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“I guess it doesn’t matter.” Carly pushed the door open. The walls were paneled in glossy pine with thick, dark gray carpet on the floor. There were two double beds, both covered with dark blue comforters.
Justin went into the bathroom to change and turned on the tap. Nothing came out. He cursed under his breath. He’d hoped to be able to tell Carly she could take a shower, and then maybe she would smile at him again.
He braced his arms on the counter for a moment and hung his head. He’d intended to spare her pain, but in the end, he’d hurt her just as badly as he feared he might if she became emotionally attached to him. Had he left it too late, he wondered. If he’d had that post-kiss conversation with her earlier, would it have prevented this strife?
He met his eyes in the mirror and sighed. He had totally misjudged the situation and had ended up making it worse. Carly was very sensitive to any implication he thought she was naïve, and his clumsy explanation had hit all of the wrong buttons for her. He’d ended up hurting her—the very thing he’d hoped to prevent.
He headed back into the bedroom and found her sitting on one of the beds, petting Sam absently. “The water’s off.”
“I’ll go down to the lake for a bucket of water, then.”
“I’ll take care of it.” Justin sat down on his bed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Can... Can I talk to you, Carly?”
“All right.”
“I truly am sorry. I didn’t mean to diminish or invalidate any of your feelings. You would certainly understand them better than I would, and I didn’t mean to imply that you wouldn’t. I was offering an explanation if those feelings seemed... inexplicable to you.”
Carly took a deep breath. “I liked you, Justin. You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re kind and considerate. What I’m trying to say is that if I had any feelings for you, they weren’t just based on some survival instinct.”
“ ‘Liked’? As in past tense?” He tried to keep his face expressionless, but she wasn’t looking at him anyway.
“I don’t like you very much right now,” Carly said. She touched the small bump the necklace made beneath the collar of her T-shirt. “That may change again, but you hurt me, Justin. You hurt me badly. Give me credit for at least the amount of self-awareness necessary to parse out my own feelings.”
“You took it to mean that I thought you were stupid. I never meant that. Never.” Justin raked a hand through his hair. He’d known it was how she felt, but hearing her say it was like a knife twisting in his guts. “It’s important you understand that. I know you’re not stupid. God, I’d never want to you to think I meant that. It’s just... Well, an attraction between us is natural given our situation, but we don’t make sense, Carly. In our old lives, you never would have looked at me twice.”
“I’ve had time to get to know you.”
“That’s just it, Carly. You don’t know me.” Justin took a deep breath. “You know my favorite music and where I grew up, but there’s a lot to me you don’t know. Things I don’t want to tell you. Things I’ve never told anyone. Things that... Things that might change your mind about me.”
“I know who you are now. That’s all that matters.”
She didn’t understand, but how could she? It wasn’t possible, unless he told her his ugly secrets, and he never wanted to do that. Even as he was trying to get her to understand why they could not be together, he couldn’t tell her. “I can never have anything but a physical relationship with you. I’m simply not capable of more.”
“I don’t believe that.”
He let out a humorless laugh. “Now who’s being dismissive?”
Carly titled her head and regarded him silently for a moment. “Are you my friend, Justin?”
It wasn’t a question he was prepared for. “I... Yes. Yes, I’m your friend.”
“Then you are capable of something beyond the physical.”
“That’s different.”
Carly shook her head. “No, it’s not. My mom and dad always said the most important thing in any relationship was friendship. Infatuation may fade and passion may mellow, but friendship lasts forever. My mom was my dad’s very best friend, and he was hers. That’s what got them through the hard times.”
Justin rose and walked over to gaze sightlessly out the window. “I wish I had known your father better. He sounds like a very interesting man.”
“I think he would have liked you.”
Justin gave a harsh laugh. “Are you kidding? He would have shot me for even glancing in your direction. And he would have been right to do it. I’m no good for you, Carly.” He returned to sit on the edge of his bed, leaning forward with his forearms braced on his knees. He stared at her until she finally met his eyes, though she broke her gaze away quickly.
“Shouldn’t I be allowed to decide for myself?”
“Yes, of course, but—” He stopped and dropped his head into his hands. “I’d just prefer it if you didn’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
“Are you saying you would never want to have a relationship with me?” She lifted her hand to her necklace and caressed the soda can tab.
