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“Everyone thought you were from a good family.”
I feel shame wash over me. “I lied. One of the guys asked me one night and it caught me off guard. I told him I’d lied to my family, who thought I was an accountant.” I shrug. “It’s stupid, I know, but I wanted to feel normal for once. Like I actually came from a really nice family.”
“What happened to your dad?”
“He left. Ran off with Mum’s friend. She was devastated, and she slipped further into depression. We never heard from him again, but he left us with a load of his debt.”
“Debt?”
I begin to stack the clean dishes while he grabs a towel to dry them. “He was a gambler, drug user, alcoholic. When he left, his debts transferred to us.”
“Did you pay them?”
I give a nod. “Kind of. Mum and I worked hard. Nate not so much. I think he made the debt worse.”
“Do you know who the debt was owed to?”
I shake my head. “Mum never went into detail. I was only eleven or twelve when he left.”
“How did you pay the debt?” he asks, frowning.
I scoff. “How I always pay debts, Grizz.”
He freezes, his eyes burning into me. “You sold yourself at twelve?”
“Of course. How do you think I got into this mess?”
He shrugs. “I never really thought about it.”
I laugh. “Do you think I turned eighteen and decided I wanted to prostitute myself as an ambition in life?”
“When you put it like that . . .” he mutters, looking troubled.
“My family was in a mess and I didn’t know any better. I’d seen my mum do it a thousand times cos she wasn’t shy about having sex. She’d have sex with my dad’s friends or dealers so he could have a free fix.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, shaking his head.
“It happens more than you think,” I tell him.
“Don’t you want different for Ivy?” he asks, and I stop what I’m doing and stare at him.
“Of course. I’d never let anyone lay a finger on Ivy. I love her with all my heart and I’m doing everything I can to get myself out of that flat and to somewhere better.”
“And safer,” he cuts in.
“It must be easy for you,” I mutter, going back to washing the plates. “I bet you don’t go to bed hungry or lie awake worrying about how to pay the rent.”
“Not anymore,” he says, “but I did. When I was younger. You know, there’s a place at the clubhouse.”
I scoff. “You really believe that, don’t you?” I snap. “You keep offering it like it’s a lifeline.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, Grizz. I’m no safer at the clubhouse. Yes, Nate’s friends won’t turn up and do shit I don’t wanna do, and the brothers won’t force themselves on me, but I still have to give myself over. And it’s for free. I don’t make any money yet I’m expected to perform whenever a man wants me to, sometimes more than once a night. I can’t have Ivy lay in my room while men are visiting me.”
“That’s what’s keeping you from coming to the clubhouse?”
“Not just that. I want independence. I don’t want to rely on a man to keep me safe. I’m Ivy’s mum, she should be able to depend on me.”
