the pine scent of him.
With Wesley gone, I’m forced to think. About him, about our friendship, and my feelings for him. Because I do have feelings for him. I don’t know how I’ve never noticed until now; I think I’ve liked him since the moment I first saw him.
We met at Callum’s moving-in party in freshman year. I’d known Callum from Fresher’s Week where we hit it off instantly, sharing our love for 2000s sitcoms. Callum was the first friend I made, so when he invited me to his party I said yes without hesitating.
It wasn’t so much a party as a gathering of his closest friends, but there was beer and a retro speaker blasting 90s music, so I was prepared to have a good time. I wasn’t expecting my boyfriend at the time to call and break up with me right there over the phone.
The next part is a bit blurry because I downed as many alcoholic drinks as I could stomach until I couldn’t anymore. I’d finished throwing up in Callum’s joined bathroom and was gargling mouthwash when a tall, broad figure opened the door.
